For some background, I’m 23, still living at home and the only daughter still home.
New here and struggling with guilt and resentment a small bit. We’ve always lived with my Nan due to my Mom not wanting her to be alone after loosing my Grandad - So Nan is more of a Mom than anything.
5/6 years ago, Nan was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. Things were going “ok” until around a year and a half ago and there has been a steady change in her since.
Nan knows who I am mostly, and generally is still “there” in that sense - however she really struggles elsewhere. She doesn’t require complete personal care but we have started assisting her with the shower and i suppose as the only daughter left home this does sometimes fall to me. I really don’t mind this, I would do anything for her.
However, due to just as a family struggling a bit, my nan has spent a week with my aunt. Me and mom have visited her for this weekend to then bring her home with us. I feel like I’m having some resentment, I can’t really pinpoint why but I’m really dreading bringing her home and coping with her being back. I’m Cabin crew and love travelling, and have dreams of moving abroad, but I also can’t dream of leaving anytime soon.
I feel awful sometimes thinking about what it would be like if we weren’t in this position. I don’t want to wish the time I have with her away, but I’m struggling a bit at the moment.
Sorry this has turned into a rant but I think I just needed to get this out of my system, I don’t want to burden my mum with how I feel about it when she’s the main carer for my Nan and she has no choice in it.
Hi
I feel your frustration and I’m sure everyone here understands your dilemma. Yes, this is precious time to be with your loved ones but I’m sure we all wonder about that alternative life we could be leading if the situation was different. I’m 65 but miss my sculpting business before becoming a carer. For someone of your age with a great career ahead of you it must be doubly hard. I too had a “rant” here about six months ago and felt so much better for it…plus knowing I was being listened to helped a lot. I hope it works for you too. We all know deep down that nobody can wave that magic wand that fixes everything but I hope that you find some comfort from the replies.
How old are nan, and mum?
It was mum’s choice to move in with nan. Not yours. Mum needs to take responsibility for nan, and make future plans, because from now on, it’s only going downhill, never better. Has mum made any plans for nan’s future, got Power of Attorney? Claiming benefits?
Does nan own or rent her home?
Hi, Can your family get some more help for your Nan like home carers in etc to help with personal care etc? I think live your life, you are very young to have all this responsibility. I would try to get more help in. Its not for you to have your own life put on hold. Its hard enough when you are older let alone in your 20s.
You are allowed to have all of those feelings. Remember that your resentment isn’t actually directed towards your Nan, it’s frustration with all the issues her condition brings to her and your life. It’s ok to love the person and hate the disease.
I’ll echo what others have said in that you need to be making decisions for your life and future. You’re only young, and this shouldn’t be your burden. Although, I am one to talk, because I know I’d be exactly the same as you!
If you can have a chat with your mum about your feelings, I would. Tell her that you’re worried about moving on in life because you don’t want to leave her and your Nan without support. Perhaps explore the idea of getting some carers in, even just once a day.
I must say, though, your care and attitudes towards wanting to support your mum and nan shows what a very lovely person you must be. Just remember you’re only human xx