I’m feeling pretty isolated and overwhelmed. My parents are in their 80s and for all their marriage my mum has done everything for my dad. A month ago my mum fell ill and suddenly I found myself caring for both of them in every way. Mums health is improving again but they have both decided that they are no longer able to take any responsibility for themselves. I’m mentally and physically exhausted- we don’t have any other family.
Their home isn’t suitable for older people with deteriorating mobility but they will not consider moving. They want me to move in permanently, but even if I do that I will not be able to meet their needs or overcome the challenges with the house indefinitely, so it’s not really the solution they think it is.
I am figuring things out gradually and making more arrangements to increase their independence for now. However the feeling of isolation is very difficult, so really I’m just here to learn from others’ experiences and knowing I am somewhere that people will understand a little better than most that becoming a carer is pretty complicated.
We had 4 stubborn determined parents, I know how difficult it is.
Do they own or rent their home?
Do you have Power of Attorney? Can they manage their own money?
Do they both receive Attendance Allowance?
Can you explain why the home isn’t really suitable for them?
(I’ll be back later).
Glad I’ve only got two to deal with! No, they don’t get attendance allowance and I don’t think they’re eligible. What they are capable of in principle isn’t the same as what they feel able to do. They wouldn’t agree to a needs assessment. They own their home and would be self funding any care. I’ve had a carer in for an hour three mornings a week for a few weeks to help me through the intense patch and so I could have some time away. That was brilliant and I’m so lucky with the carers.
Yes, they can manage their own money, no to PoA.
Unsuitability is no possibility of a stairlift in future. They have a spare bedroom on the ground floor but its ensuite shower room is tiny and not adaptable- the shower is on a pedestal too meaning a big step up even with a nonslip step in place. There is an ensuite to the room my father sleeps in that is already adapted to walkin shower with rails and seat but he sleeps until after midday so mum can’t use it (they sleep in separate rooms).
I’ve done what I can to the other shower to make it safer, but it’s not a long term solution as mobility declines. The living room is half way up the stairs so unhelpful if trying to make living on one floor an option. I could gripe more about the house, but the stairs and bathrooms are the big barriers. The drive is also ridiculously steep.
Disability benefits are NOT means tested. If mum and dad are now both entirely reliant on your support, then they most definitely should qualify for Attendance Allowance, then if you don’t work, and are under pension age, you would qualify for Carers Allowance. The Needs Assessment isn’t looking at money, but looking at what they need to make life easier. Some equipment is chargeable, some is free. From what you describe the house is a nightmare for them, but sadly they have to come to this conclusion themselves. If they won’t agree to a carer, would they agree to a cleaner? You are, after all, daughter not slave. I had the same issue with my own mum, she could “manage” without help, but relied on me for a long time, until I had major cancer surgery.
Thank you very much for the kind advice. They have had a cleaner for a few hours each week for a while and that absolutely is a big help.
I will definitely bear in mind attendance allowance for the future if things deteriorate for either of them. At the moment they wouldn’t qualify as having a disability that means they need help with personal care or safety. They are just overwhelmed by everyday life. I have a falls alarm for mum now which is reassuring.
I think I will get better at being more organised and cool-headed over time, I’m just not quite out of the eye of the storm yet.
Dear @Bla79
Your situation sounds too hard,
You obviously love your parents v much,
I hope you can get more help and some you time,
I welcome you to the forum,
Finding solutions for overwhelming caring is what we are all about,
Keep posting so all the support can come alongside with advice and focus on your needs,
Warmly Ula
Hi @Bla79 welcome to the forum. That feeling overwhelmed is something that all carers experience. You are not alone. You are doing the right thing in encouraging your parents to do as much for themselves as they can, for their well being and yours. Think long and hard about whether moving in would be the right thing for you.
I’m a part time carer for my 99 year old Mum. This time last year I was really struggling with Mum. Our relationship was at rock bottom. Sinc3 the, I have been on a caring for carers and sleep awareness courses, which have helped enormously.
The biggest things I have learnt are:
I’m not responsible for my Mums mental health
I have to let Mum do as she wishes, but at the same time gently encourage her to make sensible changes and to accept help
I need to do things for myself - this is the most important!