Good morning all,
Just looking for a hand hold and any pointers anyone may have. I know there isn’t a magic wand but I don’t even know where to start.
Dad age 89 has had Alzheimer’s for 7 years. Mum age 84 is his full time carer, no help at home at all other than from me for shopping, medical appointments etc. She has no life or freedom at all and he cannot be left alone and will not go anywhere such as day care or trips, therefore neither can she. No remaining friends left to have round for coffee or day trips with etc. I am mum’s only real friend so if I care for dad she is in no better place.
Those of your familiar with Alzheimer’s will know that apart from the continence issues and the repetitive conversions and behaviour he is really clingy and won’t let her out of his sight.
Things have reached breaking point and mum has just been released from hospital after having heart surgery. She needs four weeks complete rest for recovery and is mentally at breakdown point. I have brought dad to my home and he is now in the second week but I have to go back to work. Mum is refusing to have him back home and says she will not be his carer any longer and will walk out of the house and not come back. She needs me to care for her too without her having to care for him.
I have involved adult social services and they have done a mental capacity assessment for dad but they are not interested in mum’s position. She has told them she will not care for him anymore and they are now producing a case to make a best interests decision. Despite dad failing the mental capacity assessment spectacularly he has expressed a wish to stay at home, of course, and be cared for by his wife. Since dad didn’t have a LPA this effectively means she is stuck in the hell that she is in being a full time carer for her own last years when she is neither physically or mentally able any longer.
Where do we go from here? what steps can we take and what is the best outcome we could hope for. I love dad dearly but mum has dedicated 60 years to loving and caring for him and she is my biggest concern right now.
Social Services have suggested that she has carers in the home 4 times a day and can have a sitter, but what is the point of a sitter for an hour, dad will likely be distressed by stranger in the home anyway. I assume day care centres are closed with Covid 19. I cant get her respite as the care homes won’t take him because he will have to isolate for 14 days alone in a room and he won’t stay in that room so social services would have to take his civil liberties from him and lock him up which isn’t in his best interests.
Someone please help me with what happens now, what can I expect, where can I go, who do I need to involve? Will a carers assessment help if the carer wont be a carer any longer? How have neighbours managed to get residential care for their loved ones that haven’t been in as advanced a state as dad? I just don’t know, none of it makes any sense.
Edited to add: yes they get Attendance Allowance, and yes dad has savings of around £35k although mum can’t access most of it due to him not having a LPA.