Thank you - please pass on my best wishes to Graham. And to you of course.
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“Get on with it” is so cruel, especially losing two loved ones within a few days. I sometimes think people who say this are afraid of how to deal someone else’s emotions.? A hug would have been better. After my husband died, eldest son and I agreed after the first week or two that sometimes we just needed to disappear now and then, if we just needed a few minutes. You might find that a useful strategy at work, just let your manager know. I accepted every social invitation, but told my hostess not to worry if I quietly went home without drawing attention to myself by saying Goodbye. I needed to be among people but didn’t always want to chat like normal.
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Hi Lisa.
Just checking in to let you know many of us are still thinking of you and thought I’d see how you are doing?
Still here if you need to chat or have a moan - we don’t close the door!
xx
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Thank you Chris
I dont really know how I am doing to be honest. Its all been a blur.
I have my granddaughter staying with me for the half term holidays and its all bittersweet because she is exactly like my daughter - it like having Sophie around.
I guess you think people just dont want to hear it now… after the funerals, people just sort of dropped off the radar.
We moved here last year and I dont really know anyone here so it can be rather lonely.
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Moring.
Great to hear back from you and what you are going through is perfectly natural after what has happened in the last few months.
Nice you have your grand-daughter for half term holiday and, hopefully as you see Sophie in her you’ll have the happy memories as well as the bitter-sweet ones.
You have a whole community on here who will wrap you in arms so please don’t be a stranger. None of us will walk away from you. When my Mum died, Dad was told by someone from a local hospice ‘you have people around you now but in three months you will probably feel lonely as they drift away, that’s when we will be here for you.’ He thought it sounded odd but the lady was right and I asked her to give him a call and she popped round for a cuppa and it did him the world of good. We can do something similar “virtually”.
I hope work are still being supportive - other than the idiot who told you to ‘get over it’. Til it happens to them they cannot understand what its like.
My thoughts and prayer are with you and Graham sends his love, even though he is now back in hospital again!! (on that roundabout yet again)
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Dear Lisa
You have had two huge losses to deal with so very close together. You have every right to feel fragile. I guess you have heard about CRUSE? They offer support and meetings for the bereaved. Might be worth seeing if there is a branch in your area? When I lost my late father, I could not get to meetings but I did get a telephone befriender for 6 sessions. It did help me through as I agree people feel uncomfortable with emotions.
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Lisa, I was widowed suddenly, we ran our own business, so no one to support me other than eldest son. There is an online forum for widows and widowers called Way Up. I found it helpful. Trying to work out how to make a new life is difficult. I found a Relate book called Starting Again very helpful, easy to read and thought provoking. It lived in my bedside table for a long time. I found it helpful to go away for a few days, there are lots of hotel and self catering offers this time of the year. Start a notebook/diary just for you. How you are feeling, hopes and fears. It helped me to put things in writing. If you do this regularly in a few weeks you can see how you are slowly moving forward. The first year is like treading water, your old life has gone, your new life has yet to emerge, others want you to “get better” when they haven’t got a clue! Look after yourself, I gave up cooking, ate mainly in garden centres, otherwise my staple diet involved toast, eggs, and beans!
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Hi @LisaP
How you getting along? Hope Christmas wasn’t too traumatic for you. How did you get on with your grand-daughter’s visit?
Sorry not to be in touch but Graham was back in hospital again and it was “a bit of a time”. He’s home and we’re struggling along now.
Do let us all know how you are. Have you managed ot get out and about at all? How is work? How are the family? Supportive I hope (never mind the ones “down under” !!)
xxx
Hi Chris.
Sorry to hear about Graham.
It’s hard isn’t it.
Never sure whether to post here as really I’m not a carer any longer.
Christmas was… well it was Christmas and we put on our game face sometimes don’t we.
I’m just going through the motions daily. I don’t hear from the Australian contingent which suits me fine.
I miss Kat terribly. And some days I feel like I failed Sophie.
It’s all so hard some days.
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Lovely to hear from you.
Graham and I will get through everything - even though I shouted at him today! Ah well.
NEVER be concerned about posting here - there are lots of members who are no longer carers, for many different reasons. Just because caring stops, you are still part of the community and we are all concerned about you.
Loneliness and blaming yourself are all part and parcel of what you are going through. I am sure others can echo those thoughts and feelings. Don’t be concerned about voicing them.
At least not hearing from those Down Under means you don’t have to deal with their silly attitudes, so there’s a benefit!! Christmas can often be a bad time. I’m just glad we don’t do anything special - we had burgers and chips on 25th - and bl**dy lovely they were too.
Please don’t be lonely - we are here and I am sure many would welcoming hearing from you occasionally. You witnessed the love everyone gave when you posted and it will continue, believe me.
Off to heat up leftovers for G now as I don’t feel hungry (bad day with back problems) and then an early night I think. Keep in touch - you are not forgotten.
C
P.S. I know Graham will be delighted I’ve heard from you as you were mentioned in conversations previously.
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Howdy @LisaP HUGS
Awww good on @Chris_22081 checking in on you!
Please do keep posting, checking in on roll call there are former carers on here too, AND you can maybe share thoughts to help others…as well as say whatever, whenever…
I’m glad to hear you’re not having more issues with the Australian contingent - ugghhh
We’re here for you, alongside you… I hope you can remind yourself of all the love you shared with Kat, and with Sophie and be gentle and kind with yourself.
big hugs
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Lisa, my husband died suddenly 18 years ago.
It is still early days for you, lots of people want us to “get over it” as quickly as possible, but grief doesn’t work like that. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, it takes as long as it takes.
We are always here for former carers too.
You are now on a different “journey”, one you never wanted.
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@LisaP
I’m an ex carer and often feel I shouldn’t post. When I do am always made to feel it’s ok to do so.
As Bowlingbun says it’s early days yet. People may expect us to get over losing a partner and double whammy for you losing your daughter. Im sure we never get over it but learn to adjust. How long that takes is an different to each of us.
Keep posting as and when you wish. It’s ok to tell us about bad days and hopefully some reasonable ones
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Hi @LisaP you are definitely welcome to post as and when you want/need to. The forum is here for carers AND former carers.
I’m glad the Australian lot are leaving you in peace.
We are all here for you.
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@LisaP….please do keep posting on here, the support network is invaluable. I too feel that as I’m no longer caring for my husband I’m no longer a carer. I do still appreciate the support on here and know that I’m going to need it for the bumpy journey I have ahead of me.
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and understanding - it means a lot.
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