New member. New to full time caring. Where to start?

Hello. I have joined the forum on my brother in laws behalf as I know he will not join and I want to be able to help.

S lives at home with his parents who are in their 80’s. Mum has dementia, diabetes and other health problems but she still recognises everyone and home is the best place for her at the moment although she has to be supervised. Carers come in the morning get her up and dressed and in the evening to get her ready for bed (approx 20 minutes each visit) and a district nurse comes every afternoon to give her an insulin jab.

Dad has just been diagnosed with a heart problem and although he needs no care as such, we have been told he could literally drop dead at any point no warning. This means that the two of them cannot be left alone in the house.

S will give up work to be a full time carer, I have offered to sit with them for a couple of hours a week while he goes to the supermarket and my partner and I will sleep over one night every weekend so that S can sleep over at his girlfriends house and have a break.

They currently receive approx 7 hours a week in a care package. What additional help could S as a full time carer get and would it be possible to get 2x four hour carer sitting sessions, they just need someone in the house really keeping an eye on mum?

We don’t want to see S as the main carer become a prisoner in his own home.

Hi Michelle, welcome to the forum.It is good that you and your family are willing to support your brother in law with this as many family’s would leave it just down to the one person.

Your brother in law should not be shamed about being a carer,I know most of us male feel a shame of it but that is down to society not understand what the job of being a carer is like until they get a taste for it them selves.

Has your brother in law had a carer’s assessment ? He should be able to get carers allowance for being a carer which covers normally 35 hours a week paid with other benefits to help with costs.

I would either phone the carers uk helpline for further information , they should be able to put you in touch with the local carers center. Also have your brother in law let his GPS know that he is a carer as it makes them aware if there should be a problem but he would also be able to have the flu jab and other things without costing him money.

the carers are quite good, helpful. If you can help him, it will make him feel less trapped at home.
all the best michael

Hi Michelle and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like your brother in law has taken on quite a lot and it’s nice that you want to support him. You should have a look through our help and advice pages and check you’re all getting the support you’re entitled to:

Lots of carers like speaking with other people who understand their situation and can relate to their experiences, as it’s easy to become isolated when you’re a full-time carer. Your brother in law would always be welcome to join our online social events if he wanted to:

Best wishes


I find the plans worrying.
How old is S? What sort of work does he do currently?
Do his parents own or rent their house?
If renting from the council, then does he realise he must leave when the last parent dies or moves into care?
What is he going to do for money at that point?
I don’t want him to end up with no home and no job!

Thank you for your reply. I have sent a link to the website and told him about the helpline.

Thank you. I have sent him a link to the website and told him about the phone helpline.

He works part time for the local authority, I’ve done a bit of research and it looks like he might be able to take a career break from 6 months to 3 years. He has to contact HR dept. He’s in his 40’s. They claim Attendance Allowance. The house is owned by his parents. Sadly it looks like dad is likely to pass away, he is currently in hospital. So S will still need to give up work to be a full time carer for his mum he is considering putting her in a care home but I have told him I might have to sell the house to pay for the care home as it will be one of her assets. It is the family home and he has always lived there but I imagine being an employed single male in his 40’s he will still be made to sell if he chooses to go down that road.

He does not have to give up living in the house if the house is transferred into his name, unless it got to much for him or a doctor say so , his mum does not have to be put into a care home! He could have carers or a PA come in to help look after his mum which would help him and you be able to carry on with life. Also have a word with PALS that are at most hospitals as they can also give you some advice about the next stage to do with his dad.

If it has always been his home, there can be exceptions about selling the house to pay for mum’s care.
Also, if dad is dying, it’s really important to look at his will, while there is time.
If it’s owned jointly, if dad leaves his half, or even 5% of the house, directly to his son, that can change things significantly!!
Take legal advice asap.

I should also have said that while mum is living in her own home, if she has less than £23,000 in HER name, then she is entitled to care from Social Services, charged on a sliding scale, after a means test. Are you aware of NHS Continuing Healthcare?
If there is just mum and son living at home, then mum is exempt from council tax, after dad dies.