New member! Carer for loved one with dementia!


My name is Becky and I’m 24. I’ve been caring for my gran who has vascular dementia for about the last 6/7 years. Had to quit my job last week as care has became 24 hour nearly. Just wanted to come and say hello and if anyone had any advice on what to do when your loved one is refusing most times to allow personal care from council carers and the carers not really encouraging it either?

Thank you!

Hi Becky and welcome to the forum

It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate and I’m sure people with experience in your situation will be along soon with support and advice. It must be difficult if your Gran is refusing outside care.

Meanwhile have a look through our help and advice pages and check you’re getting everything you’re entitled to:

Best wishes


Hi & welcome Becky

When did the care package start? Has there been changes to the carers or agency. Unfortunately although not a excuse carers do not always have time to persuade clients. If the carers are saying there isn’t the time to negotiate and encourage gran. The care plan may need revising. Some people with vascular dementia can become very manipulative. Which perhaps sounds a bit harsh. You know your gran best but do you think gran. Wants you and only you to look after her.

Where are your parents??
This isn’t fair on you, you should be having fun, new experiences, boyfriends.

Thank you for both your replies.

It’s the same carers my gran has had for 3/4 years now. She had a fall at Christmas time and went into a state of delirium and has been left with some agitation. The carers have 30 minutes at tuck visit. If she tells them to get out and doesn’t want nothing done then they leave within the first 10 minutes. I am just scared I am not able to be there one night and they can’t put her to bed.

This needs to be discussed with the care manager. She must tell staff to persevere.

Hi Becky,

Also wishing you a warm welcome to the forum.

There are a few events over Zoom which Carers UK are holding over the next couple of weeks to provide you with a time where you can talk with other carers that are perhaps going through similar situations and you can just try and relax with a nice cuppa.

Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. Please click on the links if you are interested in finding out more information.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:
Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK
Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK

Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (

They also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:

Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions

Best wishes


Hello, Becky. I get concerned about people giving up work to care. Most people want to build a career, get married, have a house and a family of their own, etc. Fortunately you are still quite young and if you can use this “career break” to turn round your gran’s care problems, you should not have too much difficulty getting back into employment. Don’t let things take too long.

I gather that following Gran’s recent fall, things have got worse - hence the need for you to feel you need to care full-time. Can you tell us a bit more about your circumstances?

Are you living with Gran? Is it her house - owned, rented, council? How old is Gran?

How many older relatives have you on the scene - parents, aunts, uncles? Does anyone have power of attorney?

It is bad that your gran is rejecting assistance from professional carers, but her needs are more important than her wants. You will all need to be firm with her at times. Don’t let her manipulate you. Unfortunately her mind is no longer working properly so, hard as it may seem to say, she will only have the upper hand if you let her.