Carer Advice

Hi all

I appreciate this is a tough time for people so hope you are all safe and well.

I’m 44 and past 4 years been looking after my soon to be 88 year old Gran as a full time carer.
She has mobility issues and past year she has been wearing incontinence pads.

Recently, she has been calling me in the middle of the night to ask the time, what time I’m getting up (usually around 2/3 am). she has 2 clocks, one a dementia one.
Last night she called me 4 times (been awake since 1 am) and she got up 12 times. Every time she gets up I hear her and because of her mobility I have to come down.

She actually took her pad off and used the commode. Now the pads are there so she doesn’t need to get up.
She took her PJ top off as she said she wet it… So I had to put a card on her 2 am… She’s become too demanding

I have a Dr calling Thursday for memory test. as I’m not sure if it’s early Dementia or severe anxiety

I’m basically on the brink as I’m sure all of you are. After 4 years without a break, holiday, weekend or even a. night away it’s becoming a strain on my mental health!

Now I’ve contacted social asking for a night carer as I don’t want her to leave her home. Selfish part of me though as had enough and thinking of moving out as its impacting my mental health and health.

Sorry for the rant.

stay safe everyone


Kev, she is now classed as " very elderly" (i.e.over 85) and her needs will now increase very quickly until she dies.
How did you end up being her carer? Normally it would be a son or daughter, not a grandson.
You have surrendered your life completely for four years. That is too much already.
It is time to look at the local residential care provision, not what you want but what she will soon NEED.

However, there are issues for you to consider for yourself, problems may be looming that you haven’t been aware of.
Does she own, or rent her house?
Was she claiming a disability benefit so you could claim Carers Allowance?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?

Thank you for your response. Sadly past 12 months her demands has been excessive and severe anxiety.
She has a son but he hasn’t bothered with her for over 2 and half years. Rest of the close family have all passed away so I felt it my duty to look after her.
It has been really tough to be honest and not had a break since. We have a Dr ringing her tomorrow for a memory test and it can’t come quick again.

She lives in a council house and doesn’t have anywhere near £23, 000 in savings.
She claims attendance allowance and some sort of disability.

Juts incredibly tough because she’s lived here since 1970 and she won’t survive moving elsewhere

Kevin, there is a very important issue here for you to address urgently.
Do you realise that if she went into residential care you might be made HOMELESS with four weeks notice?
You need to talk to the council as soon as possible to establish whether or not this applies to you.

Were you claiming Attendance Allowance plus Income Support or similar?
Who has been managing her benefits money?

Do you realise that if she went into residential care you might be made HOMELESS with four weeks notice?


Another potential Lambchop ???

Essential reading ;

Hi, thanks for the response. Yeah I have thought about this to be honest. With Coronavirus as well I imagine everything is so stretched at present.

I’ve spoken to social services and she has said obviously wait for Dr prognosis tomorrow and they would be willing to give rest bite where required. Something to think about once this lockdown ends.

She claims AA, I have to claim universal credit and carers.
Her money goes straight into her bank account which I helped her open. So all the money goes in there and show every Monday what is in. The bills get drawn out of there so its money in money out.

I have to claim universal credit and carers.

Carer element within UC … CA is not paid in addition to UC.
Additional Elements of Universal Credit (UC) - Turn2us

Yeah it is, its the top up which replaced income support. As a full time carer you can claim universal credit to top up

Don’t forget the dreaded work , SUCCESSION … see my earlier post.

Hello Kevin

Sorry to hear about your struggles looking after your Nan, you are obviously a very caring and considerate Grandson.
Along with the other advice you’ve been given on here, I would suggest you make sure you’re doing all you can for your own mental health and well being at this time. Have you looked at the health support pages on our website? - Your health and wellbeing | Carers UK - there are some very good tips and advice in there.

Good luck with the Drs call today

Best wishes


Thank you Jane that’s very kind of you. Mental health Side have been struggling lately. Thats lovely of you to send that and will take a look.
Dr has said he will do tests after the COVID-19 settles…
Stay safe and well Jane

Was any additional short term help offered?!

Potential succession problem now resolved ?

Sadly not, there may be rest bite but with Coronavirus everything is stretched with care/help.
So for now just have to cross fingers.

Please contact Social Services and tell them what the doctor has said, because it is their responsibility, not the doctor’s, to arrange respite care for you. Don’t leave it until the virus has finally gone, then you will be at the back of a very long queue. If things deteriorate further, you can ask them for help, but if you can manage, it’s probably safer for nan at the moment to stay at home I’m afraid.

Thank you. I’ve spoken to social services who themselves have said once this virus has settled they can then provide respite.
However most care agencies are inundated at the moment.

I agree and I’d rather her be at home. She’s been here since 1970 so she deserves to stay. Just need the extra support I future.