New here and just saying hello

Hello, I’m Alan. Just saying hello. I’m quite shy so going on this forum is a bit of a step, but it was recommended that I do so by my social prescribing link worker. In the last three years I’ve been caring for my partner as he’s been getting more frail (we’re both old dears). I work full-time (fortunately my employer has allowed me to work from home). The last year in particular, after a nasty bout of a UTI leading to a kidney infection and the recovery after it, has been very difficult with things like social isolation, cabin fever and just seeing my partner (who was always a strong person) ill day after day getting to me. Emotionally wobbly! Currently going through the carers / needs assessment (probably a bit late you might say, but I suppose we’ve been too close to it all to see that we need the help) and getting people in like cleaner to help with the chores (thanks to the attendance allowance). Sorry for the waffle. I don’t normally talk about this stuff! Thanks and hope you’re doing OK yourself.


hi alanh hello welcome to the form mate


Hi Alan, welcome from Carers UK. We’re really pleased you’ve found us.

I just want to highlight a few of the other opportunities we provide for you to meet and share with other carers.

Every week we run a Care for a Cuppa video chat for carers where you can take a little break and spend some time talking informally to other carers who understand what you’re going through. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Please see details here: Care for a Cuppa | Carers UK

We also run weekly Share and Learn sessions which are fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers share tips and skills on a range of topics. You can have a look at this link and see if one grabs your attention: Share and Learn | Carers UK


Hi @alanh! Welcome
It’s lovely that you’re reaching out and here. It must be stressful going through these changes and doing the needs assessment.
I’m sure there are lots of questions and things you’re having to think about right now. If you need to soundboard anything there’s lots of experience to tap into.
Sending much empathy and support your way



Welcome Alan H - love the cat picture by the way.

Glad you have found the Forum. Very understanding group and most will understand the stress you are feeling and what you are dealing with.


Thank you (and everyone else who has replied). That is our cat Eve. :slight_smile:


Hi Alan and a very warm welcome. It’s a big step starting to chat on here but you will find mostly we are a friendly bunch (I am after I have had my first coffee of the day anyway).

I care for my husband after he suffered a stroke at New Year 2021. We worked together and had to close our business very suddenly as a result. So we lost all income and the goodwill which would have been our nest egg as there was no time to sell the business.

Since then Graham has had multiple health issues including prostate cancer, heart failure, and most recently a retinal haemorrahage which means he is having laser eye surgery. Last week we were there for his latest appointment and the doctor was a bit brusque. She wanted him to sign a Consent Form (first time that had been requested) and I offered to sign only to be told. We need his handwriting. I pointed out I have POA - not with me but Graham would confirm it. She then looked me up and down and asked ‘So are you his SON then?’ At first I laughed and then glared at her and replied ‘NO I am his husband and he is only five years older than me’ and stood staring at her only to have her say ‘oh most elderly men come with their sons’. Stupid woman.

I then had to point out that at 67 he is NOT ELDERLY and I have more white/grey hair than him. HUMPH !!! G is NOT AMUSED as I repeat this story to our friends.

So no saying you are “both old dears” or I will set Graham on you!!

Emotional wobbles come with the territory and I think I can safely say we ALL get them, which is why it’s great to have this forum to let off steam, have a moan, a grouse, a bit of a pity party if necessary - yet receive a heck of a lot of support from everyone else. Why? Because we all know what it is like. You feel isolated. Shut off from friends (if some of them even bother with you!. unable to go out when you want. If you do manage to go out its a big event getting ready and completely exhausting.

One thing you will find - no one will judge you and you can ‘have a waffle’ if you want - ask anyone they will tell you I waffle on and whitter away most days! I hate jargon but this is a ‘safe space’ for you to chat and ask for advice or just have a moan.

If you check out the Roll Call threads you will see many of us natter away each day and its described like ‘over the garden fence’.

Welcome aboard and hope to see you chatting away. Take care of yourself as well as your partner (Sometimes easier said than done)



@alanh Hello, and welcome, sir!

Everybody’s said pretty much everything, so just sit back, have a browse (and a cuppa), and relax!


Hi Alan, I’m recently new to the forum too and have been caring for my husband whose health has deteriorated over the last few years due to various health issues. I’m glad you’ve reached out, I understand how hard it is to do that as I’m also quite shy. It’s been reassuring to have access to this forum though I haven’t posted much as things have are a bit hectic at present! I’m glad your employer is understanding, that makes a big difference. If you need to talk at any time let me know.



Welcome to the forums. Caring is hard work. I remember my own care needs assessment. I found it very helpful to keep a diary during that time in order to record crucial information. Best wishes.

You are in my prayers in addition. Please do take time out for yourself. Once the initial care needs assessment is done, it is time to do research into finding care providers. Try looking online at a few different care home websites. Often times they will have up to date information. Also consider hiring personal care assistants.

Live in carers are another option. Again do a search on the Internet. Make some brief summary notes. The Lady has a decent classified adverts section where people frequently have their adverts featured. Start off there. Alternatively you can engage or seek out a care provider. Tour the entire office in question. Also focus on having a checklist of things to discuss at the interview. Get recommendations. Check references and safety checks are important too.

Hi Alan, welcome to the forum. I have a son with severe learning difficulties, now 44, he lives about 15 miles away in a flat. However, I’ve cared for nine other relatives in various ways. Mum had arthritis and I think I probably started doing jobs for her when I was 8, when my younger brother was born! Sadly, my husband died suddenly in 2006, and soon after I was nearly killed in a car accident, unable to walk for years (but still caring!) so I know what it’s like to be disabled myself. Don’t try and be Superman/woman, start yelling for help. Your own health is every bit as important as your partners. I always recommend a dishwasher, a tumble dryer and flattening the garden to everyone, the less work you have to do the better.

Hi Alanh
Another welcome from me.
I’m an ex carer. My late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. Very heartbreaking times especially when he had delirium and the accusations were flying!
I do second others about trying to have some ’ me time’.
You can waffle as much as you need and vent too . Sometimes it helps to share. It certainly helped me when at my worst

H Alan,

welcome to the forum, I joined the forum many years ago after going to the GP. I thought I had thyroid problems but was diagnosed with TATT, which stands for tired all the time! My lovely GP at the time told me I was a carer (never realised I was) and suggested seeking a carer’s support group. The groups all met in the day and the one day I wasn’t working was a drop in - not the same as getting to know people - so I joined the forum. The forum is great as all though our caring situations are all different - everyone ‘gets’ what its like.