Hi everyone, I’m new here and quite simply desperately in need of advice. About three years ago my mum (now 62) had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage out of the blue. She is now not paralysed but extremely weak, unable to walk, doubly incontinent and not independent at all. My dad is her sole 24/7 carer. To say this has taken a toll on him is a grave understatement.
When she was in hospital he was at her bedside for 12 hours a day, every day, without fail, for 10 months. He was a nightmare for the staff as he was constantly nit picking, controlling, questioning, arguing - all in the name of “protecting” my mum but really was just a symptom of rapidly worsening OCD and PTSD.
Since her release from hospital things have spiralled. He is ever more controlling, manic when it comes to doing things “the right way” consistently - to the point where putting her butter knife on the wrong side of her breakfast plate will cause him to intervene and comment - and he cannot cope at all. He hasn’t been coping for at least a year. I can’t adequately say in a short-ish post on here how worried I am about his mental state and my mum’s as a result of his “care”. He is, basically, militaristic with her to the point where every single day she is in floods of tears with the way he battles with her to get her to walk, stand, balance, exercise, everything. He routinely says “you had a brain injury, there’s nothing wrong with you now so stop being silly/stupid/pathetic” etc.
I have tried everything to help - I brought in agency carers and after three days he sent them away because they weren’t doing things his way. I got my own friend, a private care nurse, to go to them to help them and she has received barrages of aggression from him when she has made innocent and simple human errors, or has called him out on his bad attitude which isn’t helping my mum. I have battled with social services to get them respite but when it comes to him putting in any effort to finalise things, he won’t, then refuses to re-engage. Their GP put a referral in to social services when my mum divulged that he is physically aggressive with her - this was eventually dismissed by social services as they set up a respite contact who never actually materialised. Now it seems the aggression is coming back with my dad having divulged himself to my previously mentioned friend that things are going wrong and he is losing his temper.
In the past he has vehemently, angrily berated me for not doing more and insinuates that his stress levels are my fault for not being there to care for her. I’m 27, a full time secondary school teacher (as is my fiancé) living over an hours drive away. I have stayed over and I visit regularly but it is impossible to be around him. I have looked into care homes in the past but he has outright refused to even discuss it. I am at the point now where I am so worried about him and my mum both, that I am ready to call social services and register a serious concern anonymously and see if she can be forcibly removed from the home even for a few days for respite, because I truly believe someone is going to be hurt or my dad is going to harm himself if something doesn’t change.
I am at the end of my rope - as I’m sure my dad is, as he keeps reminding me - but he simply refuses any help I offer, especially care homes because “we’re not entitled to anything, we have too many savings, nowhere will take her, we can’t afford it, she’s not going anywhere” etc.
Apologies for the lengthy post but to be honest it feels good to get it written down somewhere where people might understand and be able to offer advice.