Hello
I have joined here to try and get some advice please.
My partners parents live in the county next to us - about 50 miles away.
His Dad is 86 and his Mum is 88. His Mum has dementia and his Dad is her carer.
My partner and his brother have arranged for carers to go in regularly - which they do - but his parents refuse any significant help from them such as letting them give medication or cooking meals.
His Dad is at his wits end caring for his Mum, but refuses any sort of help that might make things easier for him. It is obvious he is finding it harder and harder to care for her - but as soon as the carers offer more help he goes into a rage and is verbally abusive.
As soon as anything goes slightly wrong he is on the phone to my partner several times a day. He sometimes agrees to allowing some help, but as soon as it is put in place he refuses it again and is abusive verbally. Sometimes even ordering the carers to leave.
There are many examples - but the latest is this
My partners Mum has horrendous stomach infection (I will spare you the details - but lets just say she doesn’t make it to the toilet). She was admitted to hospital but released the next day. It continued and the Dad now has it too. They have carers go in twice a day, so my partner felt he had no choice but to go there and look after them. You wouldn’t (actually many of you are in the same boat - so you would) believe the mess he walked into in the bathroom and the state of his parents.
While he was there yesterday they spoke to the carers and agreed that they could cook lunchtime meals. (Our fear is that his Dad isn’t cooking the food properly or it may be out of date etc).
This morning his Dad is slightly better and when the carer suggested cooking lunch - he went off on one. My partner has tried explaining to his Dad that we all want them to have as much independence as possible still, and for the to continue he needs to accept the care from the carers that come into their home.
If the carers help is refused it could come to a time when their report shows that his Dad can no longer look after his wife and himself properly and that could lead to them going to a care home. My partner says that’s the last thing any of us want.
His brother lives abroad so although he sorts a few things by phone, he really has no idea of the reality of the situation. His suggestion is to just let them get on with it as we can’t force them to accept care.
That bit is true - but it’s not him who gets several phone calls a day with details of his Mums bowl movements and worse.
My partner is self-employed and so has the “luxury” of being flexible with time - but it isn’t a luxury as it means he is isn’t working and it effects his business by him having to keep going down there.
He loves his parents desperately and absolutely wants to do the right thing - but he is now at his wits end as we just don’t know what to do. I can’t go and support him there as I have a young son I have to be home for outside of school hours.
He has tried talking to his Dad so many times, in so many different ways. His Dad is very canny and either ends up accepting the ideas (and then undoes them again the next day), or lies and says they are doing certain things when they are not.
For example - his Dad was giving them each their medication all in one go in the mornings - and swears the doctor told him he could do it. They were given dosset boxes but his Dad didn’t like them so threw them away. As things stand today - the carers are now giving them their medication - but that could change tomorrow.
I am just after some advice of what my partner can do please. Someone suggested he get some help to support him in this - but the only help he needs is what to do with his parents who won’t accept help.
On a daily basis when they are not suffering from infections - he does enjoy some independence of pottering around the garden or round the house - but he can’t even go to the toilet without his wife (my partners Mum) wanting to know where he is. He is worn out and wants to continue to do what he promised to do - to look after her in sickness and in health til death they do part. It’s heartbreaking as we absolutely get why he is like it - but he is refusing to help himself by accepting some help so that he continue with the last bits of independence he has.
My partner can’t keep on taking days at a time off work - while his brother sits in early retirement luxury abroad.
My partner will prob be cross I’ve sent this message, but if the only way I can help him is getting some advice, then that is what I will do - I hate to see him so torn and upset by this
Can anyone offer any tangible advice please? Thank you so much.
