Hi everyone. Some of you already know mum 92 has for the last 9 years since dad died become more and more demanding and needy. Every time we go on holiday the 2 weeks before are horrid sorry more horrible than usual. Anxiety becomes worse she gets ill say minor virus or this time a chest infection type of cough. Acted quickly got her antibiotics but 3 days later she’s ringing me saying she is so ill needs to see a doctor not able to be dressed wheezy etc. Got an emergency appointment and had half my breakfast dashed over to help her get dressed as expected her on side of bed in nightmare. She was dressed ready to go. All was fine nothing on chest oxygen 98%. The next day she was saying how ill she was and needed help more tablets as I was taking her first Talking Therapy visit She is to maximum available and 60 min sessions. Told to bring her knitting next time. I said what will you take don’t know she can’t knit. Oh teaching her that’s great. Well don’t know how that helps ME. So came to Yorkshire yesterday with my lip cold sore - hey wonder why got one of those. Call this morning from carer saying mum had been sick all night and that morning and could I check in on her in the day. No I’m in Yorkshire. This happened while in respite and doctor said sheer anxiety I wasn’t there.
So second holiday affected on first full day there. It’s bad enough I have the psycho geriatrician visiting her the week I get back and the Social Worker to set up ongoing care then 2 things the following week on top of other demands. I’ve lost the place with her and given her some home truths nothing changes
Thanks for listening as you know what it’s like. Those without knowledge can be very sort of be pleased you still, have your mum
I’m so sorry you haven’t been able to enjoy your well deserved break properly. I think I’ve told you before but the first time I put my mum into respite so I could get a week off, I went through hell the week before and the week after. Man, did she punish me! But I did manage to have a proper break because I literally turned off my phone when away and told the Care Home to email me if they needed me. They didn’t!
Mum has been in a permanent Care Home since February and for the first three months carried on “yanking my chain” as they put it. On their advice, I have now withdrawn permanently, as Mum’s antics were becoming a threat to me. She has a phone but doesn’t phone me and I don’t phone her either. She is safe, warm, fed, medicated and has plenty of company. She senses I have withdrawn both practically and emotionally and just has to deal with it. Easier said than done I know.
Oh Jayney how awful for you the emotional blackmail is intense isn’t it. Mum hated the respite home and the staff were lovely so caring. At home now She loves the touchy freely carers she has some are some are not. Life is in her words so awful and says wants it to end but be interested to see if she takes up her flu and Covid jab offers. Wants to go but with a heart attack only so I doubt she will refuse. I’m getting better at not responding to her demands but all the years of engrained making myself feel safe by “making her happy” is not easy to shake but I’m getting there.
I get it. Keeping her happy is all you know, but time now to find some happiness yourself. I have been going to counselling since Mum accused me of employing and paying the doctor who “advised” her to go into the Care Home. Mum’s cruelty knows no bounds and won’t stop until the day she draws her last breath. The counselling has helped and has made me understand that I am important. So are you!
@Knitfi that is awful for you and my heart goes out. Easy said but you need to draw boundaries and take time for you. Hard to do, step away if you can, do you live with her? The other services need to be aware that you have drawn lines on what you are able to do. This is protecting your own needs, which are important. Sending hugs
Thanks for your support. No she lives in a lovely bungalow she even had air conditioning but in 2 years ago for the heat we were getting. So very comfortable. Bathroom has adaptions to shower and toilet. So easy for her. She has a cleaner for a couple of hours on a Monday. I have had to give some insight to the rehab team carers at times they are still doing the work till we see the social worker next Wednesday. I have said to Natasha how she is although comes over as a lovely old lady. She was saying she would get me a carers assessment. I have heard mixed reviews of those but will be happy to engage.I’m working or trying I should say to work on a really good online therapy course by Elsie Owen on boundaries. Even the little bit I’ve done has helped me. I just can’t help from frustration getting het up with the things she is constantly moaning about. It makes no impact at as I’m just being angry with her when I thought I was doing the right thing. Not sure what she has been doing to help herself. Oh yes I remember nothing
@Knitfi so she is very comfortable and you have done all you can. I had a carers assessment and it went well but it is here where you say that you cannot be her carer 24/7 and limit all that you are prepared to do. You cannot be made to care, and the boundaries course will help.
From her perspective she is not thinking of you, just her own needs and my experience is that they just become very self centred. So you must be strong and stepping away will help with the anger. The anger is totally normal, and resentment at making you angry. People do not really understand the demands unless there are in the system.
It is hard, I still get moments of guilt (I care for my husband) but then I remind myself I am entitled to a life. Don’t get caught up in agreeing to do things you are not willing to do.
Lots of support on this site which will help with your emotions
Hugs
I’m sorry you’re living with this — it sounds draining, the way it escalates whenever you try to step away is something I recognise.
What really comes through is just how much you’ve already done. Your mum is safe, comfortable, well cared for, and surrounded by professional support — yet the emotional responsibility still keeps landing back on you. That constant sense of being needed, even when others are involved, can feel hard.
One thing that helped me (and others I know) was putting something in place that reduced the emotional checking-in, not just the practical care — regular reassurance or monitoring that didn’t rely on me being the first point of contact every time. Knowing someone or something else was keeping an eye on things, even briefly, made it easier to step away without everything spirallin
You are not cruel, and you are not abandoning her. You’re a daughter who has given an big amount already
@Knitfi Overall, caring for other relatives can be suffocating. Sometimes it’s best to take a step back, look at what you have done. I think you’ll find you’ve done more physically and emotionally for your family.
