Need to vent a little, feel so alone

Over the past year I have become a carer for my mum who is slowly getting worse. She has multiple different health conditions and is in constant agony, her mobility has gotten worse and she can’t do a lot for herself anymore. I am so tired and just need a break. I love my mum so much, with all my heart but I feel so mentally drained.

How old is mum, and what is the source of the pain?
Ask Social Services for a Carers Assessment for yourself, and a Needs Assessment for mum, as soon as possible.
Do you want to give up caring altogether? It’s fine to say “yes”, you cannot be forced to care.
Does she own or rent her home?
Do you have your own home elsewhere?

Great questions from Bowling Bun. You’re definitely not alone here on the forum but caring for anyone can be incredibly isolating and lonely. Depending on her needs / conditions there may be local groups that you can both go to get support and be around other people in similar situations.

Definitely contact your local social services via her GP for a needs assessment and be VERY clear from the off what you are prepared to do and what YOU need. You are under no obligation to care for her and the situation in this country is such that they will try and get you to do as much as possible because it’s cheaper. That doesn’t mean it’s right for either of you. You need to be quite forceful about getting an assessment as soon as possible and that means being very strong in telling them exactly how you feel and that she will end up with no care because you will fall over. While you wait for the assessment you should have a think about what you want out of it in terms of how much assistance and what form it might take etc.

Wishing you well. It’s not easy. x

Hi Tam,

welcome to the forum.

It’s definitely worth pushing for better pain relief for your Mum, it must be very hard to see her pain and feeling powerless to relieve her suffering.

I agree with the other advice given - a needs and carer assessment via social services is your next step. Once you have made the call, start thinking about what you feel would help you both. Would a period of respite be the answer/ care visits / does your Mum need residential care?


I was nearly killed in a car accident, in constant pain from my damaged knees, which were eventually replaced.
The Arthritis care magazine one day featured an article about managing pain.
As I only have one kidney, I’m supposed to keep pain relief to a minimum as it affects kidney function.
Do as little as possible for a couple of days, then gradually start doing more, and consider the pain caused.
The aim is that you do as much as possible with pain at a tolerable level.
If you want to do something you know is going to be good, but will end up with pain, have a quieter day to follow so the body can recover.
Does mum have a really comfortable reclining chair? Even 2 days before she died my mum preferred sitting in her recliner at the nursing home, saying it was much more comfortable than being in bed.
What does mum do when she is in pain? I found family history research online was something that kept me mentally active and I could “escape” the pain as I was so focussed on what I was doing.

If you would just tell us a bit more about the pain mum has, and what illness or disability is causing it, other members will be able to tell you how they and their loved ones manage pain.