my well being

Hello i am martin i am a new member i care for my mother
who has dementia .

Hi Martin,
welcome to the forum.
Caring for someone with dementia is tough.
Do you get any outside support at all?

Your heading mentions your own wellbeing, a big issue for a lot of carers and one that always seems to be second to caring duties and wellbeing of caree. Do you get any “me” time?


My Mum also has dementia. I care, but not full time. How long have you been a carer for?

Your well being is VERY important!

Thankyou very much for reply Melly we do get help from carers who come
once a day in the morning monday to friday to wash and dress my mother and shower her 3 times a week
but i do live at home so it is 24/7 i do the housework do all the caring for my mother when the carers are not
there putting my mother to bed wash her every thing and all the other daily duties walking the dog etc.
i have been looking after my mother even before she fell ill since my father died 40 years ago since i was 16
but as far as how long have i been looking after her since she has had dementia 11 years and no there is not really
any me time except for down time with a few glasses of wine is that wrong that is to block things out i do get very down
and very tearful and break down from time to time but then i say to my self for gods sake pull yourself togeather
i have so very much information to share with you about my well being and my mother
kind regards martin.

Thankyou very much Sally yes i look after my mother full time but have carers who come 5 times a week for an hour
my mother has had dementia for 11 years i still work self employed go out to work when the carers have been in the morning
i can leave my mother but often most days take her out with me to work to get her out the house i do window cleaning
you see she is happy to sit in the car reading but can play up a lot a lot of people who i clean the windows for
are very kind and will say bring your mother in for a cup of tea or paint her nails she likes that she loves makeup
it is very hard but you just have to get on with it that is life iwish i could do more but get so very tired not all the times
of course there has to be carers groups in my areain surrey heath
kind regards martin.

Hi Martin,
it sounds to me like you need more support. Does your Mum claim attendance allowance? If she doesn’t she should be. This money can be used to make your lives easier e.g. pay for a cleaner or someone to help with the gardening or the laundry etc Help for you means you are less stressed and that in turn will help your Mum. Attendance Allowance | Carers UK

I also think it is worth requesting a new Needs assessment for your Mum and a Carer’s assessment for you, to enable your Mum to have more care visits to give you a chance to get out of the house and have some “me time.” Needs assessment | Carers UK Carer's assessment | Carers UK

As your Mum’s condition worsens it is likely her care will be too much for one person and she will need residential nursing care.


Thankyou Melly yes my mother does get attendence allowance and support from social service
at surrey heath sorry i am having a bit of a melt down moment i am writing this email and i am breaking down
i can not stop crying i am so very silly i keep having flash backs to how my mother used to be as a child etc when i was 5
or7 i am now nearly 56 what is wrong with me sometimes i am so strong melly other times i just loose the plot
i just wish my father was a round still he died so young only 46
the older you get the more sensative you get i feel how very silly of me i try to be so very strong all the time
and then it just goes i do hate fathers days because i have been with out my father for so long from a young age
i just have too deal with it as i said earlier i should not be drinking so much but it helps
shut the demons out i think i will carry this to my grave thats just how i feel at this moment
sorry about this.
There are good days and bad days but more bad days then good days
sorry maybe i will feel a bit better tomorrow melly 1 maybe not
take care
kind regards martin.

Oh Martin. That is tough. I think the fact you are breaking down means you are at the end of your tether and need more help. When did you Mum last have a social services assessment?

I relate to the grief you feel thinking what the person was like. I try and feel grateful for what I had with Mum. But some days it is hard.

So lovely of you that you take Mum to work with you. But for many of us work is a release from caring. Maybe you need help in the day so that you can get out alone?

Hi Martin, really sorry to hear that you’re feeling low and going through a difficult time. The forum members’ posts are all useful suggestions. Have you tried talking to someone about how you feel? Although it may not make the situation go away, it can be quite therapeutic. Samaritans have a 24/7 free helpline and can be reached on 116 123. Alternatively, you might prefer face-to-face support. You can search for your nearest carers’ centre by visiting our online directory: Support where you live | Carers UK

Also, have you been in contact with your GP at all?

Really hope you get the support you need both on this forum and elsewhere. Let us know how you get on.

Martin, you have become what I call a Clapped Out Carer, doing too much for too long without a break.

I’m dismayed that you have always been looking after mum, one way and another.
You need a proper 2 week break without any interruptions whatsoever.

When did Social Services last do a Carers Assessment for you?

Hi Martin
I don’t post so often on here any more but I felt that I needed to reply to you as I was in almost the reverse position so I can really identify with you. I cared for my Dad with dementia for his last 10 years or so once he needed more help with various ailments. I lost my mother at a young age when I was 16 so the caring and responsibility fell my way.
I felt much less alone once I found this forum and realising that it is not just you can bea big boost when you are feeling so “singled out” for life’s struggles .
You definitely need more back up support and need to prioritise yourself or you won’t be able to deal with things when your mum’s dementia worsens.

I completely agree that you need urgent revised care assessment and carer assessments done by separate appointments.
Is it just yourself and your mum at home- if so you can get 50 % off CTX by carer and smi disregards.
Have you got POA in place for health and finance?
Does your mum have mobility issues and does she need any special equipment- rising recliner chair, walking frame, grab rails, doorstep , bath seat etc . She may need a physio review. There will come a time when she finds it hard to get in your car to come with you so you need to plan ahead.
Now the important question- does your home belong to you or to your mum and if it is mum’s how is it owned- privately or rented? This is important as you are under 60 should your mother ever need residential care before you reach 60 as the home could be used to pay for care if it is in your mum’s name only and privately owned.

Thankyou Lizzy for youra very kind words of advice i am a lot better today
than yesterday from a very dark day yesterday the care company superviser call round to see my mother
and me they had concerns for me and have done a review of my mothers care package and advised me
discussed a lot of issues with me like putting in place some time out for me to go and do
what ever i like while a carer sits with my mother and doing some of the housework for me to
free up some time for me to clean the kitchen bathroom etc.
this i am sure will help i allready have a appointment next week to see the doctor for a cough i have had for a few
weeks will be nice to get to the bottom of it i hope it is nothing might just be down to stress hope so

Thankyou Lizzy and all of you for your very caring and loving
support its nice to know there are a lot of people out there that really care
kind regards martin.

Hi yes your right about clapped out old carer of 56
thankyou yes social services did a assessment 2 years ago
but will need updating
Yes i have been caring for my mother along time but you just get on with it
that’s me
the care company have been to see me today and are going to
some extra duties like some house work etc.
which will help i am sure thankyou.

Really happy you feel better and are getting some extra help in. I hope it helps. Please come back and share at any time. There are many of us on here who have just got on with it and finally reached rock bottom. It is bloomin hard and there is no shame in needing support or more help.

The assessments should be reviewed annually, so yours is well overdue.

Hi Martin, really happy to hear that you’re feeling better today. It’s good that the carers will be taking on some extra responsibility which will give you a chance to have a break. You can find out about taking a break on our web page here: Taking a break | Carers UK

We’re here for you whenever you need us.I hope things improve for you going forward.

Thankyou Sally for your kind words yes must keep strong and keep it together for my familys sake
must not go under will keep you updated about every thing
signing off for now
kind regards martin.

Hello thankyou every one who post me very kind messages and advice i will
in time reply to you all it is very nice to speak to other carers who
know what your going through i should have joined carers uk a long time ago
better late than never i say when i spoke the other day about a lot of things which you
all know about i forgot to mention i was very badly
let down by a person i had trusted and that nearly tipped me over the edge i felt as if
a door had been shut in my face
but you just have to deal with it looking forward to hearing from any advice other
people might have for me
signing off for now
kind regards martin.

Hi i thoughti was going to have a good day but things can quickley change
i think i just need to meet people my own age which is not very easy when your on the wrong
side of 50 you know 55
i would just like some one who is a carer like me around the same age
who looks after a love one who you can talk to who
you could say we could take the loved ones out for the day or a carers group cafe
where you can chat to other carers your own age so
you are not so isolated or lonely is there any thing wrong with that please tell me if
i am wrong.

Not wrong , Martin.

Turn the clock back 20 odd years … I faced the same problem … as a lone carer.

In short , if there are no avenues open locally , only one thing one can do ?

Create them … note in gp surgery … nowadays , even your food bank … asking local carers to contact you.

By doing nothing , expect nothing in return ?