My Mum and what happens next

I don’t post often but have been a member for a while.
I look after my mother aged 96. She sold up in 2000 and went to live in California with my brother and sister in law. She came back twice yearly to spend time with me and my wife.I lost Mary in 2015 and have been on my own ever since. Mum came for a visit 3 weeks before the first lockdown. She was unable to return due to Covid. We had 12 good months shielding together.Mum was fine, did all the cooking and walked to the shop every day for a newspaper.In March 2021 she was diagnosed with an irregulsr heart rate and put on blood thinners. Literally within a week, she lost her mobility, it was as quickly as that. Since then she has gone downhill. She’s had carers for some time, firstly one carer twice a day. Then after a spell in hospital followed by 4 weeks in rehab, she was assessed as needing 2 carers at a time, 4 times a day. All was OK for a while, although the carers were taking over bit by bit. I am on my own and it takes 2 people to move Mum. Mum would spend hours waiting to go on the commode and having to “hold it in” She had to go to bed when the carers decided to come and get up when the carers arrived. They would put her to bed before 7pm and expect her to stay there for over 12 hours. In the early hours she would wake up and shout through the baby moniitor for me to get her up.Then cry and get very distressed because i can’t do it on my own.
As well as this, there was one carer in particular that would have little “digs” at me. I found their comings and goings so very very intrusive, especially when they didn’t even ring the bell and just walked in on us. Our lives were being ruled by the carers. Anyway I tolerated the snide comments for ages until one day the carer interferred in a private conversation between Mum and me. I snapped and told her to get out and not come back. The care company then terminated the contract. The social worker was unable to find another company to take over so Mum has ended up in respite care. Mum needs a 7-30am get up visit as well as a late evening putting to bed visit. No company apparently will take this on.
I’ve been to see Mum today and I’ve been told that they are having night time issues with Mum. She can go to bed and get up when she likes. However late she goes she still only sleeps for 4/5 hours and then wants to get up. One night she refused to go to bed at all and sat in a chair all night. Mum is also crying all the time as she is desperate to come home. The staff know she isn’t happy and she will not agree to stay in a care home. I fully support her in that and I want her here with me. Many years ago she made me promise she would never end up in a home and she is totsally phobic about it.
My issue now is that I think this will end up with Mum having to choose between being in a home and having her needs met, but being despertely unhappy or coming back home to me and our lives being ruled by carers, that is if a company can even be found to take it on.
I’ve read posts on here about council funding to employ private carers and would like to know more about it. Under what cicumstances does the council do that. Do they allow enough money to cover the costs involved. Will they provide details of who to contact and how to go about it

Hi Judith,

welcome to the forum.

Firstly to answer your question, there is info here about council paid carers Needs assessment | Carers UK Your Mum would need a Needs Assessment. Social care would look at her finances to see if she was eligible.

I’m unsure how her living in California would affect her entitlement to funding. You could contact the helpline for advice on this;

Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (>> )

I think it will be very dificult to find an agency that can provide two people to put your Mum to bed late in the evening. The 7.30 am call sounds more doable.

Some agencies allow the family carer to be the second person - this may mean that an agency could provide one person and you could be the other person for the bed time visit. It may be easier to get an agency to provide one person a bit later in the evening.

How is your Mum moved? Has she recently been assessed by an OT to ensure you have the best equipment to move her?

However, it might also be easier to look at why your Mum is getting so distressed at night. Is it because she is in pain, can she change position herself? Or does she need the commode? Or as she is not using up any energy during the day due to her lack of mobility - is she waking up after 4 to 5 hours having had enough sleep? It could also be anxiety that means if she wakes early she cannot then get back to sleep. This is worth looking at it could be easier to resolve than arranging a late evening care visit.


This isn’t a perfect world.
Mum made her choices, and it may now be that she has to take the consequences of her actions I’m afraid.

You say “she sold up” and moved abroad.
The first thing that needs to be checked is how much money she has left.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
This is an absolute minefield.

Mum has NO automatic right to move in with you, you cannot be forced to be her carer.