My grandma has dementia

Specific disabilities and conditions
1

I should mention it isn’t the dementia part that pisses me off. it’s honestly heartbreaking to see her decline in every way each time I see her and I hate it so much. but the thing is is that she is very demanding of my mom and aunt and never appreciates the love and care they give to her when they bend over backwards to satisfy her every want and whim she has.

she was incredibly abusive to my mom and aunts as kids. she would beat them and emotionally abuse then as kids. it wasn’t until now that I truly understood what they had to go through as kids and it angers me how they don’t see that and turn back into kids whenever she wants something.

I was abused by my mom and I resent her for it but seeing how my grandma treats her I can understand why she treated me the way she did. maybe it’s because I’m aware of how this isn’t ok behavior but whenever she comes around I have to hold my tongue till she leaves.

I hate seeing my mom like this. I hate seeing the strong woman who holds her own against the world try to appease a woman who will never be satisfied with anything. she nevers says please or thank you. she just demands demands demands and we have to give it to her or she complains the rest of the visit.

I know she has dementia, I know her mind is leaving her every day and I shouldn’t complain and I should give her some leeway because of it but I can’t help but feel like this is unacceptable.

I just feel so protective of my mom. I want to tell my grandma to just shut up and enjoy the meal my mom made her or the desert she brought over. my mom does everything for her but there is always something new to complain about after it.

am I a bad person for feeling this way? I just don’t want to see her anymore because I can’t stand seeing my mom like this. I don’t want to remember my grandma as this demanding selfish person who can’t compromise on anything unless it’s done her way. I just can’t do this anymore.

it’s my birthday today and I was told I have to wait until tomorrow to celebrate because of my grandma and I just want to tell my mom that I don’t want her to come because she will make my birthday about her in the end.

like I said I know she has dementia so she can’t help the way she acts but I still can’t help but feel like this is unacceptable and should be delt with.

this whole situation irritates me and I feel like I can’t express how I feel without being azar echatspin told I’m a horrible person.

I’m just tired man

2

Hi Paul,

Welcome to the forum.

if your username is your real name please change it to protect your and your families identity.

This sounds a very difficult situation to cope with. You are right to try and remind yourself that it it the dementia talking. Though sounds she has other issues too.

Is she seeing anyone regarding her dementia or the state of her mental health?

Does your Mum want to care for her? She could have a Needs Assessment and paid carers instead? Your Grandma might be nicer to paid carers and even if she isn’t, they will be less hurt by her comments as they won’t be emotionally involved nor should they take it personally,

Perhaps you could give your Mum some strategies e.g. tell her to leave the room when your Grandma is being so unkind to her.

Regarding your birthday, it is YOUR birthday so you can celebrate it with whoever you like.

Melly1

3

Paul,

Can I ask if you nan comes from a different culture, where family have to care for their elders, regardless?
It doesn’t have to be like that in the UK.

4

My grandmother will be 81 in May. I love her very much, but she has always been a somewhat difficult person. She likes things to be done her way, and tends to get aggressive when someone disagrees with her. Things have gotten worse in the past few years, and it is very difficult to not lose patience with her. She is imagining things (like that someone is calling her in the middle of the night, even when the phone is disconnected), and she has also become much more bitter and aggressive. My family only makes it worse, because they seem unable to accept that she is sick, and that they shouldn’t treat her like a rational person anymore. Our strategy so far has been to explain to her that she is acting irrationally, but it just doesn’t work. She can’t admit that the phone can’t ring when it is disconnected, because it will mean admitting that she is losing her mind, and I don’t think she’ll ever do that. I really need advice on how to best deal with her, and also on how I can explain to my family that unfortunately things have to change. I’d appreciate advice from people who work with these issues, and also from those who have experienced something similar with a loved one. Thank you!