My Caring Dilemma

New to Carers Connect
161

Sorry for not having replied sooner.

@breezey - Mum refuses to have an assessment done. I’ve mentioned it to her but it’s a no. She says she is fine, there is nothing wrong with her. I’m done with arguing, it’s too tiring. She won’t admit she is not well - bless her, she still tries to do things but it upsets her when she can’t.

The OT came to see her a few years ago - they asked us to change all the taps and the door handles. They gave her a commode but she won’t use it. We bought her some of the forks and spoons you mentioned along with the nail clippers but she can’t use them.

The GP appointments for the yearly diabetes checks and blood tests was a pain. She couldn’t get out of the taxi and neither could I. The arthritis clinic haven’t been in touch in over a year. Maybe that needs chasing up.

Sister still walks like she is underwater and is about to fall over but presents perfectly fine at the GP’s who have said there is nothing wrong with her. When she talks, she talks in various tenses. She’ll say something like “I’m off to bed now”, then in the next second “I have already been to bed” and then “I will go to bed”. That’s for everything she says. Would an almost 50 year old speak like that if there was nothing wrong with them? If I had it my way, she would be in a home of some support She won’t help with any household chores yet when I try to have a conversation with Mum, she constantly wants to butt in - queue swearing and profanity from me. She cannot keep her mouth shut and butts into everyone’s conversation.

My hands are tied at the moment. I’ve bad mobility and COVID has taken a whack out of me so as much as I would love to pack up my belongings and run off and never come back, it’s not happening just yet. All this caring strain and the ******* from next door has taken all my confidence out of me.

I hope you don’t mind me ranting on here. That’s the only thing keeping me sane. That and talking to a stuffed toy at night. It helps to get it off my chest.

@melly - smashing idea. I’ve ordered 2 heat pads from Amazon and some more Deep Heat.

I’m glad you were sided with after your hip operation. I fully expected the OT to give me my notice but was surprised when she said “no office, no visits to clients, just work from home”.

Work are still being complete *****. I’m made to do duty every Monday when it’s very busy. I’ve told them three times in my one to ones and nothing has changed. At least I have evidence of bringing it up. I’ve told them that the conveyor belt of clients is going too fast so if some break and smash, I can’t do anything about it.

The OT said they may get rid of you on ill health and that’s fine by me. Would I get a bit of money if they did this?

I will try and post again later. Thanks for listening to me.

162

With regard to work, they have a “duty to make reasonable adjustments” for you if you have a disability AND as a carer.
Talk to ACAS. If they make life so hard for you that you cannot continue, that may count as “Constructive Dismissal” and if you went to an Employment Tribunal then yes, you might get a pay out.

You are in a Catch 22 position, you need a holiday but can’t because
a) Mum and sister haven’t the required support in place and
b) Whilst you are caring for them, they don’t need any outside support.
Completely blinkered to all you do for them of course.

This will continue until there is a crisis, or you go on strike.
Two weeks in Crete at the hotel I stay in would make you feel so much better, but it’s a very brave step to leave.
On the day mum moved into permanent residential care, I came home, opened my laptop with an announcement from Bournemouth Airport that they were starting a new service to Chania, Crete.
I was so dog tired I booked the flight and hotel within 24 hours, my new life was about to start.

163

It’s not just an assessment for your mother -have an assessment for your siblings and one for yourself as a carer, you can tell them all about it from your side, their needs and demands on you and the effect it has on your health and wellbeing and your work.
Get onto them for those assessments and get help via them or move out or forever be a martyr.

As Bowlingbun said your workplace should be making reasonable adjustments. Putting you on Mondays is bullying and tantamount to constructive dismissal. .You shouldn’t be being punished on infinite Mondays, you shouldn’t be on them.

Chase the clinics up.
Get onto the GP Surgery about her diabetes ask for a medication review, blood test from home, for diabetes and all related issues to it. When were her eyes last examined for diabetes?
If your mother can’t get out to the surgery, address the concern at the surgery and ask for a home check up with the GP and for her to be listed as home visits.
My mother has slipped through the net for diabetes clinic due to being home visits, I have to chase them.
Your mother would get all these checks and care in a residential place, if she had carers coming in they wouldn’t be on top of that.

164

@charles_2112 - I’ve only just found out about frozen chopped onions. I’m so glad I posted on here. I can start doing curries again with frozen vegetables to shove in too :slight_smile:

I’m a big fan of Nigella - buy things, shove into pot, cook and eat. Perfect when you are tired or can’t be bothered.

Cooking bit by bit is also a good idea. Thanks for your suggestion.

@bowlingbun - I think there are a lot of people stuck in situations like us. I know before I started posting, I used to look at this forum in the early hours of the morning and read and cry.

I often read about your trips to Crete and imagine I am there too. I used to book a hotel stay once every two months pre-covid and I loved it. Used to put on my glad rags, book into a fancy hotel in York, Leeds or Manchester (they always upgraded me to a suite for free, bless them) and just completely disappeared for a full day - well I would phone Mum and ask if she had eaten but you know what I mean.

Once my long covid is under control and I get over the fear of going out, I hope to book into a hotel soon. The long covid clinic and the OT from work said I could claim PIP due to the long covid. If I put in a claim, would that give me “disabled” status?

I love your no nonsense attitude when you reply to people on here and it makes me smile. Thank you.

165

@breezey - Mum would never agree to an assessment. I could have one done for me but what would that result in? I might be a martyr for NOW but trust me as soon as Mum is gone, I’m out of here. I’ve got some plans and a few friends who would let me stop over for a while until I can get things sorted.

Sorry not sorry, I’ve given the sister and brother enough chances. I try to get them involved in learning to cook, clean, do some shopping etc. If they can’t be arsed, neither can I. Mum’s always telling them to book their ideas up because no one is running around after them. If they choose to bury their heads in the sand, go for it! I offer to pay for taxis there and back if they wanted to go to Tesco but it’s no to everything. I ask them to help me with a bit of cleaning but they disappear. I don’t mind helping out but if they think I am going to be their male Cinderella for life, they need to wake up.

Workwise I do my bit and that’s it. There was a time when I was a well of empathy and sympathy but that’s empty now. I am doing 14 hours a week. My caseload is 33. Full timers have 15. One person does 30 hours and has 4 cases. I’ve discussed this in my 121’s and it’s all written down so if they want to play nasty, I’ve got all the evidence.

The diabetes blood test, medication review and feet check was done about 2 months ago. Eye test at the optician she has no interest in going to - think she’s torn up the last few appointment letters. The hospital yearly eye test always say her right eye cataract is getting very bad - her response is OK, I will have it done and then she cancels every appointment. I know she can’t see from her right anymore but what is there I can do other than drag her to the operating table?

Mum is her own worst enemy. I wish she would just go for these bloody tests and operations. Foodwise, I’ve been getting her a lot of Organix kid snack things like crisps but soft and full of nutrients which she can just about eat herself or sometimes I have to feed her. “Strong Roots” frozen vegetables from Ocado and Waitrose are also quite good. Cook then, mash them up, put some water in and I spoon feed her. I’ve mentioned gold top milk but she just told me to shut up :slight_smile:

One of my friends is taking me out for coffee for my 40th in a few weeks. I can’t wait. I’ve not been out of the house properly in ages! The coffee shop is 2 minutes away but she is picking me up. At least I have something to look forward to. I’ve started doing a bit of walking exercise at home so I don’t get worn out when I do go out. Thanks for listening to me rant again :slight_smile:

166

Any time. I may not be a great cook but I’m dead sneaky finding shortcuts. And I’m a huge fan of slow cookers. Faggots in onion gravy, in the pot for 6 hours or so to really soak the gravy into the faggots…mmmm. :smiley:

167

But what about a care assessment on your brother and sister? Get them one when your are having your carer assessment.

Pataks curry paste jars are great, other brands are available!

Keep lining up things to look forward to, even if just going to get a coffee for yourself or going on your walk, that act of time/things for yourself gets the endorphins going. Even a favourite tv programme or a curry tomorrow, look forward to it, spread some joy within yourself.

Your workload needs addressing, you need a caseload review and point out that the full timers have less than half the cases you do. It sounds like bullying to constructive dismissal by overload of cases causing you to give up and leave or to fail and be sacked, it could be an honest oversight and be corrected or it could be a sinister plot to oust you. Have that caseload review.

Look out for yourself and ask for a caseload review and address it. By all means rant in here about it but it doesn’t lessen the caseload, get it sorted.

Be your own best friend, look out for yourself and look forward to things.

that’s a shame she won’t have cateract operation, many fear it but it is very routine. I helped an old boy in the supermarket some years ago and he said he needs cateracts doing but was scared. I told him my dad who is same age had them done and would urge anyone to do it. I told him the second eye things had progressed and they used a spray to numb the eye before anything else and he chatted with them about television and things and when his eyes were healed he couldn’t get over the blue in the sky or the green of the grass. The old boy thanked me very much and said he would get booked to have it done. My mother had both eyes done, she is fully blind in left eye now due to an accident and then wet macular degeneration and she has dry macular degeneration in her right eye and very little sight left.

168

No caseload review yet but have now been forced to go into the office once a fortnight. I have no get out clause now. I’ve told them they can chuck hundreds of cases at me, I won’t touch them. I don’t have time for it.

Been feeling really down recently. I just can’t get out of the rut. I don’t think I’ve slept more than an hour or two for over a week. GP won’t give me any sleeping pills still! I did get some anti-depressants though. Crisps and Pizza Hut won’t even make me feel better about anything.

CBA cooking not even with cheats so I’m just ordering takeaways. No one else can or will cook and I have no energy for it. When I am running out of cash that month, I just end up buying soups from Ocado and frozen garlic bread. I always make sure there is a bit of protein for Mum - like fish or chicken and cut it up for her and put it in her soup.

I’ve finally accepted I am caring for 3 people which is 3 too many. I’ve accepted I am a complete ***** to my sister and brother sometimes but it’s not because I am an evil person but it’s too much and I just can’t cope. I try my best to keep as calm as I can and don’t let things get to me but it’s very hard. I am so cranky at the moment. I never signed up to care for and cook and clean for both of them.

I’ve finally got an appointment with the long covid clinic - a telephone assessment and then a face to face one. Hallelujah!

Thanks for listening to me rant.

169

Nice to see you back, OnTheVerge. I’ve had a bit of a “break” from this forum myself. So you have been ill with COVID and been “looked after”. Who looked after you? Did you go into hospital? And who looked after your family? Regarding work, you really need to discuss this with your trades union representative. If you are not a member of a union, join one.

My brother is still not well and has issues with his gall bladder and gall stones. He is constantly depressed and it’s wearing me down. He keeps saying “I wish I was dead” and at times I feel like saying “do you want a hand with that?”. He just sits and mopes around. He won’t go anywhere not even the shops. He won’t buy anything. He won’t treat himself. I wish I could slap some sense into him at times.
. . .

We discussed your brother a year ago. I said at the time that if he had his gall bladder removed he would be like a new man. Why has this not happened. Are the doctors unsure whether this is the best treatment? Or is your brother just rejecting help, like your mother is?

I presume that because of your illness, house-hunting has gone on the back burner. Get back to this.

170

As I and others have said earlier, it’s no good waiting for Mum to pop her clogs. You need to address the PRESENT situation.
What are your plans? If some friends would let you stop over, could they not let you stop over now and give yourself a bit of respite?

Sorry not sorry, I’ve given the sister and brother enough chances. I try to get them involved in learning to cook, clean, do some shopping etc. If they can’t be arsed, neither can I. Mum’s always telling them to book their ideas up because no one is running around after them. If they choose to bury their heads in the sand, go for it! I offer to pay for taxis there and back if they wanted to go to Tesco but it’s no to everything. I ask them to help me with a bit of cleaning but they disappear. I don’t mind helping out but if they think I am going to be their male Cinderella for life, they need to wake up.
. . .

You have given them chances they don’t want. They do see you as a Cinderella for life. Don’t waste so much effort on them. Make a break.

One of my friends is taking me out for coffee for my 40th in a few weeks. I can’t wait. I’ve not been out of the house properly in ages! The coffee shop is 2 minutes away but she is picking me up. At least I have something to look forward to. I’ve started doing a bit of walking exercise at home so I don’t get worn out when I do go out. Thanks for listening to me rant again > :slight_smile:

It’s good that you have a friend that will do this. By all means have a natter to your friend about your problems, but not so much as you spoil the trip out. This is a significant birthday. Make it the time when you turn your life around.

171

I can’t remember what I enjoyed doing in my spare time. I’ve not had any for such a long time. Like when I said I go to the gym, it’s almost on borrowed time and the time starts ticking down as soon as I am out of the house. I like walking and would love to travel but it’s just not going to happen in the near future unless something drastically changes.

172

Re reading your posts again, it occurred to me that it’s all very well telling the others to “buck their ideas up” but if she had been a good mum she wouldn’t have ended up in this situation in the first place!
The more you do things, the more they can do nothing.
All I can suggest is that you start staying out longer and longer.
Go for a walk every day, so everyone starts getting used to having to wait for things.
Make the walks longer and longer, a few more minutes each time.
You have probably been conditioned since birth to not enjoy yourself when you are out. I remember as a child mum having a bitch each time I’d come back from my holiday in Devon with dad’s mum, saying things like “It’s alright for you but I …”
If your mum does this, just ignore her comments, be even more determined to go.
You have a RIGHT to a life of your own, don’t feel guilty at having fun, pleasure, and peace.

173

Hello again, OnTheVerge. I have also re-read you later posts. One thing that particularly concerns me is your job. It seems that the COVID knocked you for six and you have still not recovered, hence your difficulty in doing physical jobs may be matched by your inability to perform at work at the standards requested. It may seem to you that your employer is overburdening you but from your employer’s perspective you are underperforming.

Firms usually have procedures whereby they can terminate the employment of someone who is not performing to required standards. You have been referred to an occupational therapist; this could be part of the early stages of such a procedure.

Briefly, if your employer wants to get rid you, for reasons good or bad, it will, even though it may take a few months.

Earlier you said about this, “That’s fine.” It isn’t.

You may get a settlement amount, but it is unlikely to be anything substantial. It certainly won’t be a substitute for a regular salary.

And, unemployed, you will not be able to raise a mortage, and renting will be very difficult, too. Your chance of escaping from that house and those dreadful neighbours will be reduced to nill.

Maybe you hate that job. Then look for another one. But meanwhile it is essential that you look for support from your union representative. Have you done this yet?

These are hard words, but I don’t want to see you drop into an even-deeper hole.

174

Your mother not wanting assessments could be her being in denial or afraid of being put in a home or under social worker and carers coming in which would free you from her which means she would no longer have you there. Get the social workers round to do assessments on you and your siblings and while there ask them to do your mother. Your mother is either being her own worst enemy in denial or playing the game of not having assessments which will provide help/put her in a home so that she can keep you home to look after you all and keep the family together.

To be blunt, it’s too late for “If only” when you are in a straightjacket or the heart intensive care unit etc.

Set boundaries and some self esteem to put yourself first, to have your life.

I agree with others, you need to contact your union representative.
There are two scenarios that could be at play here, constructive dismissal or compromisation (I can’t remember the exact term) of contract due to ill health. Speak with your union rep, don’t be alone, get their help, I am sure that you will feel their support.

175

Blunt summary

Heed the warnings from others
Embrace the support from here because we all care

Contact your union

You deserve the union support and that should be a game changer in you mattering to yourself.

You deserve the help from union, OT, Soc, Svs, et al

You deserve your own life

From all the information in this thread you can start making moves to make your life happen

You matter.
Make yourself matter to you. We can’t do it for you, we can offer suggestions which we have, now you need to act on them.

It won’t happen overnight, little steps, gradually onwards, union, sw, OT etc. Keep faith it them and in yourself.
Don’t be shrinking violet, ask how can you help me, how can I help me?

You love your mother a LOT - that is emotions, love is an emotion not a deed, not tasks, not sitting to heel like a faithful loyal dog. If she has to go into a home or have carers in, you still love her, those scenarios don’t change your emotions.

Tough talking, because you matter:-

You have two choices

  1. Stop going round in circles and take two actions - see your union rep and get the assessments.
  2. Keep going round in circles with every reason not to do things and retain the status quo for life.

You can start making life happen for you
Or
You can keep letting life happen to you and drag you under.

Your choice.

176

Hi everyone,

I’ve been meaning to post for such a long time but just haven’t had chance.

WORK - my manager is still being a cow but I got my OT to put her in her place. My manager says “my sister recovered from long COVID in 2 months, so mine should be fine now”, hmm!

They still keep piling work onto me but I told my line manager and had it noted in my 1 2 1 that I can only do what I can do and no more so feel free to give me 20 new cases a week, I won’t do anything with them.

I work 3 days a week but have been taking 1 day off as leave every week.

HOUSE HUNTING - I have no energy to do that currently.

HEALTH - I’m still suffering from long COVID. Aching joints, tiredness, coughing, difficulty breathing again and I still can’t sleep. I’m still waiting for a physical appointment from the long COVID clinic but they do call me now and then.

I accidentally let slip that I have been self harming when I had a call from the long COVID clinic (tried to change the subject but it didn’t work) so now I have regular sessions with the mental health team. I have two sessions a week and most of the time I just cry when I should be talking. They text and email me often to check how I am. I’m not suicidal or anything like that but just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel so ended up doing what I am doing. I’m on all kinds of pills to try and make me feel better.

I’m trying to put a brave face on it all but it’s so much hard work. Mum needs me to support and help her so I try my best with what I can do. I’ve got my brother and sister too to look after.

Thank you for letting me vent.

177

I’m glad your OT told your boss where to get off…and I hope it helps to keep some of the pressure off.

I’m really glad that people are listening to you and trying to help: it may feel rubbish right now, but it will get better. And so will you.

178

It’s OK to cry, let all that pent up emotion out and away. You have been bottling things up for way too long.

179

This ^^^

Crying is not a bad thing. Quite the contrary.

180

As Bowlingbun and Charles have said, let it out.

Pleased you are making progress in being heard.
Sometimes it takes baby steps rather than giant leaps.