To put things in perspective, there are two sides to this. When Mum passes away it will be a relief for your colleague in so far that she will no longer have the burden of caring. But it may also be a relief for Mum, who is constantly suffering. Her daughter will find it distressing to witness this.
How is your house hunting getting on? This quest should give you the motivation to keep going. Thanks for keeping in touch.
Hello ontheverge
I just read your story and I really feel for you. You are in such a difficult position with so many challenges and responsibilities. No wonder you feel drained!
Your story makes me think about emotional boundaries. The ideal situation is that we all take responsibility for our own happiness - a bit like tending our own garden. The problem is that some people (we will call them victim Mentality people) want others to solve their emotional problems and meet their emotional needs for them which is like expecting someone else to come and clean their garden. This is actually impossible because no matter how much we do (or what the movies tell us), no human can make another completely
and permanently happy, we all have to do the hard work of figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Unfortunately, some people (we will call them well meaning carers) find it extremely difficult to say no to the people who ask / tell / manipulate / guilt trip them to come and clean their gardens for them. This is not healthy or sustainable because a) the carer can never ever make the victim Mentality person entirely happy so they will always demand more, and b) tending to others gardens requires a lot of time and effort, leaving the carer with no time to manage their own garden. There may be good reasons why your mother is so emotionally demanding, but that doesn’t mean her behaviour is acceptable. If you don’t mind me making a suggestion, I think you might benefit from learning how to set boundaries of responsibilities for yourself and others. E.g. you may agree to take on the responsibility for cooking for your mother. But if she tries to make you feel guilty for going out, that is unfair of her, stems from her own issues of insecurity and her responsibility to sort out - you can’t do this for her. Moreover, the only way she can be happy is to work it out for herself - she probably isn’t as frail and helpless as you think because she manages while you are at work - and I’m afraid you aren’t doing her any favours by trying to bail her out. Setting firm boundaries isn’t easy to do alone because carers may have been in the habit of pandering to victim mentalities for years, and may secretly believe that they are valuable to others only if they care for them (this is untrue btw). So I would recommend working through this with a good counsellor who can support you to find your own voice, strength and clarity. Your family may not change, your neighbours may not change (have you tried talking to them btw?), so if you don’t want to continue living life like this, it is you who must change. I think you looking for a house is really positive - well done! Your mum might agree to move if she sees how nice the new house is. Even if she doesn’t, it may make your life a lot better to simply have a space of your own without noisy neighbours where you can retreat to at the end of your day. These are just my thoughts and what is important is how you think and feel. Good luck
Hi both,
Denis - I’m still online hunting but haven’t been to view any lately. I know I should aim at getting a property but I don’t want a hovel which will make me feel even worse about things.
V - you are right. I do need some sort of counselling again. I had a session via work before lockdown started. Hopefully I will be able to do one of those again. I’ve completely lost all my confidence. It doesn’t help that the nasties are so noisy. No point in talking to them, they just make it worse and then say “if you don’t like it, move”.
To be honest, I can do all the physical side of caring. I would happily do it until the day I die but I can’t do with the noise. The nasties have been banging like mad today. The worst thing is you are sat anticipating a slam and it’s so consuming! Lack of sleep makes me grouchy and angry and I sometimes lash out at Mum and the siblings I care for. I still have no idea why they won’t move. If we all clubbed in together, we could easily buy something nicer but no, they don’t want to move.
Mum is unhappy and controlling because she was in a very controlling relationship all her married life. I think she is petrified of being on her own. Dad wouldn’t let her mix with any of her friends or even her family. I do feel sorry for her, I really do but I can’t be doing with her treating me like a small child. She expects all the doors to be locked as soon as I am back from work and as soon as I mention going out, it’s “oooh you might catch the virus”. It’s so annoying!!! All my uncles and aunties from Mum’s side are in their mid 70’s. If Mum lives that long, it’s another 15+ years of this! I feel awful for thinking or saying this but it’s so hard when one person is expected to carry 3 others.
Oh and the hospital appointments are up and running again so I have those to look forward to now - 1 each week for the next 4 weeks! Oh the joy of it all! The brother I care for sent a text to 2 other siblings but both have said no they can’t go with him. I’m tempted to say the same but he can’t manage on his own and he gets so worked up and wouldn’t know what to say / ask etc.
Does anyone know if those alcoholics anonymous like groups for carers will start again soon? I don’t mean the online chatty one on here, I mean the actual physical ones. I would love to go to one and pour my heart out to random people. I need to get it out of my system.
Thanks for listening.
It all sounds so difficult for you, I have just read your last post. I’m sure that this sort of support groups face to face will start up soon, possibly after June 21st if we get the go-ahead>
Counselling might certainly help , do you have any sort of support from social services ?
Hello again, OnTheVerge. You don’t want a palace, either, just something small and affordable where you can chill out and recover your sanity. Not something that requires renovation either, or you just add to your burdons. Don’t assume that everything available will be online. It takes time and effort to put a property on line. Some get snapped up quickly and never reach that stage. Visit estate agents’ offices in person and make yourself known. They often have properties “just come in”, “under the counter”. They may even notify you of new sellers’ instructions that could interest you.
. . . To be honest, I can do all the physical side of caring. I would happily do it until the day I die but I can’t do with the noise. . .
. . . Oh and the hospital appointments are up and running again so I have those to look forward to now - 1 each week for the next 4 weeks! Oh the joy of it all! . . .
You seem to be contradicting yourself! I reckon that the truth is that the whole burdon of responsibility is getting you down. That is part of the reason why you find the noise of the neighbours to be intolerable, though your Mam does not seem to be bothered by it.
. . . Lack of sleep makes me grouchy and angry and I sometimes lash out at Mum and the siblings I care for. I still have no idea why they won’t move. If we all clubbed in together, we could easily buy something nicer but no, they don’t want to move. Mum is unhappy and controlling because she was in a very controlling relationship all her married life. I think she is petrified of being on her own. Dad wouldn’t let her mix with any of her friends or even her family. I do feel sorry for her, I really do but I can’t be doing with her treating me like a small child. She expects all the doors to be locked as soon as I am back from work and as soon as I mention going out, it’s “oooh you might catch the virus”. It’s so annoying!!! All my uncles and aunties from Mum’s side are in their mid 70’s. If Mum lives that long, it’s another 15+ years of this! I feel awful for thinking or saying this but it’s so hard when one person is expected to carry 3 others. . .
It may also be the case that your Mum is a bit deaf. I don’t think that fear of being on her own is behind her reluctance to move. If, as you suggested, you were to club together to buy a new house she would not be on her own then. But she does not want to do this. She is settled where she is and probably fears a change. You will need to make the first move and strike out on your own. You never know - this could make Mum think again about moving.
I agree with your Mum about locking doors. In times past, people were less concerned about security. I think back in horror to the days when, as a teenager, I “baby sat” for my parents during their evenings at the club. No regard was paid to locking doors; when they returned they just walked straight in without fiddling with keys. Anybody else could have just walked in too. It is also a good idea to have a chain on the door, restricting how far it can be opened if you have any unknown and unexpected visitors.
Don’t speculate on how long people may live. Tackle the problems you face right now.
. . . Does anyone know if those alcoholics anonymous like groups for carers will start again soon? I don’t mean the online chatty one on here, I mean the actual physical ones. I would love to go to one and pour my heart out to random people. I need to get it out of my system. . .
I think there are carers’ support groups in most areas. There is one near me. Ask at your medical practice, or Citizens’ Advice Bureau. As we gradually come out of lockdown these should become more active.
What kind of support would social services offer? Mum will NOT have carers come to help full stop. She outright refuses it and I can’t really force her to. I was offered counselling through work pre lock down but only had one session. I’ll chase it up once things are back to normal.
I’m still house hunting. Like you said, somewhere quiet to just rest my bones would be ideal. Even the not so fancy properties are very pricey at the moment. There’s quite a few flats that are reasonably priced but at this moment, the thought of having neighbours above me and to each side stresses me out so it’s a no from me for now. The nasties from next door are still banging and slamming as I type. Wish they would all just drop dead!!!
Went to the hospital with brother but they couldn’t do the MRI scan. He has an implant so it’s not possible. I don’t understand why they booked the appointment in the first place when they knew he had an implant! They now think the only thing possible is to cut his gall bladder out.
It’s like I’m going from one mishap to another. I really need a break.
I’m really struggling with sleep at the moment. Would my GP give me anything for it? I’ve tried loads of herbal things but nothing seems to work. Help!!!
Thanks for hearing me out again.
Hi OntheVerge,
definitely a sellers market, houses selling at silly prices and going like cupcakes (don’t know where that saying came from!!) Some folk even buying them without looking around them!
Noise is a trigger for me too. I have noisy neighbours one side. Really adds to my stress levels.
Personally, I don’t think a flat would be good for you - the exception being a top floor one - so nobody over you. My friend lives in a ‘posh’ flat. It’s well designed and her party wall is with a corridor that only leads to her flat and her bathroom and one bedroom are on the other party wall. She doesn’t hear anything through these walls but does hear the woman above’s washing machine etc which is on economy 7.
I have to say it is wise to lock doors these days - a few years ago I hadn’t locked the back door having carried in the washing basket and taken it straight upstairs. A chance intruder entered the house and stole my handbag. I was sat in the then work/play room on the computer, heard a sound in the hall, thought it was a bit quiet to be S, went to investigate - and there was a bloke standing in the hall. He fled. I told the police he left empty handed, but later realised he had taken my bag from the hall. Made me really jumpy for awhile.
That’s maddening re the waste of time appointment for an MRI he couldn’t have - totally waste of everyone’s time and also deprived someone else of the appointment. Who referred your brother for that?
Melly1
Hi Melly1,
Glad to know I am not the only one on here with nasty neighbours. Swear down, sometimes I wonder if anything that can go wrong will go wrong for me. The cow has been slamming doors all morning. What does she get out of it?
My brother was kept in hospital a few weeks ago due to severe abdomen pain. They did an xray and an ultrasound and the doctor who goes to see all the patients in the morning was the one who asked for an MRI. It clearly says on his file that he has a an implant (can’t wee normally, has to use catheters, the implant was meant to help stimulate his nerves) so unsure why they booked one and then he couldn’t have one when we went for it. Poor thing had not eaten or drank since 3am and it was that dy when it was really really hot!
I agree about the locking of doors but I think my Mum does it in a more controlling way - almost like you have finished work and you are NOT going out again. I don’t know if you have it there but sometimes we have people who pinch clothes off the washing line and garden tools and furniture too - so yeah, locking doors is a must. What a horrible thing that someone walked into your house. Hope you are OK now.
Has my first covid vaccine yesterday so feeling a bit all over the place today. I think we will have to eat a takeaway. I’m too tired to cook.
Thanks for hearing me out.
We had a takeaway the evening of our first vaccine jab (Astrazeneca) too. I planned it as I didn’t want to drive S to the other side of the city for his club in case either of us felt unwell. As it happened, I was glad it was the plan, because although neither felt ill we both felt SO tired.
Re doors, oh I see. Perhaps you should instigate an evening walk (for yourself) to get her used to you exercising control and independence - even just around the block.
No need to be slamming doors - thoughtless.
Melly1
OK for someone to lock doors as long as the keys are taken out of the lock and everyone has keys? Otherwise it is imprisonment!!!
Hi all,
Hope you are all keeping well.
I’m still on the prowl for a house. Went to view one last week which was just about affordable but it had cockroaches in the kitchen so I walked straight out. The nicer ones seem to get snapped up in a day or two but I have contacted local estate agents and left my details with them so who knows. Mum is still adamant she will not move from here so I have given up having that conversation. It’s such a shame because the ***** next door are making her ill - no sleep, constantly on edge but according to her God is going to help soon. I’m like whatever!
Has anyone stopped at a hotel since the easing of lockdown? I really need to escape even if it’s just for a day. I used to look forward to having a night away once a month or every two months. I’ve not done that in forever!
Mum’s lost even more weight and looks like a skeleton walking around. I really worry about her. I just don’t know what more there is I can do. I still buy fatty foods for like avocado and nut paste and cakes but she only has two teeth now so we struggle.
The brother I look after has been put on those milkshake like things from his dietician as he also resembles a skeleton. When he got admitted to hospital for his gall bladder issues, they were very concerned about his weight. He is down to about 8 stones! Had a hospital appointment with him last month and they want to operate and take his gall bladder out so he is all over the place.
The sister I look after seems to be going downhill too. She spoke to her GP and they have told her to go to the hospital for her sciatica next month. She’s had it for a year now and has not been able to get into the bath for all the time. We don’t have a shower. Her walking seems to be getting stranger. She walks into people at home and she still walks like she is on a mountain or is drunk. She wouldn’t let me speak to her GP when she had her appointment so I thought let’s leave you to it then!
Sorry I just whinge when I come on here. I hate whinging. I would love to post more positively but there is nothing positive at the moment to post about. It’s like I am living in an old people’s home and looking after them all. LOL.
The irony of it all is that I sort out other people’s lives via work and look at my own! I’m absolutely shattered and all. I’ve asked the GP for sleeping pills but he just told me to jog on. At least if I could rest, I wouldn’t feel so miserable all the time.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Ontheverge,
I think a regular night away would do you the power of good. How about using a hotel you have used in the past and been impressed by their standards and levels of hygiene. Alternatively, a smaller B&B or air&b could be an option that would expose you to less people.
Re your caring situation: Sometimes it helps to think what would you advice be to someone else in your situation.
Has your Mum seen her GP recently re her weight?
Adding cream and using and adding butter can help increase calories and buying full fat everything. Sponge pud with full fat custard and cream; mashed potato with plenty of butter that kind of thing. She might benefit from blended/ soft ready meals - lots of companies do them.
Sounds like your sister has something neurological going on.
Hope suitable house comes up for you soon - it’s definitely a sellers market - any good ones are gone the minute they are put on the market.
Melly1
Hello again, OnTheVerge. Nice to see you back.
Good move!
Mum is still adamant she will not move from here so I have given up having that conversation. . .
Yes, you do right to give up that conversation. Mum is adamant; she is not going to change her mind. Is it time that you became adamant that you are going to get yourself out of this hole? Mum can choose whether to have carers call or not. If she chooses the latter, why should she expect you to bail her out?
. . . Has anyone stopped at a hotel since the easing of lockdown? I really need to escape even if it’s just for a day. I used to look forward to having a night away once a month or every two months. I’ve not done that in forever! . . .
Not a bad idea; it would give you a chance to reflect on your situation. Your folk could experience life without you for a longer period. The next step should be a place of your own where you could enjoy this soliude on a regular basis.
. . .
The brother I look after has been put on those milkshake like things from his dietician as he also resembles a skeleton. When he got admitted to hospital for his gall bladder issues, they were very concerned about his weight. He is down to about 8 stones! Had a hospital appointment with him last month and they want to operate and take his gall bladder out so he is all over the place. . .
If your brother needs his gall bladder out, tell him this is something to look forward to. I had mine out after years of all types of stomach upsets and pain. After the operation I was like a new man - rarely any stomach problems nowadays.
. . .The irony of it all is that I sort out other people’s lives via work and look at my own! . . .
At work you are not emotionally and socially involved with the people you deal with in the same way as you are with your relatives. You have a successful day dealing with your clients, but at the end of the day you can leave their problems behind, for another day at any rate. When you go home you walk into problems you can’t readily escape from.
I am afraid I need to be frank, OnTheVerge. In the year and a half you have been on this forum, you have made some effort but little progress. There are two strategies you can adopt.
Keep looking for alternative accommodation. You seem to have convinced yourself, in your earlier posts, that if you move you will have noisy neighbours there too. This needs not necessarily to be the case. Melly’s idea of going for a top-floor flat seems good. It is less likely to be noisy, and top floor flats tend to be more affordable. A good point about renting is that if it does not work well it can be taken as a stepping stone to something better. A mortgaged freeholding is a better long-term investment, but if it does not work out it can be costly and complicated to change it for something else.
Look for full-time employment, or at least increased hours compared with your present. Are there any opportunities with your present employer? If you go for a mortgage you will be assessed on your present earnings and the deposit you can make. If you increase your salary you will soon be able to command a much enhanced mortgage and widen the scope of properties you seek, as well as enhance your chances of promotion. Yes this will mean less time looking after your family. Your Mum has imposed her will on you for too long. Is it not time you imposed your own will on her? There are caring alternatives available; if Mum rejects these then that is her own silly fault and own problem.
Why don’t you start to take decisive steps towards a better life, before it is too late?
Hi everyone. I’ve been meaning to post on here for such a long time but have just never had chance or have had to stop mid post.
I ended up getting COVID at work and was really ill for a few months. It was the delta variant. For the first time in my adult life, I had to be “taken care of” and it felt awful. Work were complete jerks and kept pestering me to return after 2 weeks but in the end, I returned after 3 months. I was struggling to breathe and walk and do anything. My GP kept telling me to take more sick notes but I gave up in the end.
I’ve since returned and it almost feels like I am being penalised for being off. My case load is 2 times more than any of the other staff and whenever I have mentioned it, I am told it will get better! I’m being forced to physically go into work even though most of my team don’t. I put my foot down and said no so my manager referred me to the occupational therapist at work thinking they would make me return to the office. The OT fully sided with me and said “don’t go back into the office until you are ready, they can’t force you to, it’s not on, I’ve had people not go back into the office 1.5 years since they got COVID” and also told me to get another sick note if it was too much for me.
I self referred myself to some counselling through work and it was nice to chat to a random person for 30 minutes each week for four weeks.
I’m constantly tired. I still can’t sleep and everything aches - headaches, neck aches, joint pain, muscle pain. You name it, I’ve got it. I’m not even 40 yet! I’m on the long covid clinic waiting list and hopefully they will be able to help me. I’ve been forking out lots of money on deep heat as that’s the only thing that helps me get out of bed in the morning.
I try to do the best I can at home but I can’t cook anymore. My arms hurt when I try to cut an onion and have to stop regularly. Cleaning I try to do but I am not once what I was. Most of the meals are from Ocado or Waitrose or takeaways. It’s expensive and it’s not even nice but no can do.
Mum’s not too good anymore. Her hands are all deformed now due to arthritis. She can’t see in her right eye. I can’t even cut up her food anymore as my hands start hurting. I feel bad what can I do?
My brother is still not well and has issues with his gall bladder and gall stones. He is constantly depressed and it’s wearing me down. He keeps saying “I wish I was dead” and at times I feel like saying “do you want a hand with that?”. He just sits and mopes around. He won’t go anywhere not even the shops. He won’t buy anything. He won’t treat himself. I wish I could slap some sense into him at times.
My sister is still as a mad as a box of frogs. She’s constantly chuntering away. In her mind, she thinks she is “all that and then some” but she isn’t. She doesn’t help with anything at home. I try and wash all the cutlery and crockery every other day. When she sees me doing it, instead of helping, she runs off into another room. Whenever I ask her for help, it’s always “I’ve got sciatica, I can’t” yet she will happily go to the shops or even shopping.
Still no help or support from other family members. It really wound me up that neither my sister and her kids or my brother and his kids called me / offered to do our shopping etc when I was really ill. Yet when my sister and her kids got COVID, they were hounding me to buy them x, y, z!
Sorry for the huge whinge / rant post. I just needed to get it all out.
Sorry to hear you’ve had covid and are having long term issues from it, I hope you recover soon.
Have you seen the reply from Denis before your last post?
Have you had a social services care assessment done on your mother and siblings?
Have you had a carers assessment done on yourself?
You love your mother a lot and you care about her care and your siblings - get the care that they need from social services because you are unable to do the work of a team for all of them and hold down a job, especially not with long covid.
I really feel for you, it is so tiring and seems so impossible a situation but you can help yourself, long covid permitting and not allowing it to be an excuse not to do anything.
Frankly speaking and this is hard facts, you can take a deep breath and get social services on board and make life easier for yourself - and move out and have your own life OR you can stay put being a martyr to their dependency on you and sob your heart out in grief for your life and your disappointment in the other siblings not helping you - harsh reality, they never will because they see you as being the supportive one and happy to do it and they are not going to spoil their lovely lives doing it while you are mug enough to do it instead of them.
Radical thought, pack a bag and disappear for a week. Just go. when you have left message your other siblings and tell them you’ve gone away and don’t know when you will be back and it’s time they did some effort to siblings and their mother.
Rebel!
Your mothers diet
Try low sugar yoghurts
Spreadable cheese on bread or tuc crackers
Soups in cartons from the chilled section or buy a soup maker jug and use bags of prepared mixed veg or soup mix veg, add a can of tomatoes and add some cream for your mum.
Full fat milk or gold top milk has a lot of nutrients
A doctor check up is required with blood tests to ensure there isn’t anything nasty going on causing the poor appetite.
Frozen sliced or chopped onions, minced meat, gravy mix, boiling water and a slow cooker, add frozen peas/veg halfway through and add dumpling mix if you can manage it in the last half hour of cooking.
Challenge your sister about her sciatica - it doesn’t stop you doing x y z things so if you want to eat you help or so you are capable of doing x y z for tea, I’m sure she can manage these suggestions with rests in between.
Learn NO and mean NO
Ontheverge,
very glad you came back to visit us. Very sorry though to hear that you have been so poorly because of Covid and that your family continue to be useless at helping.
Some great advice from Breezey.
When I had my second hip operation my headteacher (boss) at the time kept threatening me with Occupational health and like you I was reluctant to go. However, it was also a very positive experience and they wrote a report and basically said Melly needs x, y and z to continue to do her job properly.
Have you tried microwave heat pads? They might work out cheaper in the long-term.
I think it’s time you got your Mum a Needs Assessment so that she got some support to save you doing everything.
I can’t remember if she gets Attendance allowance/PIP/DLA? This could be used to fund a cleaner to save you doing it. Your really need to focus on getting enough rest to aid your recovery. I hope you get your appointment for the Long Covid clinic asap.
Melly1
Hi Ontheverge. I think the strangest thing about covid has been the way some people have had it and not known about it - and clear in a few days, while others were slammed into an invisible wall and wrung out, and still struggling months (at least) later. Some of us are lucky that way, the sort of person who instead of seeing “a pin, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck” finds out that the pin was attached to a hand grenade.
I’m glad your Occupational Health assessment sorted things out for you. One load off your mind, anyway.
On the cooking front…it’s possible to get frozen onions pre-chopped. Ready prepared frozen and tinned veg may not be as good as fresh prepared, but done right it’s still better tasting than ready meals. Delia Smith did a cookbook where you could prepare from fresh/frozen/tinned. I always make sure I have mushy peas in the house, and if I have any ham left over chuck it into some mushy peas with a bit of frozen chopped onion and some stock. Slow cooker, and you get a decent substitute pea and ham soup. About 10 minutes in the kitchen and very little work: the slow cooker does the job in about 4-5 hours. A chunk of bread with it and I’m happy. Funnily enough, while I was typing this, Breezy came up with something similar. Great minds, eh? 
I realise you may struggle even with that to start with. It’s just a suggestion to try, see how you feel. But plan in the rest time, too. When my wife is cooking, I act as a commis chef and do most of the veg prep. But if I’m out and the mood takes her she’ll spend a few minutes in the kitchen, then lie down for a bit, then back for a few minutes…she cooked a spaghetti bolognese that way from scratch. Took her a few hours to get all the prep done, but it worked. Helped with her confidence, and the next time might be a bit easier because she’s learnt what works.
Ontheverge,
Have you noticed that your post has attracted a massive twenty seven thousand views now?
The title has clearly struck a chord with many people.
Your mother needs an occupational therapist assessment, she might benefit from a shaped spoon and a shaped fork to help her get food off the plate and into her mouth.
Also her food in a dish, like a pasta dish or old fashioned soup plate so she has an edge to push against to help the food onto the spoon.
Meals without gravy or sauce so she can pick up with her fingers.
Finger food.
It is a very difficult dilemma because of your mothers hands, lack of teeth and her diabetes, I appreciate there are so many limitations for options and factoring in preferences and getting bored of things, it is not an easy task.
My mothers hands can’t cut her food up anymore, she has difficulty with the cutlery to feed herself and now she is nearly blind, so she eats with her fingers.
Your mother really does need a check up with the GP because such weightloss/lack of appetite is very bad and her stomach will be shrinking.
I hope your mother is keeping her fluids up.
GP told me to give her milk on days she has no appetite.