Hi everyone,
I’m 25 and living with my mum and have done for all my life and the last few years especially has been really hard on me for my mental health.
My mum more than likely has a neurological disorder from her body not absorbing certain vitamins properly. She went to the doctors many times about not quite feeling right then around 6 - 8 months ago she got a lot worse by not being able to walk properly, feels like she has to think about walking and she can’t run really at all, and the second she starts to do anything active she gets very tired. The doctors FINALLY stopped blaming it on depression a month ago and currently getting vitamins to help the body work properly but after a lot of research it can turn into a neurological disorder which is hard to treat. I’m lucky that she can still do stuff for herself. She absolutely hates feeling like this too and wants to feel better.
She doesn’t really have any friends at all, apart from 1 friend who can’t walk properly and sometimes frustrates her badly but at least it’s someone who she can talk to. But when I’m home a lot of her energy is mostly pointed towards me, she also doesn’t have any family that she talks to either. . She most likely is on the autistic spectrum most likely aspergers but hasn’t been diagnosed so this does explain a lot of her behaviour. If I spend 1-2 days with only talking/spending time with her for an hour or so on my days off then she get annoyed and pissy with me so it feels like I’m even more trapped
I also don’t really have any friends either. The few people I do know can barely lift a finger to make any effort for me, but will jump if it’s for other people. I had a lot of friends online a few years ago as a big group but for a few months I was going through some stuff and wasn’t really active at all and they kicked me from the group and wouldn’t really reply at all, including my best friend and since then I have really really struggled with making any proper friends at all, truthfully I don’t even know how to make friends anymore. I’ve never really had a proper true friendship in the past 10-15 years in real life where we see each other more than once a month, the last time I seen a friend was 1.5 years ago, before then was another year before that was 2 years etc. I’m not a horrible person at all and probably one of the most caring people you’ll know, i always ask if people are OK, even to strangers when they seem upset when I’m working. My social life is my work basically, it’s the only time I get to interact with people in real life.
I work in retail full time where most of the people here are pretty decent and it’s in a nice area so we don’t get much trouble at all which is quite lucky. My mum wants to work but as she feels so tired all the time she physically cannot.
We currently live in my dads house but they split up around 5-10 years ago and he moved out into another place so it’s just mum and me here. I’m very lucky that I don’t have to pay rent so I can save but I do pay for all the other bills.
The house itself is a complete mess truthfully, it’s pretty messy with things everywhere that needs to be cleaned up properly but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it, and it’s not in the best condition either with a leaky roof, large cracks in the walls, the main lighting circuit got damaged with some water and everything needs a fresh coat of paint, but my mum absolutely hates loud noises and having her privacy invaded, when next door had an extension on their roof she had a mental breakdown because of the noise, so having it inside the house would would be devastating to her mental health. So because the house needs so much work done to it I really don’t have the motivation to clean up because it feels like ‘what’s the point the house is in such a dreadful condition it doesn’t matter’.
She’s also terrible with money too when she gets very depressed so she spends loads then gets into debt, and this is with me paying for all the bills so I highly doubt she would be able to pay for all the bills if she’s on her own.
I’d absolutely love to go to university and get on with my life but I wouldn’t be able to cope living at home while having the pressure of university. I’d also love to move out too but I just don’t see how this is possible at all.
I love her dearly but with everything going on this is really affecting our relationship and I’m starting to feel really angry towards her.
I want to get on with my life, meet new people go to university and basically live my own life rather than being tied down it feels like. As horrible as it sounds it feels like I’m just waiting for her to die so I can get on with my life, I hate feeling like this but it feels like my only escape right now.
I know people will say to get out and everything else to escape, but HOW? I can’t see a way at all, and if I do leave there’s a high chance that she will commit suicide.