Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Hi everyone,

I’m 25 and living with my mum and have done for all my life and the last few years especially has been really hard on me for my mental health.

My mum more than likely has a neurological disorder from her body not absorbing certain vitamins properly. She went to the doctors many times about not quite feeling right then around 6 - 8 months ago she got a lot worse by not being able to walk properly, feels like she has to think about walking and she can’t run really at all, and the second she starts to do anything active she gets very tired. The doctors FINALLY stopped blaming it on depression a month ago and currently getting vitamins to help the body work properly but after a lot of research it can turn into a neurological disorder which is hard to treat. I’m lucky that she can still do stuff for herself. She absolutely hates feeling like this too and wants to feel better.

She doesn’t really have any friends at all, apart from 1 friend who can’t walk properly and sometimes frustrates her badly but at least it’s someone who she can talk to. But when I’m home a lot of her energy is mostly pointed towards me, she also doesn’t have any family that she talks to either. . She most likely is on the autistic spectrum most likely aspergers but hasn’t been diagnosed so this does explain a lot of her behaviour. If I spend 1-2 days with only talking/spending time with her for an hour or so on my days off then she get annoyed and pissy with me so it feels like I’m even more trapped

I also don’t really have any friends either. The few people I do know can barely lift a finger to make any effort for me, but will jump if it’s for other people. I had a lot of friends online a few years ago as a big group but for a few months I was going through some stuff and wasn’t really active at all and they kicked me from the group and wouldn’t really reply at all, including my best friend and since then I have really really struggled with making any proper friends at all, truthfully I don’t even know how to make friends anymore. I’ve never really had a proper true friendship in the past 10-15 years in real life where we see each other more than once a month, the last time I seen a friend was 1.5 years ago, before then was another year before that was 2 years etc. I’m not a horrible person at all and probably one of the most caring people you’ll know, i always ask if people are OK, even to strangers when they seem upset when I’m working. My social life is my work basically, it’s the only time I get to interact with people in real life.

I work in retail full time where most of the people here are pretty decent and it’s in a nice area so we don’t get much trouble at all which is quite lucky. My mum wants to work but as she feels so tired all the time she physically cannot.

We currently live in my dads house but they split up around 5-10 years ago and he moved out into another place so it’s just mum and me here. I’m very lucky that I don’t have to pay rent so I can save but I do pay for all the other bills.

The house itself is a complete mess truthfully, it’s pretty messy with things everywhere that needs to be cleaned up properly but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it, and it’s not in the best condition either with a leaky roof, large cracks in the walls, the main lighting circuit got damaged with some water and everything needs a fresh coat of paint, but my mum absolutely hates loud noises and having her privacy invaded, when next door had an extension on their roof she had a mental breakdown because of the noise, so having it inside the house would would be devastating to her mental health. So because the house needs so much work done to it I really don’t have the motivation to clean up because it feels like ‘what’s the point the house is in such a dreadful condition it doesn’t matter’.

She’s also terrible with money too when she gets very depressed so she spends loads then gets into debt, and this is with me paying for all the bills so I highly doubt she would be able to pay for all the bills if she’s on her own.

I’d absolutely love to go to university and get on with my life but I wouldn’t be able to cope living at home while having the pressure of university. I’d also love to move out too but I just don’t see how this is possible at all.

I love her dearly but with everything going on this is really affecting our relationship and I’m starting to feel really angry towards her.

I want to get on with my life, meet new people go to university and basically live my own life rather than being tied down it feels like. As horrible as it sounds it feels like I’m just waiting for her to die so I can get on with my life, I hate feeling like this but it feels like my only escape right now.

I know people will say to get out and everything else to escape, but HOW? I can’t see a way at all, and if I do leave there’s a high chance that she will commit suicide.

Hi Ben

There are options.
There is a way.

Whilst you are there looking after your mum, the authorities will leave you to it - for life.

Your mums diagnosis is key, you need to know if she will be better or if it is permanent and if it will get worse. If it won’t get better then your mother needs carers. You can’t do it because you work and you are going to uni and you are sorting the house out.

Whatever the prognosis, you need to be planning for university next year - not this year, you have a lot to sort out first and get yourself set straight and ready for it. Find your uni and course choices and what is required first - access course, foundation year etc.

The leaks and electricity need to be fixed, you will be having mould and ill health.

Friends, people are fickle, friendships can be fluid, some people are just passing through your life, you find out who your real friends are when the chips are down. But if or when you do go to uni, you will be making new friends there.

Have you had care need assessment for your mum and a carers need assessment for you?
If not ask for them.
If you have ask for a review on yours.
Tell them you are going to uni next year and tell them your concerns about your mums behaviours when you leave.

Your responses are normal, you are young and have a life and career to have.

Contact the helpline to pointed in the right directions.

Procrastination is the worst enemy.
The longer it is left the worse it gets and the worse you will feel and the less you will want to tackle it.
Don’t be overwhelmed or defeatist, just do it - get the rooms tidied and cleaned up before you worry about the painting of walls.

Start with upstairs because when downstairs is done you might not be bothered about upstairs, but when upstairs is looking good, you will want the same downstairs!

Get your earphones on with your fave music or radio show or a talking book to lessen the boredom and make it feel better doing it.

Pick the easiest rooms first to get a sense of achievement and into the swing of it so you aren’t overwhelmed and defeatist in the harder rooms.
Take hourly breaks or do one hour a day on one room.

Yes it will be tiring, it will be a long slog, there are better things you can be doing with your time, but this is worthwhile in the end because you will have that gremlin off your back and keep on top of it.

You are in charge but you know it can be done and it looks better.
You will feel better that it’s no longer sitting on your shoulders to be done.

Then you won’t have a last minute rush to clear it all before you go to uni.
This is part of your preparation if you get accepted on a course and your mum sorted out for her needs.

There is nothing worse than works being done next door that you know nothing about.
You have no idea when they will end and it feels never ending.
There is no control over when they make the noise.
So the noise and the time they’re taking to do it seems louder and longer.
But it it’s not forever, it will get done.

Hopefully the roof leak is a quick and simple job and you can have them do it on your day off.
Same with the electricity repair.
Not sure who responsible for those with it being your fathers house.

Having help in - carers, nurses is intrusive and impersonal.
But carers are trained to bear that in mind and the awkwardness of the intimate sides to care.
After a number of visits a rapport builds and confidence and trust in the carers.

Hello & Welcome Ben

You do have a lot on your plate. Sorry to read of Mum’s issues.

We are not totally responsible for others that is why we have organisations that help with care needs. Cleaning agencies sitting agencies etc etc.

You have a right to live your own life and have experiences unique to you. The fact you want to go to uni suggests you are looking for suggestions on how Mum can be supported when you are away. Note how I have written the sentence.

You need to start having conversations with Mum. Mum I’m going to uni next year we need to look for support for you. As has been mentioned Mum requires a needs assessment and you a carers assessment.

Within these assessments support can be started to support Mums and your needs now. And can be updated accordingly as things change. Most importantly Mum could have arranged respite so that work within the home could be carried out.

and if I do leave there’s a high chance that she will commit suicide.

What has already happened for you to be thinking this way.
You are not responsible or to be held to account for what another person actions may or may not be.

What age is Mum? Does she currently receive any benefits related to her medical health needs.

I ask as you seem concerned Mum will not manage financially if you leave for uni. I think you may find she may will receive financial help.

I agree with Sunnydisposition, you cannot be and are not responsible for the actions of others.
And, you need to start the conversations about getting her the help she needs and reviews when required. Many people are reluctant to get help, too proud, too intrusive, but then the time comes they accept they can’t manage and accept or welcome the help.

Focus on starting uni in Sept 23, that gives you a deadline, a focus on you and a future to look forward to and motivation to clear up the house and keep on top of it. .

Getting the help, care and benefits your mum needs is helping her, caring for her and setting her up for her independence.

Going forward with your life, moving to uni isn’t the end, you still care about your mum, you still love her and you have given your mum her independence back.

If you are not receiving carers allowance and you qualify for it then have it going into a different account and save it towards uni - deposit on accommodation, travel there and buying books etc.
Beware that it is taxable against your earnings.

Start listening to BBC Radio 4 and any other intellectual radio stations to get your brain in tune and your vocabulary expanding again. Do it while sorting out the rooms in between having music on.

if you aren’t reading books then start reading - novels in a few different sections, autobiographies and anything related to your chosen subject if applicable. Half an hour an evening, or in your lunchbreak if you are at a loose end.
That will get your brain flexing, the plot, characters, the twists and turns etc and the discreet bonus of rebooting your grammar and remembering what you’ve read the previous evenings

Welcome to the forum,

There is no reason why you can’t go to university. I finally studied for a degree when I was about 40, It was a special course for mature students, and although I had two young children at the time, one brain damaged, I loved studying again.

It takes planning, so why not plan how this is going to work for you.
Start by deciding which subject you want to study, and where. You can’t go without a place!
Then ask for a reading list, and read as many of the first year books as possible, before the course starts.
You will find settling in so much easier knowing that you have prepared well.

You say the house is a tip. Start with your room or section of the house. You can’t control mum’s behaviour, but you are responsible for what you do yourself.
Are you taking pride in your own appearance? This will make you feel so much better, and is another way of preparing for life in the future.
At uni you will have to cook for yourself. Think about what equipment you will need.
Do you have your own TV, bed linen etc. etc.?
What skills do you need to learn?

I am concentrating on you, and you alone here, as you have your own life to lead, and need to finally break the apron strings which are strangling you. A bright new future is possible, but it will take courage.

I had forgotten about the reading list Bowlingbun
However, for engineering the text books would have been alien to me being some years out of school.

My course (1990) involved “Information Technology”. I’d never touched a computer, but my RSA Grade 1 typing helped!
Then there was " Quantitive Techniques". I had no idea what that was. A bit like Statistics.
The lecturer despaired of us at times, but we despaired of his spelling!
On the other hand I had A level Economics, and loved HR and Law.

The foundation year covered all aspects, computing, electronics, maths, manufacturing and engineering and you decided your course at the end so the reading list wasn’t so prescribed.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the help.

You lot are completely right, I know in my head that my actions are my actions and her actions are her’s and that I shouldn’t feel tied down/guilty if she does do something, but as you lot more than likely know, that knowing something and emotions are two very different things.

My mum hasn’t yet been diagnosed yet, currently on a 3 month plan for the supplements to work. She hasn’t felt quite right for the past few years, but last year when she got the vaccines she got a lot worse within 3 hours, then felt gradually worse over the next few days and it wasn’t until 3 or months later when she started to feel better, whether she caught covid or if she just reacted very badly to the vaccine I’m not sure, she’s always reacted quite badly with vaccines throughout her life, along with other foreign objects such as stitches but never quite this badly. When she did start feeling better this is when next door had work done to their house for the next 6-9 months, during which she had a mental breakdown which left her almost catatonic, she didn’t really feel many emotions at all and just kept going basically. Doctors were basically non existent throughout this ordeal and would not do a thing to help, just kept passing it off or blaming depression.

She’s still mobile and get things done, going shopping etc just gets very tired very quickly and needs to have a sleep afterwards.its more to do with finances and mental health that I’m worried. Mental health I know in my head anyway I shouldn’t be relied on. But with finances she’s always been horrible and not being responsible, she’s good 90% of the time but if something happened or she’s just feeling really depressed then she doesn’t care about money, maybe if she needed to be responsible she might change, idk. But if she starts to fall back on bills I don’t want my dad to get screwed over either. Along with energy prices skyrocketing as well I don’t even know if I can cope either living in a flat/shared house.

She currently gets basic universal benefits although I’m sure she’s more than likely eligible for pip or other benefits options too, but she never bothers to try and do something about it even if I’ve found all the information. I don’t believe I’m eligible for carers allowance as she’s not completely disabled and can still do stuff for herself, along with me not caring for her 38 hours a week. At least I don’t think I’m eligible anyway.

She’s been trying to get help with her mental health but apart from group therapy there seems to be hardly anything around even in a decent size city. She tried group therapy but as it was more about talking about how you felt then immediately moved on to someone else she really didn’t like the little interaction with others. Felt like opening yourself up to others and no connection is there at all. She’s felt very frustrated with the lack of services here that it’s just made her depression worse. She wants something where she can be slightly active or do something that she might find enjoyable rather than concentrating on the woes in her life without any proper tools on how to deal with it.

The repair of the house at least financially with be down to my dad fortunately and he doesn’t mind at all. There’s probably gonna hace to be a few bits under the roof that needs to be fixed as it’s been leaking for quite a while and the wood might be a little rotten, I’m not too sure really.

I do try and use my brain, I’m always the one to problem solve things at work and home, I try not to use calculators and work stuff out in my head before trying it on the computer, along with helping people sort out computer issues. I do CAD/modeling work on the pc fairly often as well which would definitely help me in university. I’m not completely using my brain but I do try and keep it active.

My appearance is OK definitely not good though, with my depression, lack of friendships and where I don’t really do much outside of work/home, I’d like to do more but with time, money and major motivation issues I just haven’t really keeping up with my appearance, especially with hygiene wise as I constantly feel like ‘what’s the point nobody really cares about me so why should I use energy to do it’.

For my university I need to do quite a bit of research and ask people as well about certain aspects of it. I’d like to do mechanical engineering as I really enjoy working with my hands and designing stuff on the computer. I’d definitely be doing a foundation year as I’ve been away from school for so many years and even back then I didn’t do too brilliantly, particularly my fault and I missed 2 years of schooling due to my health, but I did pass basically everything except English which might make getting into university a little harder. I also would like to one day move to Australia as I know a few people over there and I’m starting to feel more repulsed by the UK, this might be just be me wanting to escape as well. But to become a qualified engineer over there they want 4 years of university and as most universities in the UK are 3 years I have to figure out what would be the next plan.

I can cook just about although I get quite/very anxious about it with stuff maybe not cooking quite right, what foods to use etc. Most of this stems from when I was younger I had an eating disorder which made me not hungry (genetics and not mental health issue) so I feel quite repulsed by it truthfully, I eat more to survive rather than enjoying it. After years of battling the doctors and social services with my eating disorder my mum feels exactly the same as well.

I haven’t actually had a TV in many years as I normally find the vast majority of programs quite mind numbing and boring to me, I do sometime watch stuff on my computer, but it’s mostly YouTube I watch, some stuff is crap but entertaining, and I do watch some science stuff as well as that is quite fascinating too.

I may have accidentally missed some questions by accident, if I did and think they are relevant then just ask away again.

Thanks for listening to me.

Mum’s benefits need sorting out. I’m dismayed that she isn’t getting PIP.

This is something you can help her with. See it as part of your “exit strategy”.
Ask her if she would like you to help her? If she agrees, you can then apply to DWP to become her “appointee”. Then you can manage her benefits on her behalf. Once everything has been applied for you, it won’t involve any more work for you.

It will also mean that you can claim Carers Allowance. What have you been living on??

On the one hand you say you can’t leave mum because of her ailments, on the other hand she needs you a lot and you always have to be available. This being “on call” counts towards the 35 hours.

It’s not so much she isn’t getting pip but that she hasn’t even attempted to get it, even when I handed all the information to her. She would definitely not be happy if I started trying to manage her benefits.

I currently work in retail full time, I’d like to move on and get a different job too but major motivation issues where I feel, what’s the point I’m gonna have to live here all my life.

My mum most likely due to autism she really doesn’t understand what drives people to try and get more money from different jobs. Basically feels like if you’ve got enough money now to live off of then what’s the point in trying to get more money. While I know that she doesn’t mean to but with her saying this all my life it has really reduced my drive to better myself, I know that at the end of the day I control my emotions and how I feel.

Good point with carers allowance, I might be allowed to do it due to shopping, house work and emotional support may add up to 35h but unsure.

Hi Ben

Thanks for sharing your challenges with the community. I just wanted to reply based on this part of your post:

It can be really challenging knowing that someone you care for may be suicidal, but there are some sources of help that you might want to look into:

As well as help in a crisis, Mind might operate local services that would be useful, given you’ve struggled a bit with help vis the GP.

Hope this information is useful and as always, the Forum and helpline (advice@carersuk.org) are here if you need anything.

All best wishes


Hello again

Just thought I’d link to our page and resources on Carers Allowance https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/financial-support/help-with-benefits/carers-allowance

The requirement for your mum receiving a qualifying disability benefit might be a challenge - but could also be a way to encourage her to apply, so that you can receive what you’re entitled to as a carer.



No advice but good luck.

Caring more than 35 hours a week - you care for your mother on your days off and from teatime to going to work in the morning. That’s a lot of hours.
it does depend on your mum getting benefits and it is taxable against earnings.

Cooking - I meant you are able to feed yourself.

oh gosh that was a long time for the works on the house next door, it is enough to send anyone demented with the relentlessness of it, especially if there is no escape to work or other distractions.

Seriously start listening to BBC Radio 4 and do some reading. Radio 4 to get your brain used to dealing with subjects it doesn’t know and reading to get you back into reading and into grammar. Both will help to reboot your vocabulary.

A degree is self directed learning.

There is a lot of research and reading and the dreaded dissertation to write in the final year, almost a book on your chosen subject/project.

Have a look at other options e.g
Ecology scientists could be ten a penny by then, overrun with them!
Marine biology/ecology? Its not for the seasick!

Get some prospectuses and take it from there.
Look at the course on the website, the overview and the course contents.

Hello Ben, I must say Oh my god… that is so uncanny. I will admit when I read the first sentence I thought it was MY own post from a few years ago! (i know, i now see you just posted this aug this year) but just that first sentence sound like MY LIFE! When I read the next sentence I knew it wasn’t me but then I read the rest of it and I swear it’s the exact thing I’m going throught apart from the fact that you have a proper go out to work job!
I personally am a carer for my mum, that IS my only job. I am technically an artist but I mainly get paid for being a carer for my mum by ways of carers allowance .
Just like you I have no friends or family members left that bother with us apart from my dad now about 3 times a year: my b-day, mum’s b-day and christmas now.
Just like you mum also has no friends or family who bother with her so she literally has only ME in her life and she puts all the owness on me. meaning she constantly complains about how I barely ever see her and she’s all on her own! I will admit I do sleep more and go out more now more than ever because
Just like you I have a messy cluttered house that really needs, not only a blooming good clean, but also it is in disrepair and is a huge house! (i don’t know if your house is huge) but it’s a lot of work for one person to do. I am expected to clean an entire big house all on my own. Mum won’t accept me getting any help. She doesn’t want people to come to the house and see the state it’s in now because she is very houseproud. Before she became disabled she used to do it all and cleaned really well. she kept up with it really well but since she had developed walking and mobility difficulties she just couldn’t do it anymore and expected me to do it because she didn’t want strangers in.
Just like you I have absolutely no motivation to clean the house or try to declutter it because I wouldn’t even know where to start and like you i think what’s the point? coz even if I did clean it thered still be the mould and damp and all the disrepair.
I’m not sure you are like this but I pretty much stay up all night because its the only time I get to myself and then I get up late because not only have I stayed up all night but I also have no motivation to get up earlier than 3 pm because I know I only have a day of chores to look forward to!
Mum blames me for the messy house and thinks I should be superhuman like she was and keep it up. i would be happy to do that but it’s too far gone now! It would be ALOT of work. IDK what to do with the stuff plus it’s all covered in mould and damp…

Just like you I want to move out and have my own life. I’d like a partner and a house of my own in a nice country village.
Like you I know if I moved my mum may possibly commit suicide…
She has said if I leave home she’d disown me and throw all my stuff away and that’s all too permanent for me.
She used to be a nice person but since her heart attack 5 years ago she’s gotten more cranky and nasty and aggressive . She gets like that every time she gets “ill” in any way like last year we get a rat infestation and she got bad breathing problems and she get very aggressive and nearly stabbed me. she came at my face with scissors because i did the dinner too late. I got it all on film.

We have a lot in common and I’d like to be your friend… even if it’s just online. If close enough I could be your IRL friend.