My Caring Dilemma

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@bowlingbun - I’ve mentioned this before, none of the siblings care. I feel guilt and help out. They see her struggle everyday, no one bats an eyelid.

When we sit to eat, it’s Mum, me, and three older siblings. Her arthritis is really bad and she has no teeth so she tries to mush the food up with water and then spoon it in. I’m the only one who will cut everything into small pieces for her so she can spoon it in. The others eat their food, chat their **** and that’s it. Once or twice, I’ve just eaten my own food and left her to it and the others won’t help.

That’s how bad it is.

@chris-22081 I’m the mug for martyring my life. I should have upped and left ten odd years ago when I had the chance. Don’t feel sorry for me anyone, it was my own choice. I did it to to support her but sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

I had a bit of an argument with a sibling yesterday. It was over nothing but he had to go over the top and get really nasty. Mum told me to shut up. I was not in the wrong and that really really pissed me off. I’ve read other people’s stories on here, why is it the one who does everything for the caree is the one that is treated like ****? I was so annoyed with her that I called her a silly cow and stormed off to my room. Childish I know but when you run around after someone day in day out (my choice I know), you expect a bit of kindness from them.

Roll on to today. She said something that the sibling didn’t agree with. He was saying all kinds of things to her “useless b***h”, “spend some money, go out instead of staying in all day”, and on and on and on. She was looking at me to say something but I just walked off. That’s your favourite son, enjoy.

I’ve told her numerous times to kick him out but she won’t. This isn’t anything new, it’s a daily occurrence. He just hurls abuse at anyone and everyone. She won’t call the Police either so nothing I can do.

We seem to have a bit of a hierarchy at ours in terms of her favourites and I am right at the very bottom. One wrong word from me and it’s like I’ve become Satan, whereas the others can curse her and not help her with anything and that’s fine.

She’s pissed herself today/yesterday. You can smell it but I am not changing her diaper. None of the others give a **** and she puts them on a pedestal so about time I did the same.

I wish I could just run away from this crap and never think about it again.

I’m writing this at just after midnight. I wish I could just sleep but I feel so trapped and suffocated by it all.

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Ontheverge,

You are burnt out and it sounds like you are fast heading for compassion fatigue. You used to take yourself away to a local hotel/guest house for break and some breathing space. It sounds like you need to do this again now.

A carers assessment would also be helpful - to identify what help you can have in your caring role.

Does your Mum claim attendance allowance? This money could be used to pay for a cleaner etc to take some of the pressure off you.

Longer term - we’ve all laid out and discussed the options in previous threads - maybe its time to action them.

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Please take fast action in order to protect yourself and prevent burnout. Call care homes or see if you can find a nice live in carer etc too. Best wishes. You are in my prayers as well.

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Hope you are all keeping well.

This will be a quick one as I need some advice.

1 - does anyone know of any sprays or such things which will take away the smell of urine? Febreze doesn’t seem to work and I’m going through two bottles each week.

2 - do you know of any products we can put under the throw’s in the front room, preferably something that does not make too much noise?

3 - Mum won’t let me change her nappy every day, I sort of “encourage” her after two days. She is so embarrassed. I don’t think it would be so bad if my sister was doing but she doesn’t get a $hit.

4 - any tips or products that might help me sleep? There was a guy that mentioned some tablets from Amazon but they didn’t work. The GP gave me some sleeping pills but they gave me really bad cramps so I stopped taking them.

Thanks if anyone can help.

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Hey @ontheverge sorry to hear that you are having problems with your mum and your sister doesn’t want to help
Normal airfresher will do more than you use.
With what you asked about under the throws do you mean something like a pee pad as you not made it clear, if so there are a few about.
I know it embarrassing to change your mum been there, like many male carer it hard when it a love one. Speak to the gp about it as they can get district nurse to help and they might be able to get help. Play it as you are afraid of getting safeguarding involved as someone might blame you for neglect when you have not done anything as your mum might be classed fit enough to make her own mine. She should be changing her when she has accident,as she might become prone to infections and that will give you more stress.
As for not sleeping, see the gp again and tell them or pharmacist . Don’t use stuff off the net as you could end up in a load of crap as you never know what poop some of these Internet medicine could do to your body.

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Lavender oil- you can buy some in a good health store.

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I’ve heard of products such as “Urine Off for Dogs”, etc., but recently heard about this one from a friend. They were going to try it - I’ve no idea if it’s any good: Urine Remover - urine stain, and urine smell remover (furnitureclinic.co.uk)

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Not tried it, but…

https://www.amazon.co.uk/McKLords-Professional-Odour-Urine-Neutraliser/dp/B09NDXPH55/ref=sr_1_5?crid=ODP42HGV27OI&keywords=urine+neutraliser&qid=1699166116&sprefix=urine%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-5

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BL1MD3PN/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B0BL1MD3PN&pd_rd_w=PEutv&content-id=amzn1.sym.84ea1bf1-65a8-4363-b8f5-f0df58cbb686&pf_rd_p=84ea1bf1-65a8-4363-b8f5-f0df58cbb686&pf_rd_r=WH59CGTXJ8JVVKXBFJ6M&pd_rd_wg=SPK9W&pd_rd_r=5a9c15ca-2c25-4b5d-afdb-57db5ee0fe75&s=kitchen&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw

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A cheap and easily obtainable solution is Biotex for both stains and smell. Just make up a weak solution and wipe down all affected areas (regularly used by pet lovers to clean up after pet urine ‘accidents’ !).

I’d also suggest something like puppy training pads or the bed pads used when training toddlers to go through the night for underneath throws - they’re generally the same size as the incontinence chair/bed pads for humans but cheaper. Plus you can get washable waterproof mattress protectors that have a soft cotton upper with soft plastic (so no noise) underneath. I had 3 of those for Mum - 1 on the bed, 1 in the wash and 1 spare.

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Susieq - Biotex was the cleaning solution I couldn’t remember.

I had to get waterproof sheets when G was in the midst of his worst continence problems. They were ‘non-crinkle’ which were so much better than the ones which feel like sleeping on a sheet of plastic. I then found Bamboo waterproof sheets which are even better. Found them on Amazon but they are probably available elsewhere. They are warm to the touch and no crinkly noises. They wash easily and I have them on each bed now. Like you I have three to rotate so there is no mad rush to wash and dry! I also swopped from a feather duvet (except in depths of winter) to a man-made fabric one as it dries quicker when needs washing.

Here’s a link to the King Size version I bought (also in other sizes):

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07PDHNMGZ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1

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Thanks everyone for your support. Got some Biotex and it works wonders - I just use some Febreze on top.

May I just ask, if I use an adult diaper and then put some plastic over diapers (look like diapers but are made of plastic), is this OK if Mum will only let me change her every two days? I’m just worried the moisture/urine locked in may lead to infections or something?

Lo and behold, we finally went to a GP appointment this week and Mum has been referred to an incontinence clinic. She said it might take a few weeks but highly doubt Mum will go there - it’s 25 minutes away in a car.

I’ve asked siblings for support again because I am really struggling but none of the f****** will help. I’m so frustrated. Mum won’t agree to carers and gets really upset about it. I don’t want to force it on her because she is really frail at the moment.

I’ve decided I am taking one or two weeks off from work per month and I am doing 15 minutes of me time everyday - be it just sitting in the garden or looking out of the window. Today I spent an hour buying new clothes and fragrances online :slight_smile:

Thank you for listening to me rant.

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Ontheverge, personally I wouldn’t use plastic pants they won’t allow her skin to breathe and will reinforce her to desire to keep wearing the same pad.

Could pad changing be incorporated into her routine eg when she gets dressed in the morning, explain just as she used to change her pants, changing her pad is no different?

I hope you can get her to the appointment for both your sakes.

It’s good to hear you are having some me time.

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Hi Melly. She won’t change the diaper herself. It’s bad enough changing it every two days. I try to say how about once a day but she flat out refuses. I was at work today and none of the others changed her so tomorrow, it will be three days.

It would be so helpful if the others got off their lazy backsides and chipped in instead of leaving everything to me.

It’s bad enough as it is. Mum is like my best friend and seeing her get weaker by the day is breaking me. I feel bad for going to work and not being there for her. :frowning:

We’ve got the appointment for the chest x ray, now just waiting for the incontinence one.

Thank you so much.

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@ontheverge does she have pads like nappies or pull-ups? The Tena lady pull-ups might be easier for her and are more like pants.

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Hi Melly. We’ve been using nappies/diapers that babies wear but for adults. I was chatting to someone on another site and they mentioned the incontinence shop. They are so cheap on there. If anyone else is caring for someone with incontinence issues, be sure to check it out.

Hope you and everyone else is keeping well.

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Hi ontheverge,

Look at Pull-ons on the website you mention. Your Mum might find them easier, you too.

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Also AgeUk Incontinence site.

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Thank you both. I will use the Age UK website next time round - they seem to be even cheaper.

Changing times are now fun and Mum is no longer embarrassed. We use the pull up pants, then a plastic nappy thing and then her trousers. There have been no leaks and I’ve not had to use any Febreze or anything, so thank you all for your advice. We are just waiting for the incontinent appointment.

I got COVID again last week and have taken time off from work. GP said I looked worn out but didn’t mention the caring. He asked me if I wanted a sick note for a month or two. I said one week should be OK, he insisted on one month.

I spend most of the time in bed but make sure my brother is downstairs with Mum. If he has a hospital appointment or needs to go somewhere, I will keep her company but wear two masks and have hand sanitiser etc with me. I wish the other siblings would jump in and help out but no help at all. Sigh. It’s mainly been takeaways for Mum because I have no energy to cook. I feel bad but what can I do?

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Hi @ontheverge
glad to hear the pull ups are working out for you both.

You are worn out and stretched to the limit, no wonder you caught Covid again. I’m glad the GP gave you a sick-note for a month.

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Mum’s getting really frail now and I am very worried about her. I find it upsetting to look at her because she looks like she is in pain. I try to do the best I can, I keep her fed and warm and sit with her and massage her hands and feet etc. I think her hearing is going as we have to repeat everything a few times.

Is there anything I can do to make her feel better about the situation? She used to love reading but her eyesight is going and her hands are full of arthritis so she can’t do much with them. I don’t know why I feel guilty but I do.

I’ve been off sick for a month so have spent a lot of time with her. We change her pull ups every two days and she is not embarrassed anymore.

I ask my middle nephew who is Mum’s favourite grandson to pop in every two weeks and ask her how she is and give her a hug. Bless her, it really cheers her up.

I attempted to cook dinner today and I knew what I was doing but I had her in the kitchen and kept asking her for instructions which made her feel rather chuffed.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a really nice festive season and all the best for next year.

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