its good to hear from you but it sounds like life is getting even more difficult.
The Long Covid team have said you should be off sick because you need time to rest and less stress. Caring is work too but you and your poorly brother are still doing it!
Time to contact social services, get your Mum and sister Needs assessments and tell the social worker you are no longer able to work nor do caring duties. No ifs or buts from your Mum or you.
A key safe will solve the issue of your Mum not being able to let people in and if she can’t physically open internal doors then they can either be propped open with a door stop or an OT can advice on door openers.
Mum’s not been having a good spell lately. She has become incontinent. If it’s during the day and she tells me, it’s fine, I can help her change her clothes etc.
The other night she urinated in bed but was too embarrassed to say anything. She slept in the same bed which was soaked in urine for a few nights until I realised what had happened. It’s no biggie. We had to wash all the bedding at the launderette but it’s fine. It’s all good.
I’ve ordered her some more nappies. Is there anything else I need to be doing or referring her for? She won’t admit to having a problem and won’t accept any external help.
I’m mortified for her. She was in tears which set me off and I’ve just been crying on and off since. She’s gone from big a super glamorous woman who would get stressed out and want to wipe her dress if a “Skips” fell out of her mouth (we have a daily ritual when I am not at work, I feed her a packet of Skips every day at 3pm) when I feed her to this.
My ****** of a brother gave her a telling off for wetting her bed. It’s not her fault, these things happen. It’s going to happen to most of us. There was no need for him to have said what he said.
I’m getting no support from the idiot sister or other equally idiotic brother. Any advice would be welcome. I’ve ordered the nappies and got lots of Febreeze. Thanks.
But a telling off for your brother is definitely in order. Incontinence is not a choice. It’s something your mum has no control over, and she feels bad enough about it anyway. Not making a big thing about it is absolutely the right way to deal with it, and unless he’s going to be the one cleaning up the mess and getting out the Febreze, it’s nothing to do with him.
Strictly speaking, what he did counts as abuse and should be reported as a safeguarding concern. Something he needs to be aware of, as social services and the police getting involved could seriously ruin his day.
Ask your surgery for a visit from their Continence Nurse, to check out any possibility of infection and give advice. I had two babies with large heads and sustained damage in that area. Later had repair surgery. There may be exercises that help mum strengthen that area.
A decent waterproof mattress protector will help as will continence bed pads. My Mum used to regularly wet the bed when she woke in the morning and sat on the edge of the bed before standing up - I got 3 waterproof mattress protectors so always had at least one clean dry one in hand. They were easy to wash and dried quite rapidly.
The mattress protectors I got are made by Slumberdown and have a soft cotton cover - so no noisy crackling plastic and I used to buy the bed pads made for training toddlers, they’re the same size as the adult continence pads but work out much cheaper (Wilkos 10 pads for around £4).
Hi Charlesh47 - the brother is a ****** like his Dad, he has no filter on his mouth and will just shoot out abuse. Funniest thing is he used to wet his bed every night when he was little. He is just nasty, the amount of times he calls me a fat useless waste of space, it’s funny that he eats all the groceries I pay for and the takeaways and I pay all the bills!
I held Mum’s hand and spoke to her when we were on our own and said don’t you ever be embarassed about it. If you can’t keep it in, just let it out. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. When I first got COVID, it was so bad I was vomiting and doing number two’s in bed so it’s all fine by me.
I will look into the Kylie thing later on. Thank you.
Hi Bowlingbun - there are no infections because I wiped Mum down, even down there because she can’t do it herself anymore. You don’t know of a continence nurse would make a home visit do you?
Hi Susieq - thank you. I’ve ordered one of the Slumberdown protectors. I ordered some other ones from Amazon but they make noise. I’m looking into the pads you mentioned, they look much more comfortable than the nappies I ordered. I wish I had checked on here sooner. Are the more expensive ones more comfortable?
The smell of urine has now all gone but I’ve told Mum if it happens again, to just say. It’s all good and I won’t judge or be nasty.
From your experience, is this like a one off thing or will this happen all the time? It’s fine if it does, just want to make sure I have everything in stock.
The pads I used to get from Wilkinsons were really meant for when training toddlers to go through the night ! But were just as good and the same size as the adult ones meant for protecting beds and armchairs. Mum neve even realised that the Slumberdown protectors were even waterproof as they have an interlining of soft plastic - so not noisy and they didn’t make her hot and sweaty.
As for the urine smell - Biotex is really good for neutralising that. You can use it in with the wash or, if an “accident” has happened in an armchair or on an unprotected mattress or carpet you make up a solution and wipe down the area. (I’ve used it in the past if one of my cats has urinated in the wrong place and can confirm that it does work.)
I think all the ladies on here can sympathise with your Mum’s embarrassment - I can’t be the only one who has “wet” herself in public when suffering with a severe UTI ! Yes, it was embarrassing at the time but to be honest I don’t think anyone else even noticed.
Just a quick question. Mum must have urinated in her diaper and then the urine smell came back. I told her today I would help her change but she kept telling me to mind my own business. I managed to get her to change in the end. There must have been a few wee’s in there because the diaper was really heavy.
I’ve told her if she does one again to just let me know and it’s nothing to be ashamed of but I could see she was mortified.
How do I have a proper conversation without making her feel embarrassed? I wish either of my two ******** sisters would step in and help out but oh no, they won’t!
This is my advice. Perhaps you need to go and talk directly to your GP in order to see if they can help or not. Alternatively you can contact by phone or via email a disability aids company in addition to find out a bit more. It cannot hurt. I recommend calling or emailing them pronto.
They might be able to assist as well. Best wishes. The local hospital should be willing to supply a permanent solution to your issue too. You are in my prayers. Let us know what happens when you make inquiries.
Is your Mum using pads in her pants/special netting pants or pads like a nappy or pull up style protection? I know she has trouble with her hands so am not sure if this suggestion is appropriate, but she may prefer protection that she can manage herself or with minimal assistance. It may be worth going through the options with her. Has she been referred to the incontinence nurse yet?
I phoned the GP but they said they wanted to see her - she’s not had her bloods taken for a while. I will have to discuss it in person when we go.
She is wearing those pull up style ones and it’s fine but I think she thinks they are multi use and she can keep weeing in them for a week, bless.
She wears long dresses so I am fine with taking the diapers off for her and wiping her and putting new ones on. I’m fine to change her every day or twice a day if she needs it.
I’ve reassured her it happens to everyone and to not be ashamed. I’m sure my auntie had nurses go in to change her twice a day.
modern pads are designed to keep the skin feeling dry and absorb more than one wee - so until it gets heavy - she is probably unaware that it needs changing. It might help to tie the changes in with her routine. We used to do this in school (special school) and change the children at lunchtime for example; then their parent’s changed them when they got home. Obviously if they opened their bowels we did an extra change if needed and if they went regularly then we adapted their changing times to incorporate this.
My husband has had terrible problems with continence but even before this I had waterproof sheets on the bed! There are many ‘non-crinkle’ types about now and you wouldn’t know it was any different to a standard sheet. As has ben mentioned, I keep 3 or 4 available - 1 on, 1 in wash and spares for emergency changes.
It got worse as his prostate cancer grew and now that is under control things are easing. He still wears pads during the day but I have to give a gentle reminder to change them regularly as he thinks they are expensive (he wears pull-ups which NHS will not supply (why not for goodness sake - dignity, dignity!). They are not that expensive actually!! He doesn’t seem to notice the smell, but I do and that’s when a gentle reminder is needed!
We also have disposable pads and I put two adjoining under the bottom sheet and then one directly under him which catches the occasional drip/leak and it is then read if there is a more serious issue.
We got to the stage where I was adept at changing the bed in the time it took him to get to the loo, clean and dry himself and then put on a new pad. It’s amazing how we can come from deep sleep to full wakefulness and perform a task like that without thinking, isn’t it?
As far as your brother is concerned - he really does sound like a ******. I have experienced continence problems with my Mum years ago and, as you say, the only way to deal is NOT to make a fuss as it is not their fault. G always gets upset and apologises and says a 67 year old man shouldn’t have to wear a nappy. It’s fact of life.
Perhaps your brother will remember his attitude if he has problems in the future and get a ‘light-bulb’ moment that it isn’t the person’s fault.
G had a phone assessment from the Continence Nurse who stopped part way through the ‘interview’ and said ‘I have heard enough - you need help and supplies urgently’. Oh boy was that a relief (no pun intended) for me.
There is help if you push the medical professionals a bit. The GP should be able to make an immediate referral - ours was just a phone request and then I got the call back. I hope you get support soon as it is just another hurdle in your Caring role.
Thanks for your stories and letting me know how you coped. BB - I told her about how you had issues when you were younger and she was shocked. She said I thought it only happened to very old people. I will keep talking about it so it’s less of a taboo topic for her.
I am “encouraging” her and changing her diaper every other day. She took her old one off today herself and put a new one on so I am happy about that. I told her that if we speak to the GP, they might be able to get us diapers for free so that’s perked her up a bit.
Can I just ask, when the caring/looking after stuff gets too much and you have no one to turn to, how did you cope? I have no significant other and I have five siblings who often tell me I am a waste of space and not good enough at looking after Mum. It gets too much at times and I just need a break sometimes.
Your siblings need to have mum on a rota basis, I suspect they wouldn’t manage for a day! Tell them you are going away for a week, after all you do 51 a year, employees usually get far more. They get mimimum wage, carers don’t. When they say who will do the caring? Tell them you cannot be forced to care!
I agree with @bowlingbun you need to try to put your foot down with siblings. Try pointing out to them that Caring is not a simple task and that if you don’t get a break you are likely to fall ill - then who will look after Mum? Which one of them will step up to the mark in an emergency? Also if they say you are not ‘good enough at looking after Mum’ tell them ‘fine - you look after her for a month and show me how it SHOULD be done’. I think you will find they will either back down or get such a shock at what is involved and how draining it can be for the Carer they will rethink their comments. I had similar with one of my brothers when Dad and I had a massive falling out after he moved in with us and then ‘dear brother’ HAD to suddenly do things (although he farmed him out) but when he started getting calls ALL night he could no longer say ‘he is just old and a bit confused’. It takes a shock to bring it home to some people just how much effort and nervous energy goes into Caring.
Regrettably, you need to be totally selfish - which is alien to most of us Carers as we simply sacrifice ourselves - and protect your own health. If you do take ill then it becomes an emergency. Some preventative measures of taking a little time for YOU can go a long way to averting the emergency situation.
All this is easy to say and we are ones who know how hard it can be to actually put in place.
