Hi,
I’m new to this forum but would like people’s advice.
My mother has dementia that has progressed over the last year to requiring all assistance with everything except toileting or feeding. She can’t remember anything that happened a few moments ago. I think she now lacks capacity. Superficially she seems fine, but she just states the stock phrases to people.
She was living alone in a sheltered housing ( LA and over the years warden provision has been stripped back from live in to 3 mornings per week!) she had a tds care package and my brother lives very near by popping daily.
Even with the care package she was not eating much (telling the carers she didn’t want anything and they would leave something in the fridge and she wouldn’t remember to eat it. ) she would eat food out of the freezer uncooked. She can no longer make herself tea. She would get dressed before the carers arrived and often refuse wash or change of clothes. She would leave her door unlocked all the time. She couldn’t use the alarm system or telephone.
She is very mobile and recently has started walking 30 mins to busy city centre sometimes in the dark evenings and has luckily been helped back by strangers very confused. She has little road sense. Police were only notified once by the kind strangers, but never responded.
I live 200 miles away, work and have smal children. My brother works full time. we decided we couldn’t have her live with us.
Before Xmas we decided she was unsafe at home and she is now in a rest home for a 4 week trial. There are no housing with 24 hr warden on site in the area. She looks clean and well fed for first time in ages. Staff say she is settling in but does wander at night. However she has made no attempt to try and escape.
She is self funding but will reach the £23’000 threshold in 6 months. The home has LA funded beds and we are prepared to pay a top up for sometime if required. But can’t pay £3k per month it will cost.
I’m really worried that SW will assess her and state that she could be cared for somewhere else if she doesn’t seem to wander again . She won’t have a property to return to. Could they say she’s too well for a care home and refuse to fund? Thanks
Hi Beverly
Well done on everything you have achieved for Mum so far. Distance caring is the pits!
Given what you have said about the issues she has with memory and caring for herself, it does sound unlikely she is able to return to independent living, but you are sensible to be aware the finances may mean SS try to take different view.
So, firstly the Care home manager needs to be on your side as what they say about her abilities will carry a lot of weight. Let the manager think that you are wanting to keep mum there, praise the home and staff, play the game.
Keep a dairy of any incidents with mums memory or self care. She is clean and fed at the moment BECAUSE she is being cleaned and fed! She isn’t doing it for herself. Keep a record of what she can’t do, or fails to do.
As with top ups, please don’t let anyone know you are thinking of this. Funding should be solely from mum. No one else’s contributions should be taken into account. Although they can start small, they increase far far above inflation and all sorts of other charges will be added. Although they can be asked for, no one can force you to agree to sign up. They are totally voluntarily but once you’ve signed you are tied in with no escape. £40 a week now could easily be £100 a week in just 2 years.
Good luck
MrsA
Mrs. A has given good advice.
Can I ask what state mum’s home is in?
Presumably it was rented?
Mum has shown that she cannot live alone any more, she is paying the price for her old age. (Exactly how old is she?)
Has she given you Power of Attorney?
Been claiming Attendance Allowance?
Claimed exemption from Council Tax due to “severe mental impairment”?
Thank you for your replies that helps.
My mum is 81 and she is renting.
The flat is slightly run down, but otherwise not too bad as we’ve been going in to clean it and check cupboards for rotten food in wrong places etc. The warden felt this was not the right place for her so may also speak to her to ask if she could provide statement.
I’ve only just realised about council tax exception. I think she’s been paying it since her diagnosis a few years ago.
We only have POA for finances. Now regretting not POA health and welfare but at the time my mum refused to get due to payment and we didn’t push.- sigh
Thanks for advice about care home manager and keeping diary. That sounds really sensible to put case forward.
Didn’t realise how much this would affect me emotionally.
Hi again
Were SS involved in the decision to try a residential home? Were they funding her daily carers?
Am only asking to determine how much they already know
If they haven’t been involved then write down now (before you forget) all the things she was having difficulty with in the flat. Not being able to use the phone or alarm are crucial.
Ironically, the fact she is settling in well is a sign she isn’t aware, most elderly really rail against going into a Home and take many months to settle.
Another point in your favour is that another move could really unsettle her and mean a bigger quicker deterioration.
Don’t be alarmed if the Home starts to talk about Deprivation of Liberty safeguards. It’s a legal process that must be gone through as and when someone is no longer allowed to come and go as they please. Again it’s more fuel to your argument that she can’t cope alone any longer
Don’t feel guilty, it’s just that aging and dementia are very sad. You are being loving, caring and considerate
Xx