My mum has dementia, we initially noticed changes with her being confused less than 2 years ago. She has rapidly deteriorated, losing her mobility, becoming almost non verbal and having no emotion. Me and my Dad (mostly him) cared for her but 7 weeks ago she fell and ended up in hospital. We secured a place at a nice care home and she moved in yesterday.
My question is how do you deal with this change? I feel tremendous guilt and sadness for my Mum. The home is nice, small and well staffed but the other residents can be disruptive and look so old and ill compared to my Mum. Sheās 76, trendy and was very high functioning. She has more awareness than we think so Iām worried sheās sad or scared in those surroundings.
I feel like crying all the time, my stomach is in knots. I donāt want to go to my GP or take meds. Will this feeling reduce and will Mum be ok?
Anyone advice would be appreciated.
Hi welcome
This sounds so very sad.
If my reply is not helpful please discard as an Autumn leaf. 
My hunch is you and your family have done every possible thing you could to keep her at home and you got to the point where she needed the care home or and you and your family couldnāt cope.
She has changed, it is no oneās fault and you needed to be wise for her as she has been for you in the past.
Perhaps Ask the care home workers if they can reassure you by letting you know how she is doing.
I have to take very hard decisions and bear guilt and forgive myself knowing I am doing the very best I can in difficult circumstances.
Warm wishes Ula
[quote=āMrsS, post:1, topic:125799ā]
be disruptive and look so old and ill compared to my Mum. Sheās 76, trendy and was very high functioning [/quote]
When I was suddenly widowed, it was obviously very distressing. I simply couldnāt sleep, often doing paperwork and accounts for our business at 3am. I didnāt WANT any pills but my body NEEDED them. Be kind to yourself. Your situation ia also a form of mourning, no one would wish to be in your situation. After a few days on the full dose I took half a tablet so I could stay in bed, relaxed, if I wasnāt actually sleeping. At least talk to your GP or a counsellor.
@MrsS hi. I really feel for you and your family. I had to do the same thing for my dad in 2019 which was only a year after his formal diagnosis of Alzheimerās finally came. You tell yourself you can keep them at home, but you eventually reach the point where it is best for all of you to make that decision to have them cared for elsewhere. If you fall apart through trying to care for your mum, then everything fails. You and your dad will grieve as BB says, but you will find a new strength to get you through the next phase. Your mum is in the best possible hands and she will be cared for with dignity and understanding. You will visit and your relationship will take on a new framework, and then you will go home, rest up and go againā¦ā¦ I am sending you and your dad virtual hugs. You will get through this and we are all here to help and support.
My Mum was bimbling along and just about coping at home until she started getting infections from a replacement valve that made her dementia more of a challenge. These involved long stays in hospital. One stay was during covid. Mum went in at a time when no visitors were allowed, and the only way to get in touch was by phone. Which she lost. We spoke on the ward phone a couple of times, but even getting through to the hospital was a nightmare, and it became clear on the few occasions we could talk that Mum would not cope if she went back to her flat. We were in no position to take her in - my wife sleeps downstairs as she canāt manage the stairs, and Mum would jhave been the same. And, frankly, I couldnāt have given her the increased level of care she needed as well as everything else.
So I asked about residential care.
The guilt was enormous - and unreasonable. And thatās the thing. Guilt implies that you feel you should have done more for Mum, when in reality youāve done all you can. Deciding to use a care home is an act of love, not abandonment. You wanted her to have better care than you were able to provide. Thatās a good thing.
When Mum moved into the care home it was a temporary measure to see if she would be able to return home, although we suspected that she wouldnāt. She settled in very quickly, but it was clear that sheād reconstructed the room so that in her mind it was her old flat but someone had locked the kitchen door so she couldnāt grab snacks when she felt like it. After a while, even that was forgotten.
Itās nearly two years since she died, and every now and then I get the guilt pangs, but they have got easier over time, and I know that I did everything I could for Mum. Itās a perfectly normal feeling and you do learn to deal with it.
Just remember that moving your Mum to somewhere she could receive more care than you were able to give was an act of love.
@MrsS
Welcome to the forum
My lovely late husband suffered strokes, vascular dementia and other health issues. He eventually went into a nursing home. Not what my family or myself wanted but it was definitely needed for his safeguarding and mine. His consultant wouldnāt allow him to be at our home. It took a while for him to settle but eventually did. The situation broke my heart, and I had the guilt monster on my shoulder many many times. I had to learn to kick it away because his needs were paramount to my feelings. We made care managed by making sure he had everything needed.
You are going through ambiguous grief. Eventually you will adjust as your mum settles. Needās ride over wants in certain situations sadly. My heart goes out to you.
Welcome to the forum @MrsS. I am in a similar situation as my mum went into a home this week and the guilt is overwhelming. I am hoping she will settle but I think it is going to take time. My mum has mixed dementia and is still āwith itā a lot of the time. Coupled with her mobility issues it did become unworkable for her to stay at home. All we can do is know they are in a safe place and be there as much as we can for them.
Hello, Mrs S. You have had some very positive replies so far, with which I entirely agree. I note in patricular the post by Charlesh. Mum reconstructed her room to resemble the old flat.
A lady I used to know (now deceased) had a lounge at home that was very heavily decorated (more so than most of us would wish for). When she moved into care, she took with her the best of her ornaments and proudly displayed them in her room. Hence she retained her personality and identity. Perhaps you could do something similar with your mum. Visit her frequently and see how you can help in this respect.
There is no need to feel guilty, although it is understandable that you do. She is in the best place, particularly in view of the fall she recently had, as well as the dementia.
Just like everyone says the guilt can be overwhelming - it was for me. Some good tips from others here - I too tried to make my mumās room like her flat. And made sure she had all her favourite clothes. Whilst I still could I did take her out until her dementia made it too difficult. Please take care of yourself as you have your mum and hopefully your anguish will diminish when you see you have done the best for her safety and wellbeing XX
Oh, Iām so sorry to hear this. My Mumās not in a home but she is slowly losing herself and I feel so awful. Itās not my fault she is getting older and being discombobulated etc but I still feel guilty about it.
Iām sure they will do everything and more for your Mum. Try and take it easy if you can (easier said than done). Wishing you the best x