Mum Has Been Admitted To A Care Home

Hi folks I used to frequent this site on a regular basis some years ago…I started in the caring role in 2003 when my dad had a serious brain bleed and survived…he came home severely disabled in 2004 and passed away in 2013 and my choice then was to give up my day job to help Mum look after him at home…in 2007 my dear Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia and it has been a very tricky road following my Dad’s death…as you all know
dementia doesn’t improve just gets, in my Mums case, very slowly worse. Just before Christmas Mum had yet another fall and hit her head on the radiator on the way down to the floor and although I was right behind her she had just come out of the shower and She slipped from my grasp. This fall caused a very small brain bleed which although wasn’t as serious as life threatening it had a really bad effect on her already fastly declining dementia. She was an in patient for 4 weeks without me able to visit when they finally deemed her unsafe to return home. She was admitted to a very nice step down home for 12 weeks NHS care. I’ve finally come to terms that she’s in the best place for her now, I simply cannot cope any more especially with the deterioration but by the Lord do I feel guilty. I fell that even after some 18 years of looking after them both I have let her down big time…we are allowed to visit via a lovely converted orangery and a perspex screen and upto today she’s been great, although on a different planet to the rest of us, but today she was quite weepy and its affected me quite badly…can I ask is it normal to feel like this xxxx

Dear JHR57,

you definitely have nothing to feel guilty for, you cared for your Dad and then your Mum for many years.

It sounds like she is being cared for a lovely place who have set up a safe and pleasant visiting set up.

You wouldn’t be human to be unaffected by your Mum being weepy today.

Try and rationalise it however, think of all the times you have visited her and she has been content in her own world compared to just this one occasion when she wasn’t.


Thank you Melly… I remember reading your posts hope you’re doing OK in these very strange times. This is a very strange time for me I have gone from having no time at all for myself…flitting between the two properties and trying my level best to keep everyone as happy abd cared for as I could… to having so much time I’m constantly overthinking everything and the anxious feelings are very overwhelming as I type…we’re still not 100% sure on what needs to happen next Mums home is being NHS funded until a Social Worker is assigned who will apparently talk us through the next stages…this is apparently delayed due to the dreaded covid and oh how I wish I could be like my hubby who simply says well don’t think about it until they contact you the ball is in their court now…I’m such a worry wart but thank you for replying xxxx

Why do feel the way I do - because I care.
Why do I feel a sense of loss - because it’s no longer within my control.
Why do I feel this way - because it’s normal. I am only human.

This is another type of caring you are still available for Mum. You are still advocating on her behalf.
She is just in a different setting.
Be kind to yourself.

It’s perfectly normal. Always that feeling of “I could have done more”.
Mam had dementia for 10 years, her last 18 months were in a wonderful care home. Difficult for all initially, but it wasn’t long before it became clear it was the best place for her. Although well physically, she required 24 hour care.
She began to thoroughly enjoy the activities & having people around to chat to. I remember her telling me once, she’d never had so many friends. I mean, she thought she was on holiday in a hotel, but how wonderful is that?

Please, don’t beat yourself up, you’ve done everything you possibly could & this is one of those things.

Time to take some care of yourself

I would suggest a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. Originally written for divorcees, but it helped me find a way forward after I was widowed, and gradually build a new life. It’s easy to read, helped me work out what I wanted for the future. Often on eBay, not expensive.