Missing my mum

Hi, my name is Neil & my mum passed away on Wednesday. I had been caring for her, along with my sisters, for the last few years. She started going downhill about 10 days ago with kidney failure. My eldest sister moved in with her & became her main carer, she also started to have nurses come in & help, which I never had during lockdown & I was still working. I felt like a visitor in the last few days of her life. I was unable to care for her as she was almost unconscious most of the time & had people to help her. It’s only today that I have felt anything & I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. My family are so good but I know they’re hurting too. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Sorry it sounds a bit whiny but I don’t which way to turn. Thank you for reading my story.

Hello Neil, I lost my mum it’s coming up to two years in October, I totally understand, it’s the worst feeling in the world, I was totally lost when she passed, numb , cried buckets but baby steps and I got stronger, still miss her like mad but my tears have dried up if you know what I mean, only advice I can give you is don’t fight your feelings, you’ll have your up days and plenty of down days, but eventually it will start to ease and plateau, and you’ll just bob on , take it easy one day at a time always here if you need a chat Della x

Hello, Neil. My sincerest sympathy with you following your loss.

People grieve in different ways and there is no right or wrong way. I know from personal experience that the death of someone close is always a shock. Even when the death was expected. Even when you know the person has been relieved from further suffering.

Sometimes there is a delay before one realises the full implication of the death. It sounds as though this has happened to you. This is not unusual.

It is good that your sister was so helpful in Mum’s final days. We hear too many stories on this forum of siblings who are no help at all and leave everything to one caring relative. Please don’t feel bad that you were less involved in the final days. You have looked after Mum for a good few years. You have done your bit. Probably the type of care Mum needed in the last days was better provided by others. I appreciate that this may make you feel a bit detached, but don’t feel guilty about it.

And do stay on this Forum for as long as you think you need. We are here to give mutual support.


Sending sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. Mine died 6 years ago but I still miss her but of course the pain is less acute.

Please read the second sentence of your post. You cared for her for years which is what she knew and recognised. In the last few days of your life she may have been cared for by others but the important fact is that she was lucky enough to have been loved and cared for by her nearest and dearest throughout her life. You did everything you could for her and no-one can do any more than their best.

Please use us on the Forum when you need to. Just one practical tip from me when your emotions are in turmoil. Write down everything you need to do, do not rely on your memory. Also, if you can, reach out to those others grieving, you can help each other.

Take care, Anne