My mum had a major stroke in 2019 which has left her paralysed on her left side. Through Covid I got her washed and dressed every day for 5 months. I also got a new job which I work 3 days a week and the other days I take her to appointments and help my dad as he does the majority. I get her dressed for bed every evening. My question is should my mum be helping me financially for doing everything for her. My dad gets carers allowance. I just feel like everything I do is for her my life is on hold as she makes me feel guilty if I don’t go and see her. Am I wrong for expecting something if i try and bring it up she’s says I’m greedy. She is not short of any money just to add. I have a family to support and bills to pay.
The only power mum has over you is the power you let he have.
You do not have to do anything.
She should have carers to help her, so you can look after your family.
Hi Lisa,
Welcome to the Forum.
You’re not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging.
It must be very stressful to have financial worries alongside working, having a family and extra responsibilities in your unpaid caring role.
Carers UK are her to offer unpaid carers advice and guidance surrounding subjects including:
Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
Best Wishes,
Lucy.
Lisa, how old are your parents?
If dad is claiming CA presumably he is below retiring age?
Mum is getting about £150 Personal Independence payment?
That is to pay for the extra cost of her disability, not hoard!
Hello Liza. Normally I would say that accusations of being greedy should be rebuffed. But let’s look through some scenarios from the practical side. It sounds as though your Dad, receiving caring allowance, is the main carer and does his fair bit but appreciates your occasionsal help.
Let us suppose you carried on with your part-time job and your Mum was willing to pay you for her care. You would be better off financially but would still have your life “on hold” because of the care you would be providing. You would still be expected to go and see her, take her to appointments, etc. But - and it’s a big BUT - you would have all the more reason to feel guilty if you chose to decline any aspects of care. You would feel obliged to do more because of the payment you were receiving.
It sounds as though you have asked your Mum for financial reward and it has been declined, hence you have been called greedy. I am not sure it was the best idea to ask Mum directly like this. At any rate, I’d be inclined not to do so again.
But in any case, the request has been refused so the imaginary scenario I have described in my second paragraph does not apply. In a way, Mum has made a decision for you.
You sound as though you are struggling to support your own family. Don’t ignore their needs. The other way to raise more income is to look for full-time work, with career advancement prospects. This would mean you would have less time for Mum, of course, but life would not be on hold. You are entitled to provide for your future and care for your own family. You say your Mum is not short of money. She did not get into that comfortable position by bowing and scraping.
Follow up Bowlingbun’s advice about Personal Independence Payment. If Mum were to receive this, she should be psychologically more amenable to paying for carers, reducing your need for support. Talk things over with Dad too.
I hope this gives you some ideas, at any rate. There are a number of decisions which only you can make. Please keep in touch, and perhaps answer some of the questions you have been asked, so we know your case better.
Mum needs to pay her way in life.
If she doesn’t want to pay you for the care you provide, but still wants you to care for her, then SHE is in the wrong, not you. In fact she’s bullying you!
I know what it is like to put your life on hold for mum.
Too late I realised I was too generous with my time, 30 years of helping, and £20 as a Christmas and birthday present, even when my husband had been made redundant and we were on Income Support.
It took me years to get mum to accept she was disabled and entitled to Disability Living Allowance.
After she died I found that she had given £20,000 of this money to one of my brothers to get him out of a financial hole, although he was earning a lot of money at the time.
The other brother had also had thousands too.
I was at mum’s house, 6 miles away, sometimes twice a day, doing many things for her, many middle of the night emergency calls. My son had severe learning difficulties and I was disabled myself in a car accident in 2006.
The lesson from all of this is to stick up for yourself, If you don’t, no one else will. Don’t be used, as i was.
You are not a child who has to be obedient and do what mum wants, you are an adult with your own home, family, and obligations. They come first.
Hi Lisa, you are certainly not being ‘greedy’! Your parents are taking you for granted, I’m afraid. This is a bit tricky as you’ve already been helping your disabled mum as an unpaid carer for 5 months. You obviously love your mum and dad very much but don’t want to be taken for granted. As things are at the moment you’re giving up a lot of your spare time to help your mum.
I think the solution is to still help your mum but gradually lessen the amount of time you spend caring for her. Spend that precious time doing things you enjoy doing - things that make you happy. I assume you have a partner and children - well if I was you I’d give more time to them and less time to your mum.
If your mum complains to you tell her you are needed at home and she will have to employ outside carers.