Very recent bereavement

Im not sure I’ve chosen the correct topic as I’m not very experienced with forums.
I’ve cared for my mum for around 25 years, although more recently since 2019 she has been in a care home.
Emotionally I’ve really struggled with the caring responsibilities to the point where I’ve thought I’m not sure I can keep up with this.
I’ve now sadly lost my mum following a stroke. It’s early days and I know I’m grieving, but I can’t shake some of these feelings.
Following the stroke she was in what the doctors described as semi consciousness. It was a brainstem stroke of which she wouldn’t recover. But I’m now thinking should I have fought more for her. Instead she was on end of life care for just over a week.
I just feel empty and full of guilt.

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Grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand. If only I had …perhaps…
After my husband died suddenly at 58 from a massive heart attack, these thoughts went round and round and round, but eventually I accepted that nothing I had done would have made any difference.
Caring is very stressful, and it will seem even more stressful now it’s over for a while. Look after yourself, gentle walks, early nights, and learning to relax again will be important in the next few weeks.

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You are in my prayers. Perhaps also attend a grief cafe in order to find strategies that work. Best of luck to you.

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as you have said, you for your Mum for 25 years and found her a place in a care home when she needed a team of carers to provide her with 24/7 care. Please do not feel guilty, but ask yourself what her quality of life would have been if she had survived such a devastating stroke. Instead she slipped away and is now at rest.

Now it’s time to be kind to yourself, to work through your grief and to adjust to a new routine.

Keep posting as others have gone through what you have and can support your through. adjusting to no longing caring


Thank you @bowlingbun and @Melly1
Your replies really are appreciated :heart:
And I’m trying to be kind to myself and think about what I would say to a friend in the same situation but I’m really finding that hard at the moment.
This is the first real loss I think I’ve experienced, other than in childhood which I don’t remember much of.
Thank you so much for being so kind :white_heart:

there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a very personal thing. Do you have family or friends you can reminisce with about your Mum’s life?

When I lost my Dad, I found support from Cruse, helpful:

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Sorry for your loss.
You obviously did all you could for your mum and more.
It’s part of grief sadly to feel you could/ should have done more. I certainly felt that way after my lovely husband died, ( he had strokes vascular dementia and other health issues)
As others have said be kind to yourself, one day at a time and be proud you cared for your mum


I’ve lost all four of our parents, husband, brother and sister in law, I’m now the oldest left at 71. After the service, expect to fall over the Cliff of Tiredness. It’s OK if you just want to sleep and sleep. Just remember to eat. If you can’t be bothered to cook, garden centres do great food!


Thank you @Pet66 It helps to know these feelings are ‘normal’ so to speak, or that others experience the same. :white_heart:

They are normal. Maybe try keeping a diary in addition.

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So sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum Vicky. As the others have said feelings of guilt and “what if” are all too common - we’ve all been there. Console yourself with the thought that she is no longer in pain or distress - now is the time to be thinking of yourself. It will take so me time to get used to your new “normal” but eventually you will be able to look back and remember the good times taking pride in what you did do for your Mum.

Thank you @susieq

I really do appreciate your kind words

I don’t think we realise quite how much running around we do as carers, until it stops. All of a sudden there is nothing to do! I recommend a book by Sarah Litvinoff called Starting Again. Written for anyone after a break up, looking at “where do I go from here?”