After 15 years of caring for my sweet angel mother I am now alone and without purpose.
Im unable to write much else right now.
I hope I can find some help?..
Dee, first a great big (((HUG))) from me.
I too have lost my mum, a few years ago now.
She may not be there in body any more, but she will live on in your heart forever.
Many of us find the silence, the lack of people coming and going, the nothing to do anymore feeling utterly overwhelming.
This is a forum for FORMER as well as current carers, and we are here for you whenever you need us. Just ask whatever you need to.
If you have appointed a funeral director, tell him/her that he needs to tell you what to do, and you will do it. A sort of brain fog will descend on you, I always think this is nature’s way of protecting you, it will lift in time. Meanwhile, carry a little notebook with you and write it all down.
Write down jobs you must do before the funeral, and concentrate only on those.
As soon as you know the date of the funeral, put a notice in the paper with “all enquiries to the funeral director” so you don’t have to deal with any calls.
Everything else can wait.
(((hugs)) from me too.
I too lost my parents many years ago,and my lovely husband in May this year.
Its natural to feel lost and alone.
A notebook is essential ( as Bowlingbuns advice)
The funeral director will help you with each step. They have pamphlets to advise what to do.
Brain fog is normal too.
Please keep in touch as questions will be answered by someone on the forum.
I’m so very sorry- losing your Mum is one of the hardest things any of us will have to go through.
Make sure you try to look after yourself and be kind to yourself whilst everything still feels raw (even if you don’t feel like eating, make sure you stay hydrated).
There are plenty of us here who have been through the loss of a Mum and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say you are absolutely welcome to reach out to any of us for some support, if you want/need to.
The first few weeks are exhausting, time feels like a blur and there’s so much to do- it’s really important to rest when you can and, if you have friends/family then absolutely lean on them for some much-needed comfort and support.
Sending massive hugs to you
I didn’t feel like eating for ages after my husband died.
By the time I’d cooked something in my tiniest saucepans I’d gone off whatever I’d prepared.
In the end, I had something like beans on toast, cheese on toast or a can of soup and toast for a couple of days, and then went to the local garden centre which cooked delicious food that was just waiting for me in casserole form, my favourite sort of food.
If you don’t eat, you are more likely to wake at 3am when everything seems the very worst.
If you cannot sleep at all, get something gentle to help you relax and sleep. You don’t need something to “knock you out” just need to destress so your body can rest.
Your replies are very much appreciated.
WARNING THE FOLLOWING MAYBE PAINFUL TO READ - BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT OF ME.
It’s a rough recolection of the final 12 hours of her life. Aprox 2pm yesterday to 2am this morning.
It was a traumatic experience. She was dying in my arms, twisted up like a rag-doll on the kitchen floor… her lips were blue and her jaw locked shut. Not breathing. I called 999 in a bland panic, not wanting to leave her side. I use a cabled landline and its maybe 15 feet away. i said shes not breathing, her lips are blue, im trying to revive her, please send help… gave our street address and dashed back to her, trying to prop her up so i could attend… she kept slipping thru my arms… i draged her and proped her up against the table and chair legs, screaming at her and hoping for some response… i started slapping her chest and back… and did that breathing thing… my air filled her lungs and would wheeze on the exhale… 999 dispatcher was talking all this time, i couldn’t make out what due to the drama but i cought a few words that drew me away from sustaining or reviving my dying mother and was instructed to stay on the phone and give her more details… minutes had pass since i had spoken, the operator clearly able too hear me screaming “BREATHE!” and doing all I could think to do…
The 999 Operator insisted I stay on the phone with her and not return even as I protested… she asked me for a postcode… i gave it and returned to my mum… desperatly calling for help, for an ambulance… this was maybe 5 mins or more after id first called and gave details and i beleive nothing had been done… i was alone, no abulance was comming i thought. I continued to revive… maybe 5-10 mins later a small first responce unit (car) arived… they told me to stand back, pulled her flat and began to examine her. I returned to the phone to verify contact.
I will write more, there is some light in all this darkess yet to come.
I have not slept more than a few winks at a time. I’m foggy.
D
I’m very sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience.
I too had a dreadful experience after I’d found my husband had died in his sleep.
It won’t comfort you today, but it will in future, to know that you were with mum to the end. Mum wasn’t in a hospital, or in a nursing home, but in her own home, with the daughter who had loved and cared for her so selflessly, for so long. If she was aware of anything, she would have known you were always there for her, right to the end.
Slowly the memories of today will fade, replaced by much better, happier memories, of mum when she was younger.
Just a fact check.
I’m a man. Mother, Son and Dog. That’s our family. None else.
That’s not the end of it… it did finally end in hospital. A private room. All the NHS staff were very kind and considerate.
I was planning to continue with the recallection when I am able.
I’m hurting right now.
I miss her.
I’d have hugged and kissed her a dozen or more times today, any day, every day already.
I tried to treasure evey day inspite of my growing sickness… the anxiety of loosing her.
Thank you for this… it’s helps telling others. There was also some light to come in the growing darkness.
I must apologise for the assumption that you were female, not male!!
The sentiments remain the same though.
You were with mum, and she would have known, and been comforted.
What follows now will be a huge tidal wave or tumble dryer of conflicting feelings. Cry if you want to, and let the emotion out, better out than in. Sometimes tears come later, just keep some tissues handy.
Just read your heart felt post.
I lost my Mother almost a year ago (jan2019) and miss her very much.
I have two dogs and they are a real comfort and delight. I often cry and cry whilst sitting with them.
I hope you and your dog are alright. Best wishes.