The DN was very supportive. She witnessed mum continually shouting me for things which weren’t necessary and I has also tried to convince mum t go into respite without success. The DNs have been told to train family members to change dressings etc themselves as they are so understaffed but she has keep us on fortnightly visits as she’s seen the stress I’m already under.
I do get three 2 hour sits a week but that isn’t helping me rest / sleep which is what I feel I need.
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I’m appreciate your words and understand your point of view but mum refuses to go into a home and social services have said the only way they can force the issue is for me to leave her alone. This is my home too and I’d have nowhere to go - and that’s without the guilt I’d feel if I left her alone and anything happened.
She has emotionally blackmailed me I know - saying she’ll give up and die if I make her go in a home. I’ve told her she’d be more comfortable., I’ve told her I’m at breaking point, I’ve told her she’d be better where she isn’t getting shouted at and can get the care she needs. It isn’t me putting the blocks on.
Thank you for understanding and accepting my words, as they were intended. 
First - have a look at this, an organisation that only asks for admin fee and enables respite stays in hotels in the UK https://carefreespace.org/
second - can you ‘force’ the DN to prepare and plan for care-cover.
Or are you in a position or know of care agenices or hospice care that could support you by covering for a couple of nights?
You are definitely being emotionally blackmailed, you know it, I hear it loudly!!
So, if its not you, then let’s help you find a way to orchestrate a respite incl pushing the GP & DN to get you cover…THEN you can start to deal with the guilt, manage through it for a couple of nights WHILST there is cover for your Mum…she’ll shout or do whatever when you return BUT you need sleep…
BTW just to say EVERY paramedic call out for Dad he threatened to kill himself and we had traumatic arguments, shouts and well a LOT (he had Vascular dementia). I don’t know what the mental state and health is of your Mum but what you said re. her threats, - again in my view - it could be ‘just her character’ - if she’s always been like this, but it could be fear, anxiety, behavioral issues too…
Dad was resilient, soldiered through all his many illnesses through my adult life, but it was the dementia that morphed him into a VERY different person
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Well actually I’m sure that there is a item of legislation which you could use, say that you don’t think you can continue to look after her as you are worn out but also you don’t think she is need of medical help but is beyond your control as you don’t feel safe and giving the right treatment.
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I have to say I agree with Victoria. I do think you need to stress that you are not qualified or able to provide long term 24/7 time and your mother is NOT safe. Surely the NHS has a ‘duty of care’ to both you and your mother. You really has gone the extra mile. I guess ‘they’ consider that your mother has mental capacity’?. Can you challenge this? 3 x hour visits a week is NOT enough and how many hours sleep are you getting a night? Is the house in your mother’s name? Please consider talking to the local Carer’s group. You are being blackmailed emotionally but old people are very selfish. Might be worth stressing to your mother, that if you ‘break’ she will end up in hospital.
Is it worth at least speaking to CAB and/or seeing if there is specialist solicitor who is able to advise on Michael’s point?
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Your mother has very high care needs, and there may well be a simple solution which both Social Services and the doctor should know about. It’s called “NHS Continuing Healthcare”.
If mum qualifies, then all the care she needs would be funded by the NHS, free, EITHER in residential care, OR AT HOME!
Read up about it, and then ask the GP to arrange an URGENT ASSESSMENT
.
If you have a breakdown or walked out, mum would have no option but to move into residential care.
Sadly, like many other old people, she has become entirely self focussed. I knew that this could happen but when it did, to my own mum, her expectations of what I could and should do were so unkind, especially when I was disabled myself, caring for a brain damaged child, and my only income relied of selling some of my late husband’s stock of 30 tons of vintage lorry spares.
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Baby steps but I’ve just registered with Carefree - I’d never heard of them so thank you. 
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@Milev1 It’s a very new organisation, but having spoken with the the lady who set it up, and seen a review from 1 carer I’m hope it will grow. It seems like a no-brainer to have empty hotel rooms offered to carers who need respite,- I was impressed by the work they’re doing to get the offering out to Carers.
@bowlingbun and @selinakylie make some compelling points…
keep us posted but also leverage all our experiences if you need ‘how can I say this so they listen’ advice or ‘what order do I do things’.
We can help you make those Baby steps AND ensure they land with impact onto the heads of the people that you need to help you 
Hope you can orchestrate a respite
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poor you. I feel for you. Do you have any other relatives who can help you out?i used to look after my late Father for many years, sadly he was a drinker. & was scared that we would walk out on him. You need a break & i hope you will be able to reach out for help. Dont give up
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It’s time to start thinking more positively about your role. I used to feel permanently guilty that I was never doing enough, until I had counselling. This taught me to feel proud of what I was doing not guilty about what I wasn’t. Please stop punishing yourself. Without you mum would have had no other option but to move into residential years ago. At very least mum needs someone coming in daily to do some domestic chores so you can rest or go out.
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You’re right, I know. I do struggle with the guilt even though I KNOW mum would be in a home had I not done everything I have.
I really do appreciate everything everyone is saying and I am taking it on board. I’m trying not to wallow and get on with taking some action. Thank you.
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Oh Milev
I could not have managed in your position.
I feel I would have become unwell.
I hope you can take all this advice and get a well earned rest.
You have shown huge strength.
Warmest wishes Ula