Getting help for self neglect

Can anyone suggest some advice. I am having some issues with my mum who is not attending her appointments and is being very selective with answering her phone. I am getting numerous phone calls throughout the day that say my mum is not attending her appointments and they are going to discharge her if she doesn’t answer them back. I am getting sick of it and it is making me really sick. I am having panic attacks and I just want to walk away. I am not my mothers keeper, yet they keep saying “oh well, she has capacity”. I don’t understand in anyway how she has capacity, she is refusing to eat, attend her appointments, clean the house, wash. I can’t do this anymore.

A social worker has suggested carers, but she thinks all carers are evil thanks to my abusive aunt who doesn’t want to see her actions uncovered. A social worker will be going round on Tuesday to discuss this.

Her phone is now broken, so I can’t get in touch with her neither can services. I get it in the neck constantly. People are trying to send letters, knock on the door, yet she won’t correspond at all. She is not in when I go around as she is going off on her own. Yet services seem to think I have this magical telepathic device I can use.

I also cannot move into the house with her because it is a death trap.

I have rung and rung services but they say she has capacity.

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If they think she has capacity why are they ringing you???
When did a health visitor or similar last visit?

Does she have a social worker or is she under a mental health professional? If so, each time someone rings you about her - give them their number.

And that is just the nail on the head right there. Mental health teams called me earlier to say that she had missed an appointment. I was trying to explain to them what was going on.

She has a social worker yes. The social worker is trying to get carers involved but she is very reluctant.

Therefore, each time someone contacts you about her missing an appointment give them the social workers contact details.

For your own well-being, leave it to them.

Try contacting the social worker again tomorrow to chase things up. Send a email or call her in the morning in order to explain the situation and discuss treatment options. Keep also a diary of incidents.

Yea I will be fine if they stopped doing this. I don’t mind being a point of contact but as bowling bun said why contact me if she has capacity l.

The trouble is mum is struggling badly but she doesn’t trust carers coming in.

Perhaps a personal assistant can do the trick.

@Coolcar98 They cannot have it both ways, either your Mum has capacity and the ability to make her own decisions (even if they are the ‘wrong ones’ and decisions which others do not agree with), or she doesn’t have capacity, in which case someone should be acting as advocate on her behalf.

Has your Mother had a capacity / mental health assessment? That should provide some answers. Unfortunately it cannot be forced upon someone who doesn’t want it, unless they are perceived to be a danger to themselves or others. Her GP or local mental health team would be a good first port of call.

Thanks. I think there is a lot of ableism attached to how people see mum combined with a difficult case of mental health.

In theory yes mum should be able to do all the things to function normally with some limitations due to physical disabilities. That makes sense.

But then it gets difficult and blurred. Things she can’t do or things she doesn’t understand are getting blamed on mental health problems, but that is not the case. She can’t pay the rent because she doesn’t know how to and doesn’t seem able to learn. It is not mental health which stops her in this situation.

However, I do think mental health is stopping her performing other things. The two have combined and have escalated so mums ability to do things is a mixture of she can’t do it because she doesn’t know how and she won’t do it because of mental health. It’s a nightmare.

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And for your own sanity, this is for the professionals, not you, to unpick.


Sometimes there can be cognitive dysfunction without there being an actual ‘mental health’ problem; but that is up to the medical professionals to figure out, not you.

I appreciate it is incredibly difficult being a carer who wants the best for their caree, yet at the same time acknowledging the impact it is having on your own health and wellbeing.

As difficult as it is, there comes a point where you need to acknowledge that you have to take a step back and look after yourself first. We can’t look after others if we don’t look after ourselves.


Yeah it is so hard. She definitely has something.

So the social worker went around today. Mum has accepted the help of a carer and will be getting a personal assistant. I hope it helps.

I am kind of worried still though. Like I’m worried about my aunt putting her claws into my mums care. She doesn’t like carers and has bullied them in the past.

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Good luck. Hopefully it will be fine

This is something SSD should be aware of, and pass on to the new PA.