Life after Caring

I only realised today that membership is still open to former carers.

I lost my darling husband just after New Year. It was unexpected - a heart attack took him in the end. It happened during the night, and I wouldn’t wish the experience of dealing with Police Scotland (because of the ‘unexpected death’ - he was 82 and a stroke survivor with numerous other problems - on anyone.

I wasn’t allowed to kiss my husband goodbye on the lips and the police were here for hours.

Then I had to cope with organising his funeral with all the restrictions appertaining to Covid.

As other carers have found, I now feel that I’m utterly on my own. I have no children and my social circle dwindled the longer I was a carer - first for my parents and then for my husband.

I did get numerous phone calls from relatives in the beginning (including my husband’s grown up children). These have petered out. His kids and grown-up grandchild didn’t make it to the funeral - they watched online and have spoken about holding some kind of commemoration and/or wake later on. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I was having difficulty in looking after my husband at times, but I wish to God he were still here. I could just have done with a bit of support and a break from time to time. I keep wishing I had done more for my darling.

I guess I’ll get there in the end - I have no other option - but the world seems such an empty place. I’m not looking for answers…I just needed to say this.

Hi & welcome Marisha

Firstly, condolences for loss of your husband.

‘unexpected death’

I don’t think there enough spoken about what the proceeds can be. Perhaps that’s something Carers UK could look at. Or maybe there is info somewhere on the site and am unaware of. I know them through previous employments of working in different care settings. If people are under end of life care plans. And die at home there are still formalities but you would be for warned. What to expect from authorities.

I wasn’t allowed to kiss my husband goodbye on the lips and the police were here for hours

How distressing for you It’s the one last thing we can do. And to not have that choice I so sympathize. Your husband knew you loved him keep that in your mind.

funeral with all the restrictions

I can only image how difficult this was for you. And I am sorry you were on your own.

I now feel that I’m utterly on my own

You are no longer on your own. You are here and here is a good place. There are support groups across the country who also support previous carers. It is widely recognized carers need help and support once their caring role has stopped. And especially when it has been sudden.

commemoration and/or wake later on

Don’t feel pressured into making this decision. If you don’t feel ready want too.
Perhaps it’s the extended family time to step up.

Hello Marisha
So sorry for your loss.
My lovely husband passed away May 2019 just after his 74th birthday. I too had moments of feeling I hadn’t done enough for him. In my heart I’m sure I couldn’t have done anymore.
People say time is a healer. I’m not convinced of that, but time helps with adjustment. It’s such early days for you. Keep posting if you feel you can, it helps.
I wouldn’t worry about a get together yet. You will know, when it’s allowed, whether you want to or not.

Hi Marisha,

welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of your loss.

All losses are difficult to deal with, but unexpected ones deny us of the chance to say goodbye. This was the same for me and my family as my Dad died in a house fire.

Cruse offer support to those who have lost someone and they prioritise those where a sudden death occurred I used their email service as I was still caring for S. It helped me as my family live down South so I missed out meeting up to reminisce and talk about it all.


I was widowed 15 years ago when I was just 54, my husband had a heart attack in his sleep. He’d been fidgeting a lot in bed so I had gone to sleep in the spare bedroom. I found him, cold, next morning. It’s been difficult,but I no have a new, lonelier life, but lots of happy memories. Us anyone mentioned the Way Up forum to you. Very helpful, I urge everyone to join who is newly widowed.

Thank you. Appreciated.

I’m so sorry.

Thank you - I’ll have a look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

On Way Up, we all agreed that 6 months after being widowed was a very low point, the Widow Fog has lifted, the paperwork more or less done, and then you wonder what to do now. Be kind to yourself and try not to put any pressure on yourself.

Hello Marisha, I too only just realised I can remain a member although I have lost my husband. My circumstances are very similar to yours, sometimes I think there is no one else out there who doesn’t have children. Support does drop off but maybe that’s partly because we were quite self contained so didn’t have regular contact with other people. I was a member of the U3A and met some lovely people and I shall rejoin this September and see how it goes. I too struggled with caring because although we had a couple of two hour ‘sits’ a week, I provided all the personal care as neither of us could contemplate anything else but it was tough at times. Although he was unwell, my darling husband’s sense of humour was unique and his smile captivating. He was also a great conversationalist and I miss that desperately. People said ‘you’ll always have your memories’ and I thought, I don’t want memories I want him, but nine months later I realise that memories are indeed a huge comfort. I didn’t want to be in this club and I certainly wasn’t ready but then maybe we never are. My thoughts are with you and thank you for sharing because by doing so, you are comforting others, truly, Linda

Hi Marisha,

So sorry for your loss.

Things will get better with time. One day you will wake up and you won’t think about him for a full day and you will feel awful for it but time is a great healer. Cherish the happy times you had together.

If you have any hobbies, maybe try and get back into doing them? Any friends from the past you could reach out to?

Keep posting on here as there are some lovely people who will have lots of advice and tips. They already have previous to my reply.

Good luck.