At the end of my patience

My Step day died on Jan 5th he was main carer for my Mum, my mum is disabled after 5 strokes but is still able to get about, make a cup of tea and her food albeit a microwave, have a shower etc etc.

I work full time, have a bipolar daughter with 2 kids and my own home and a dog and two cats.

My mum is extremely verbally aggressive to me as she feels I am not doing enough I stay over one night a week from 8pm until 7am, my 2 brothers and my sister are also helping out, my brother has packed in his job and is being her main carer…

I also have the Grandkids overnight twice a week to take pressure off my daughter.

None of my siblings work, only I am full time employed.

I have been off sick for 6 weeks after a knee op I have been at Mum’s at least twice a week overnight, I have to go early 7am as my dog is very anxious and poo’s and pee’s everywhere and tears things up.

My Mum and the siblings are constantly making decisions without me and don’t even tell me, I feel excluded as they all feel I don’t care and I am not doing enough.
Mum rings me up and shouts and screams at me, she thinks i should only care for her, leave my dog for hours on end and not have my Grandkids… I feel forced to go round and stay even though she sleeps right through and never needs us.
She said she is afraid of falling.
My Mum is a very heavy smoker, the house smells bad all the time, the bedroom I sleep in smells of smoke all the time, I get so anxious while I am there, I had a breast cancer scare so I really do not want to passively smoke.
I beg her not to smoke when I am there but she said her house her rules…

She also constantly makes derogatory remarks about my daughter and my Grandchildren and said my dog… “Is just a dog”.

I feel so angry and low

I don’t know what to do.


Your mum sounds like she can manage without you, as you say “she sleeps right through and never needs us”

She doesn’t need you but wants you, scared of being on her own, scared of falling.

But it is not your job to care for her, you sounds like you have enough on your plate already.

And shouting and screaming at you on the phone, she clearly doesn’t love or care for you, wrapped up in her own problems.

Let your brother and sisters take the strain for a while, you need to rest and recuperate and cannot care if you are off sick.

It is just not your job to care for her and shouting and screaming, making derogatory comments that’s just nasty.

Your mum should be nice and appreciate your help and support.

Get an answer machine so your mum can rant and rave to that, you don’t have to answer the phone and be at her beck and call all the time, you have your own life to lead.

Time for you to take control, everyone one else is treating you as if you are a puppet on a string, being used by your entire family.
Don’t wait any longer for other to consider you, your health, your needs. It’s never going to happen.
I know how sad that is. Looking back on my life, I realised that I was also used, until I had life changing counselling.
If mum shouts at you down the phone, record some of it, and then say “I don’t have to listen to this” and put the phone down. There’s nothing to stop you blocking her number, or anyone else, it’s your life.
If she abuses you when you go round, again, say "I’m not going to stay if I’m not appreciated, put your coat on, and leave.
If she is worried about falling, there’s a simple answer. She has a Lifeline pendant from the council, who can then call an ambulance. It doesn’t have to involve you.
Don’t stay round there any more. If mum want someone there at night, it has to be someone else.
I know she will kick off, like an elderly toddler, expect tantrums, pretend illnesses.
Either she accepts care from Social Services after a Needs Assessment, or the rest of the family step in.
Finally, but not least, how are your knees?
I’ve had an arthroscopy and two knee replacements, following a very serious car accident.
our top priority must be going for gentle walks and building up their strength again.
Enjoy the grandkids, they grow up so quickly.
Don’t fall into the trap of having to justify anything, i.e. “I can’t because…”. The fact you have made the decision about your life is enough, because it is YOUR life that matters.

Take control, and you will feel so much better.

I needed to hear this.
I feel so guilty as she has always been so good to me, I offered her a home with me, with my pets and my Grandkids visiting and she said no, as it was on condition she stopped smoking, she puts the smoking above all of us…
I want only what’s best for her, I really do. I just cannot stand the snidey remarks and comments and the examining of what I do with my time.
My knee is getting better though still a lot of pain, I have not had rest to be honest with all the extra baby sitting and looking after Mum.
I have been feeling very depressed about how she is treating me, I have a lot on my plate, I am back at work on the 15th and I told her I won’t be able to stay any more as I am at work mon thru fri then fri night have the Grandkids overnight and sat afternoon and sun are my rest days… she blew her top… wants me to stop seeing the kids… (I love them to death they make me so happy) I can’t understand why she hates my Grandchildren so much and my dog…
I told her last time I saw her I would not be taking the shouting and pressure to stay more in no uncertain terms, I then also said I won’t speak any more so you can’t twist my words to the rest of them. I spent the rest of the evening in silence and left before she got up so we didn’t clash.
This is not how I thought it would be, I thought she would spend time at my house, I even got her a commode, we could go for walks, spend time with my Gkids… etc… but no, she just wants me at her house (even hides the remote so I can’t watch TV) and makes me sit there…
I have not done a lot as my knee has been too painful but the other’s she has cleaning the house from top to bottom…
We are not even allowed to mess up a cushion your sitting on…
It’s so stressful, I get that she is scared, anxious etc but she won’t let any care come into the home, she just wants us to do it. She will not even spend a minute alone, if you leave her she rings someone up hysterical…
I am so depressed with it all…

You don’t have to do any of this ANY more. Hiding the remote? She’s treating you like a naughty child. Prove that you are not and leave.

Did you have a full knee replacement?
ALL your family need to leave you alone to put it up, rest it, go for walks and rest again.
Having the grandkids overnight isn’t helping either!!!
I get that the parents enjoy a night off, but really they should manage without to let you get better. After 6 months, it won’t improve. You’ve lost a month already. Are you exercising it, bending etc.?
Whatever it’s like in 5 months time is what it will be like for the rest of your life.
Just for once, put yourself first.

Hello Julie and welcome to our forum, its sounds like you are having a really difficult time at the moment. You’ve come to the right place to get helpful tips and advice from other carers.

We also run a weekly Care for a cuppa online zoom meet up for carers, every Monday afternoon at 3pm for an hour. Many people have said how helpful they’ve found the sessions, it’s a chance for carers to come together and just chat in a small group, exchange tips and be there for each other.

There’s no pressure to share anything but you might find it a good place to talk to others who understand. I’ve attached a link for you so you can have a look and see if you would like to come along.

with best wishes

Yes, things are really tough, because I can’t sleep once a week at Mum’s due to working full time, babysitting over night for my daughter, my own things I need to do, Mum is not speaking to me and just shouts and screams at me when I call, I wanted to visit a few evenings a week, give her her dinner, sit with her until 10pm but she said she is too hurt because I won’t sleep overnight, so I am now an outcast…
I am really upset as this is not how I hoped things would be, I warned her once I was back at work I couldn’t sleep overnight as I only get 1.5 days at the weekend to do all my things for my own home and fur family.
I am broken hearted as I really didn’t want things to go this way… I feel like I am being punished if I don’t do as I am told and I am a bit old for that.

She is behaving like an “elderly toddler” having a tantrum.
Please don’t be upset, this is absolutely to be expected.
Enjoy your freedom, you deserve it.