Just can’t do this anymore

Once again mum is threatening suicide. I just can’t keep listening to it. I can’t keep being her admin assistant.

I am also very worried about her personal assistant. She has been allocated one, but the man isn’t English. I don’t mean that in a rude way at all, I just worry that he won’t be able to communicate with my mum in the ways she needs. I had explained to the social worker that she has complex communication problems, which she noted. I’m sure the guy is very nice, however he had a hard time understanding me on the phone, so I worry about how he will understand mum. I am quite well spoken, but she has a very thick accent of the area.

I don’t mean any disrespect, but when we spoke on the phone. He asked if he had the right address. He could not say the name of the street correctly despite it being named after a well known U.K. city. The reason I worry about this is because part of the care package was to help mum with maintaining stuff and helping her with appointments. I don’t understand how they can help her when they can’t get the name of the street correctly. If he was helping with basic stuff then I would understand, but communication is kind of key here.

Mum has also spoken to him, and she said she could not understand him either. The previous social worker was well aware that she has issues with communication, and she helped really spell things out to mum and explain it in terms she could understand.

She is also concerned with him being a man, as she feels she needs a woman to understand her as she has previously been abused.

Above all I just feel done really. I can’t do no more. I don’t know what there is to do. She is just about on the waiting list for the assisted living accommodation, so it’s just a waiting game now.

It’s just not right that people who can barely speak English are employed in the caring or medical professions where it is vital that each party can understand each other.

When my poor old Dad was very ill in hospital there were a couple of members of staff, one a doctor and one a nurse who he just could not understand. I tried to help out when I was there and I was put in a very embarrassing position because I had to keep asking that they repeat themselves. I am sure it was also embarrassing for them.

My Dad would never offend anybody and I asked him how he coped when I wasn’t there and he said he just said “yes” to everything they said.

I would speak to your LA (presumably they help you to find a PA ) for your Mum and say it isn’t working out and you need to get a PA with good English.

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Precisely. It has been written in her assessment that she has a hard time understanding things. Even I struggle to communicate with her sometimes and I have qualifications in English and work in the media. The previous social worker was quite understanding with all that, she really took her time with my mum.

However since mums changed hands, they have not taken things into consideration. They have told us incorrect information sending us both into panic.

I also think that since a lot of her needs are mental health based communication is of the essence.

I also just don’t think it’s appropriate for her to have a man as her PA, we were sold on the idea that the PA can help her in the community and help her get her confidence back. Since she has been abused by men, she says she wants a woman.

My daughter will only have female PAs and Support Workers. We told them at the outset.

Coolcar, I agree it’s not appropriate for your Mum to have a male TA with her history. Is the PA a council employee or a PA or from an agency?

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Perhaps call a meeting with them in order to discuss your concerns and ask for a new one. I am toying with the idea of hiring a female live out carer myself and I want ideas on things to discuss at the hiring interview. I used to use a care agency before however I had so many issues with them so I called them one day to tell them I wanted a break.

Dear Coolcar98,

Thank you for your post in Carers Connect. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. We have sent you a response.

Hope this is helpful.

With good wishes,