I’m new here so apologies if this is long winded - I just need to get it off my chest!!
I’m 27 years and a single mum with a 4 year old little boy. Pre-covid I worked full time in senior sales & marketing management and earned really well. My little boy was in full time nursery and my Mum supported in between me leaving from and coming home from work. Just before the virus hit I had just moved into my new dream home in a beautiful village and was ready to start building my life …
Then covid hit and like everyone, I was furloughed from my job and lost the equivalent to £20,000 a year overnight - mainly because my income was bulked up by commissions and bonuses. I had my little boy at home and significant bills to pay with a huge decline in income … so I was already stressed
Fast forward some time, in early November my Dad was rushed to hospital with what we thought was a heart attack. He lived alone and was taken by ambulance from his house) no partner and no other kids). The same day he was discharged with ‘further tests pending’. I couldn’t let him go home, so I brought him back to my home. It’s important to note that my Dad had been suffering with horrendous pain and severe mobility issues for about a year prior to this and had recently recovered from lung cancer … but we had been told numerous times it was arthritis.
Turns out my Dad has terminal lung cancer with bone metastasis. The day after his discharge I was delivered the news over the phone. His prognosis was 2-6 months. It was a horrendous time… I had my Dad, my son and a home to look after alongside a full time job which I was working from home through the night. He was discharged from hospital twice with no OT, no physio assessment, no equipment, no care package and no insight into his condition. The consultant later called them unsafe discharges. I had to spend weeks on the phone fighting for support, a district nurses referral, a social care referral - I literally had nothing.
After a few weeks he was taken to hospital and spent 6-weeks in hospital and hospice. In that time he caught covid, broke his pelvis and his femur and had a spout of delirium. I still had my little boy at home, was working a full time job and spent every spare second I could dropping and picking things up from the hospital and on the phone.
Fast forward to today … he is back with me. He’s situated in my lounge and suffers with a serious lack of mobility (can transfer from a bed to a wheelchair and back again), very bad pain and he’s very sleepy. He needs washing, dressing, meals cooking, drinks making, administrative and financial affairs taking care of, appointments transport, bed making, cleaning and chores etc. He also struggles to grasp things so coffee, tea, sugar etc. Is spilt over carpets, walls and beds at least 3-5 times a day. He’s demanding without meaning to be, refuses any help from carers, and is almost always fine when the nurses come … it’s when they’re not here that the pain gets worse and the expectations get more.
I’ve had to leave my job to care for my Dad - I just couldn’t physically do it anymore. I’m working freelance projects to keep the bills paid and I still have my son at home. I’m trying so hard but there just aren’t enough hours in the day… everything is getting harder and harder to physically and mentally manage.
I feel guilty that my son is not getting the attention he needs, stressed about finding hours in the day to earn an income, physically tired (I’m running on about 4 hours sleep a night), stunted … like my life has stopped, trapped because I just can’t escape it … I feel like my house has been taken over. My life is paused. I can’t help but feel terrible for even feeling like this. I hate mess, I hate untidiness … I spend my life cleaning split coffees, stained bedding, pots and cups… I’m storing things that I don’t have room to store. The phone never stops ringing and people never stop coming in and out of my house to see him … I’m just exhausted.
Please tell me I’m not a horrible person - I just don’t know how to adapt to this huge change in my life