Hello fellow carers,
What a year we have been through, eh? I look forward to getting to know and chatting with you all. None of my friends have been in my situation, so they don’t really understand fully what it is like. I seem to have written way too much about myself so will put it under the dotted line – don’t feel you have to wade through! But if you are interested, this is where I am at.
Cheers,
Rhonda
A few years ago I left my job in England to live closer to Mum and Dad in Northern Ireland because, although my brother lived two miles from them, his wife had fallen out with my Mum and they barely saw him. My move was well meaning but ill thought out. The idea was to stay with them while job hunting and then get a place of my own. I had a road accident shortly after returning, and was left with injuries which took a long time to get over. During that time, I took on a part-time office job, to tide me over but ended up staying with my parents.
They got increasingly dependent on me, Dad had started having falls, Mum’s COPD got much worse and it made it harder for me to leave. I was about to sign up for a little flat near them though when the whole Covid thing kicked off and I got furloughed and made the tough decision to stay with them, as I didn’t see how they would manage without me there. Mum had a few TIAs which left her with memory gaps, she said very mean things at times and was generally quite contrary. Although I loved her, it was quite mentally draining through lockdown. Her hands were too weak to administer her own inhalers so her care started at 7am and lasted throughout the day until 10pm. For the last few months she was incontinent and it was relentless.
Despite her general ill health, Mum died very suddenly in August, after a period of being much improved, which was a big shock and a few weeks later Dad had a stroke. He refused all forms of help when he came out of hospital, even physio, as I was there to look after him. I spoke to a social worker and tried to get her to see that I was struggling with my mental health at that stage but because Dad said he was fine, they just discharged him and ignored me. It is now just assumed that I will do everything!
His right side is weak, his swallowing not the best sometimes and his speech is affected. He can still dress himself and toilet etc though. He is great for a 91 year old! However his behaviour has changed. I suspected he was in the early stages of dementia before Mum died, but now his memory has taken a dive, and his behaviour can be very out of character at times. Just the way Mummy went….Daddy was always a very quiet, man, never a harsh word to anyone – but now he follows me around the house, shouts at me if I do something he doesn’t think I should be doing (he treats me like a little child again and I am 51!) He wants constant company and he sulks if I go to my room for half an hour to watch some TV (he doesn’t watch TV or listen to the radio – just sits in silence looking out the window). If he thinks I am not listening to him, he shouts at me, but doesn’t listen himself and frequently starts talking to me in the middle of one of my sentences to him…If I try to read a book he constantly interrupts. We have the same conversations many times a day, every day.
I go out about once every fortnight for a couple of hours to socially distance walk with a small group of friends and Dad sulks and tries to make me feel guilty for going out without him! My brother is still working and pops by the window once a week after work for a few minutes, tells us what he thinks we should be doing, and then flies away as quickly as possible. He never comes by at a weekend….we didn’t even see him at Christmas.
I was speaking to my sis-in-law and she wished me a better year this year, after telling me what a lovely Christmas they had had and I just cracked. I had been keeping quiet about their lack of support, but I told her that my year would be better if my brother provided more support to his dad after he gets his vaccine, e.g. have him out for a meal, take him out for a drive, maybe help him in the garden - which would help me get a break from time to time. She went ballistic, called me selfish for wanting a break, said there was nothing they could do in this pandemic and how upset she was by my suggestions, and ended the conversation…didn’t want to discuss it again…OTT reaction and such a brick wall!….
I love my Dad and want to support him to live at home, which is all he wants, but I never intended to be a full time live-in unpaid carer, it just kind of happened. I know he is still grieving, and I think he may be depressed, but am not sure how much of his
behaviour change is a lasting effect of his stroke. My Dad point blank refuses to have any strangers look after him, won’t speak to the doctor about his mood and I am emotionally drained. I haven’t really been able to grieve properly for Mum as I need to keep a brave face for Dad, and I just feel exhausted and isolated. I haven’t seen my own ‘children’ in over a year as they both live in England. The last time I had a full day to myself was in February last year! When I get taken off furlough, it is going to be very difficult to juggle work and Dad and I don’t want to give up work entirely!
Sorry for the long ramble. It actually made me feel a bit better getting it written down and out of my head though! I feel so isolated right now and let down that my brother has proved to be so little support. I guess I just need to toughen up and insist on having some ‘me time’ and brave the sulks and manipulative behaviour. I wanted to spend some quality time together with my Dad and make his later life comfortable, but I am not sure I can do this much longer at such a toll on my own health and having no life myself! So, currently trying to work out how to balance my quality of life with caring for Dad…it ain’t easy!