I've just arrived and would love a chat

Like a lot of others here, I feel very depressed and alone - abandoned. I’m the sole unpaid carer to my partner who has cancer, with recent unsuccessful heart surgery and multiple other ‘things going wrong’, all with no diagnosis. We met 4 years ago - the time the cancer struck, since then he’s moved in with me because every day his health is deterioriating and he can no longer do anything for himself. I have no help.

The reason I’ve come here is for sanctuary. I feel so guilty at my feelings of resentment towards him…he’s ill and depressed and sometimes I’m finding it hard to feel any pity for him, only anger. It’s impossible to confess my secret feelings to others, I’m not supposed to feel like this, I’m his rock, but this rock’s crumbling. Some days it’s okay but the overwhelming fear of our future together are becoming more frequent. Can anyone identify? please chat to me :slight_smile:

Hi Polly, welcome to the forum.
You sound very tired and very trapped, fearful for the future.
I don’t understand why you and your partner are not getting ANY help?!

How much care does he need now?
How advanced is the cancer?
Do you have Power of Attorney for him?

I’ve supported many family members in their last years, in various ways, but they were in their own homes.

Write down everything that you are struggling with right now, and then shuffle it into priority order, and tell us the three things at the top of your list.
DO you want him to move into residential care, need a hospital bed, need some sleep, anything you like.

Stop trying to be Superwoman, start yelling Help!

Hi Polly

You do sound very stressed and exhausted. Caring is so very lonely and isolating. Do you have a local Carers Group? If you cannot get to meetings, there may be an option to have a telephone befriender. They have often been carers themselves and do understand.

I can relate to your feelings for your husband. Mine is much older myself and is non medically compliant and at times, I truly dislike him. I think your feelings are normal. I know others will respond and may be able to point you in the right direction to getting some support and help, but I did not want you to feel alone. There are many of us here who can relate and empathise to what you have posted.

Hi Polly

What your are experiencing is totally normal and understandable. You are allowed to feel this way. But there are solutions and many problems can be fixed. It just depends what result/s you are seeking.

If there was a magic wand what would you do with it.

Hi Polly

Carers UK have two regular online sessions that you might be interested in, the details are here:



Thank you for your responses.

Prioritising is a great help, as in my head I’m going round in circles not knowing what to do. Firstly, I need a break from us constantly being with each other, even a weekend away from this situation would be wonderful. Secondly I need a diagnosis of his illness, knowing the enemy I’m fighting will make it easier, and thirdly I need someone to share my rollercoaster of emotions with - hopefully this forum will help with that.

I need to talk to his GP but don’t think I can because of patient confidentiality. His cancer is in remission but the medication for it affects him badly. I hear him talking to the doctor and he’s not telling the truth about what his health is really like (‘I’m feeling a lot better today doctor’ - no he isn’t!) he hasn’t had a face to face appointment with his GP for over four months and the symptoms he has need to be seen. He takes everything out on me and now I’m too worn out to cope with it anymore and feel like telling him to go - but where? He has a family who aren’t coming forward to help - some for good reason, others not. I do not have power of Attorney. Sorry, moaning too much :frowning:

Dear Polly,
Don’t think of it as moaning, it’s a plea for help. Most people find the forum when they are desperate for help, I’m sure I did!

My mum was very disabled, housebound for years.
Dad cared for her, so when dad developed cancer I knew it meant I’d be left to deal with mum. My mum in law had alzheimers, father in law was also unwell, and we had a brain damaged son to look after, and a business to run!
Dad’s doctor refused to tell me how ill dad was, so I rang what is now the MacMillan helpline.
They asked me what dad’s symptoms were, and told me that from the information I’d given them, they thought dad had about 6 months left. (They were just 2 weeks out).
I then went back to the GP, who said he would talk “generally” about people like dad.
I suggest that you do the same as I did.

Write down all they symptoms, give them to the helpline, but also write them down and post them to your husband’s GP and consultant. Men are their own worst enemies as far as health is concerned. Had my husband been honest with his GP I probably wouldn’t be a widow!

“He takes everything out on me”. NOT acceptable.
Be clear and honest. He has to stop doing this or you will ask him to leave. Where he goes is his decision to make, not yours.
You are not to blame for the illness and not to be punished for it either.

How old is he?
Does he contribute equally to household costs etc.?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance or PIP?
Do you have help in the home? A dishwasher? Tumble dryer?
ANY dedicated “me” time when you can go out on your own for as long as you want?

Is there a hospice near you?
Ours was wonderful helping dad, they supported him for months in the community and said when it was time for him to move in when he was near the end.
They supported mum too. Supporting relatives is so important.

Ultimately, NO ONE can be forced to care.

If your partner has the expectations you are going to provide him with levels of his care. He should give you access to his G.P. which he can by signing a form at the surgery giving you permission to discuss his medical issues.