I've become a former carer.....

Hello all,

Just to say that I have become a ‘former carer’ officially now.

I haven’t mentioned this as yet, as I was coming to terms with it, plus all the practicalities, (funeral etc), but my poor beleaguered mother in law died last month.

She eased from life very ‘gently’ and I am so glad of that, and there was time for my son and myself to reach her at her care home in the west country, so that was ‘good and right’. There was no time for her son to fly over from the USA, and again, I am glad of that - how dreadful to be crossing the Atlantic wondering whether you will arrive ‘in time’.

The end came faster than I had possibly imagined. I would NEVER have thought she would have deterioriated so quickly, so ‘unexpectedly’, but such it is. Her poor body and mind had taken more than enough, and I think she was just ‘calling it quits’.

As ever, there is the ‘paperwork of death’ as I call the immediate aftermath, and it takes time and focus.

But the funeral has gone ‘beautifully’. Her son came over, and we all met up in Scotland, and my MIL is now laid to rest with her husband, and her inlaws, in the ‘family plot’. She’s had to go thirty years without her husband, and now, finally, they are reunited. A little of her older son’s ashes are with them both too, and of that I am really glad.

As many funerals are, it was a ‘healing time’ for all of us, and good ‘family time’. We spent several days in Scotland, and visited former homes and ‘special places’ and so on, and did a lot of talking, and I’d brought up a suitcase of photos and memorabilia, which we went through, evoking many many memories…

Now we are all back home in our respective lives, and things seem ‘strange’ - yet, at the same time, the one ‘blessing’ of dementia is that the ‘real person’ who my MIL was has not been here for quite some time, so the ‘loss’ in a way has already mostly happened.

I know I shall find it ‘strange’ when I am next in the west country (my brother lives there, and I’ve been visiting often because of MIL), to ‘remember’ that she is no longer in her care home.

I’m sure, in my heart, she was glad to leave (however good the care and it WAS good, and I am VERY thankful for it, to all the staff). When she was mobile she was always trying to ‘escape’…and now she has.

She’s ‘back home’ with her husband, her older son, her parents, and her in-laws. And I hope she’s having a wonderful, WONDERFUL time! All her ordeal is over. :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

I also wanted to thank all of your here for ‘standing by me’ all these years since I first arrived on the forum, almost ‘insane with stress’ (I was caring for her myself at that time, and almost collapsing with it), and to say a HUGE HUGE HUGE ‘thank you’ for all the sympathy and support I’ve received here.


Kindest wishes, Jenny x

(((HUGS))) Jenny. It will take a long time to adjust to your new situation. Good to hear that she is now at rest with her husband, and the service etc. went well.

Best wishes for the future, Jenny. I’m sorry for all you have been through and hope the relief outweighs the sadness.

Sorry to hear this Jenny but, as you know, MiL is now at peace.

As much as we don’t want our loved ones to leave us there comes a time when we know it’s a blessed relief for them to ‘let go’ and leave us.

Sorry to hear about your loss.
Kind regards

Dear Jenny

I’m sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mother-in-law.

Good wishes from us all at Carers UK


I’m sad and relieved for you. I know you will understand what I mean.
It’s lovely that you believe she is at peace now, and with loved ones. ( I do too)
Take care

I am so pleased that both of you are now at peace, if you take my meaning!
Many mothers in law would be pleased to have such a daughter in law, and I hope her son was dutifully grateful to you for all you did for her.
Like you, in dementia cases, I do think we grieve for the loss of the person long before their body finally gives up.
Thank you for your account of the funeral and process, I think it will help many others


Hi Jenny
I’m sorry to hear you have lost your Mother in law after such a long illness. I know you will have many good memories to hold on to and a sense of relief that the indignity of dementia is behind her and she is now at peace. She was a very lucky lady to have such a caring DIL. Sending you hugs

My condolences on your loss - or, as you suggest, a final loss after the cruelty of your Mother-in-Law’s ilness.

Than you, too, for using your experience of everything you did for her to help those of us who have arrived on this site more recently.

Thank you everyone!

Yes, it was sad, but ‘necessary’ in that her quality of life had really shrunk and shrunk and shrunk and that hackneyed phrase ‘a merciful release’ was truly apt.

I can’t be ‘glad’ she is dead ,but I can be ‘relieved’ if you see what I mean…and I do so hope she is ‘gone to a better place’…

(My own personal belief - or, at least, ‘longing’! - is that our First Heaven is our own lives, lived ‘wonderfully’ with all the ‘bad stuff’ and ‘sad stuff’ not in it any longer…it would be nice to think so.)

So sorry to hear of your loss . You are right the phrase "merciful release " is hackneyed but so true. A release for your MIL but also for you. It is so sad to watch when someone you love deteriorates and to all intents and purposes just isn’t there anymore.

Take strength in the fact that you did all you could For her and I am sure while she was able she did love and appreciate you.

Look after yourself and remember all the good times

Sorry to hear of your loss Jenny, but as already said, it’s often a blessing in disguise.Despite you’re no longer a carer, I sincerely hope you’ll continue to post, I always appreciate your forthright contributions.

Hi Jenny,

I’m sorry to hear that your MIL has now passed, but I am happy for her that she is at peace now.

I hope that you can get some peace for yourself now as you have been so brilliant. Thank you for always giving out good advice on here and for helping so many people xxx

Thank you again everyone! I don’t intend to leave the forum - I’m such a ‘loudmouth’!!! :slight_smile:

Genuinely delighted to hear you will still be contributing Jenny - who would I have to moan about then?! :whistle: :wink:

I am sure you’re late husband would been v proud of how you looked after your MIL.


So very sorry, Jenny, to learn of your MIL’s passing. (…and apologies for being late to say so - I missed this thread as I don’t often read this section of the forum). Your post was very moving and I am glad that the end was gentle for this once vital and dignified lady.

I’m very pleased you intend to remain here; your advice and opinions are invaluable.

Starfish, thank you! Yes, I can’t but be ‘glad for her’ and I do feel she has finally ‘escaped and gone home’ (as she tried to do, sadly, when she was more mobile). It was a sad way to end her life, but she did have a lot of ‘love’ - especially from her grandson - whether she knew it by then or not.

Alas, she is an ‘object lesson’ for us all not to be TOO ‘strong-willed to live’…

But her ordeal is over, and that is the main thing.

Thank you re kind words about me! I ‘try’ at least - but don’t always get it right. There is ‘plain speaking’ and ‘straight talking’ …and there is ‘callous and judgemental’!!! I need to remember that!

KR, Jenny


Hi Jenny,
I’m glad your MIL is now at rest, and her passing was peaceful. How right you and your son were able to say goodbye, despite the challenges you were there for her.
Take time to adjust,