My 100 year old mother is now impossible to deal with. She had a fall 5 weeks ago and broke her second hip. She lives alone with carers provided by social services and the reason she fell was because she refused to let her teatime carer prepare her a meal because she was “fat and deaf”. She is a truly unpleasant woman, will only do anything on her own terms, is rude, opinionated and politically incorrect in every way you can imagine. She has always been this way to a certain degree but age has just made her much much worse, I am an only child so I feel the responsibility to make sure she is OK falls on my shoulders. I am basically her fetcher, carrier and doer. She cares nothing for me and takes every opportunity to carp, criticise and blame me for everything that is wrong in her life. I have worked in the “social” field for many years and do understand that she is frightened, frustrated, angry and bitter with everything in her life and has been for many years; my father (who I now believe to be a saint!!) died seven years ago and since then she has transferred all of her hatred to me. Before the fall, I had decided to limit my visits to her drastically - I then visited 6 times a week and was gong to cut it down to 3 - however, her fall intervened and I felt that during her stay in hospital (and now rehab) I should ensure that things were right and progressing.
I asked for Adult Social Services to be involved as she has mental acuity but does not make rational informed decisions, i.e. I can go home as I can walk around using my frame and the furniture, when she couldn’t even stand up. SS decided that as she has mental capacity she can make her own decisions. Apparently sitting in a pool of urine and being surrounded by so much clutter she is at risk of falling all the time is a decision that she is able to make and if she wishes to live this way then that’s OK. A CT scan at A&E apparently showed no sign of changes to the brain so the mental health nurse ruled out dementia, which would have been at least some reason for her vile behaviour.
Following a very fraught visit on Saturday where she accused me of taking money out of her building society (only she has access), stealing her jewellery (a common complaint), stealing money, cheating on my husband, denying her physiotherapy treatment, breaking into her house and spreading rumours about her, I decided to give myself a rest on Sunday and leave her to it, especially as it was my birthday and my husband had arranged to take me out. I am back there today lugging the latest lot of “requirements” - money (she feels I am unreasonable that I will not let her have £1,500 cash in hospital with her), shoes she cannot walk in, clothes etc. and not looking forward to it at all. Depending on how things go I think I shall be telling her that I will now only visit her every other day (now that she has been moved it involves a 45 min journey each way)
I will happily do all third party admin for her like appointments, banking, liaising with SS, carers, doctors, dentist, DWP, paying her gardener etc. but no longer want to have any real personal contact with her. In a normal relationship you could talk to each other but my mother doesn’t do conversation in any shape or form. She either refuses to engage using closed body language and turning her face to the wall or shouts and screams abuse at me.
I have my own physical (one quite serious) and mental health issues and for my own well being cannot allow her to push me into that dark corner of my mind again. Sorry this is so long but my reason for posting is to ask if anyone has experienced this same extreme type of situation. Incidentally, I could feel a little sympathy for her if it were not for the fact that her behaviour towards most of the hospital staff is reasonably, but not totally, civil but the minute I appear everything changes which shows me that she is able to control her behaviour when required.