Hi Helena, I’m sorry to hear that you’re in an abusive relationship and are isolated. Did he actively isolate you or were you, like me, already isolated when you 2 got together?
How does he abuse you, is it just verbal or physical? I know both are real bad but I do hope not physical because I find that the scariest. I found I could always handle mums moaning, criticising and yelling and just let it wash off me like water off of a duck’s back, however when she started coming at me, getting close or moving hands around me I would always flinch after when I saw movement near my head. That is a terrible state.
I definitely need a few good friends. At the moment I’ve got the 2 B’s b ut alas they live far away. I have J and though some of the things he’s done haven’t been great he does for the most part treat me very well and encourages and reassures me.
The problems with him are that he seems slightly possessive and jealous when he knows I talk to other men. I assure him I am just friends with them but he barely believes me. He tells me he’s not accusing me but he asks me if there’s anything going on that he should know about?
He’s already worked out that I attract weirdos, usually blokes who are thirsty. He claims he’s just looking out for me to make sure I don’t get entangled with the wrong types
I agree with you and I will look into joining course and classes. I definitely want to learn animation, acting, dance, business management or leadership and many more. Alas my local colleges don’t do stuff like that for adults, only 16 year olds. I’d have to go further affield to do as they call it “hobby courses”
Business Studies is definitely not a hobby! It would be an excellent subject for you. Do you have any GCSE’s? Are you aware of Access courses? I did a special mature student’s degree, one day at college, the rest studying at home.
Lord J I had a job at the MOD when we met, but I moved 50 miles awaywhen we got married so left my friends and job - in 1990 we had no internet so keeping in touch was harder. We lived a mile from the nearest village and I did not drive. We ran businesses together so I had no chance to get out and make new friends. Husband is not social and he wanted ‘one’ person who he could do everything with. This worked whilst we had the businesses, but tbh even then it started to be come claustophobic. Issues started when we retired - he is 23 years older than me. I honestly think if I had friends in even the late nineties, they would have seen the ‘red flags’ as in the controlling behaviour and what friends now call ‘brainwashing’ as in ‘no one will believe you as you are a nothing and I was MD of a PLC’, then I would have had the confidence and support to have left. We were quite wealthy then so I would have been ok financially and young enough to have worked again. Hand on heart, if I had worked in an office,really do think I would have seen my husband for what he is.
You do need some sort of support system as a ‘prince’ wont come along on a white charger and rescue you! Honestly, to find a healthy relationship, you need to be emotionally in a good place to be able to give and receive love.
I’m not going to lie, I have been through this thing with my mum but I believe I am capable of having and maintaining a healthy relationship. I am not broken enough to not be able to give and receive love. In fact, I think it would help me. I’ve had practice now and I gave Jake lots of love.
I just think he doesn’t trust me and he thinks I’m talking sexual with guys and I’m not at all.
Apparently because I speak about my book to people, that is my talking sexual to them… o..k… advertising my book = seducing people makes lots of sense huh?
I’d say that blokes reading things into stuff that isn’t there is the problem of the blokes and not my being untrustworthy.
I told him he gotta trust me. He said trust is earned. I said I gave him no reason to doubt me and prove im untrustworthy though.
All this started because a guy friend called me whilst I was on a date with J
No I don’t but blokes seem see me as a sexual object and I got sick of it. I would have liked to have had a few decent opttions for partners so I had more of a choice though.
I have wanted a partner for a long time now because I thought it would be rewarding. I’ve been officially looked for friends since I was 16 and looking for a partner since I were 19.
Males tend to just want me as a partner or for sex and women just tend to not be interested in me at all unless they want to use me for some thing or some reason. So basically every gender wanted to use me for something so far… not in the future
I tend to think in a healthy relationship you should trust the other person unless they do something to prove they are not trustworthy! At the end of the day, it is your life but the fact you are posting here to me indicates that something does not feel quite 'right ’ to you? I also feel that you need to work on a platonic circle of friends ideally of both sexes but you have to BE a good friend before you an acquire good friends? I also frankly would not answer a phone call when out with a new potential partner unless it was urgent! That is simply an etiquette thing but maybe I am well out of date with what one does on a ‘date’ nowadays!
Have you EVER belonged to a group with an aim? A railway society, a preserve the woodland group, an environmental group? Anything which is primarily doing things together with a common goal? That’s the sort of group I think you need right now, where you can be happy and develop your social skills and be really comfortable within yourself rather than searching for a partner. I suspect mum kept you so tightly controlled that you never had this option earlier in life. Have you bought a copy of the book I recommended, Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff?
Hello to everyone, sorry it has been a while since i replied and updated you all but I have been having trouble logging back in. I thought it was because the password was wrong even though I had it saved to remember it, so I changed it and still had trouble and i think its because it wanted me to put my username and not email but i forgot my username (i did remember it after all but it said it was wrong, mustve been because i did it with little letters instead of capitals) but oh well i managed it at last now so I can at last update you all.
so far i have tried my doctors and told them about my situation and they tried to help but by interfering with mum which was not helpful at all. the doctor came to visit my mum because she refused to go to the surgery for an appointment because it was too hot (this happened in summer, june i think)
i think it was bad form of the doctor to just show up unannounced because even if they think they’re doing it to catch my mum out in some way it could potentially cause her to get stroppy with me which is did because my mum was angry that the doctor turned up. a social worker turned up as well and she wasn’t happy about that either. she thought they were all interfering trying to get her out of the house and to do things she didn’t want to do (out of the house as in to move out and into an old folks home which she fears)/
they were supposedly there to help us in someway with the house but my mum didn’t know how they could help and didn’t trust them. she just thinks they are out to get her to move out and into a bungalow or old folks home. she says she loves the house way too much to leave it even tho it needs a lot of work done to it including mould and damp in every room.
its so bad now that mould plus the rat infestations have cause my eczema to be permanently bad now.
it used to be manageable to the point steroid cream would clear it up pretty good but now the air must be so bad that not even the steroid cream will keep my face from being angry red, flakey and dry and tight as all hell. it hurts and is uncomfortable and the flakes give me anxiety.
the state of the house both being musty, mouldy, damp, dirty and cluttered stresses me out yet I’ve no idea how to sort it out.
my mental health is so bad i sleep most all day and stay awake all night and i just really do not want to touch anything in this house.
i wish i was more willing to do it but i just cant. for some reason my entire being is reluctant to do anything now with anything in the house. all i can do is move things from one place to another and it would still be a mess.
my mum was always the one good at organising and tidying even the messiest cluttered rooms but i just dont have the ability or even interest to do it.
update 2: Jake broke up with me in november after a wonderful summer of him taking me places Id never been before. I’ve had so m any more experiences than i have in many years and it did wonders for my mental health but alas it’s kind of over now. We are remaining friends and he will still take m e places some times but it wont be every tuesday and saturday like it was before.
He has put me in touch with the LGBT foundation which has a bunch of people who can help me with certain things: such as a domestic abuse support worker who calls me every now and again so i can keep her updated and she put me in touch with the housing people and carer people (i actually got in touch with the carers uk people but they never contacted me back so i gave up on them but these people have actually contacted me so i can fill out a form for a carers assessment. I remember carers UK did send me a “care for a cuppa” pack that included this form but nothing has come of that. I’m unsure what happened but hopefully these people will help instead.
they’ve also put in for me having therapy and i made an appointment but nothing came of that. I’m assumimg they were supposed to be ringing me on the phone but the date of the call came and went and i received no call. So I was rather confused by this so i made another appointment. I don’t know how else they’d contact me! I only gave them my phone number.
I met a new friend called Lucas via that furry meet I may have told you about and he seems to have taken to me well and talks to me often via telegram. we have now had one official meet up to hang out and he has already offered me to stay with him if I want to move out and get away from mum. I am tempted to but I haven’t known him long enough so i am unsure. he lives all the way in liverpool. its a little far for me to get to.
jake also thinks its best to get to know him and meet up a few more times.
my mum has started to accept me doing less (as someone on here told me i dont have to do anything i dont want to do, caring wise, i told mum this and she says “that’s ridiculous, you have to do whatever i can’t do” inlcuding washing her, dressing her, changing her nappy, soaking her feet, clipping her toenails, cooking cleaning, washing, other chores, so now she has said i dont have to do any of this stuff anymore because, and i quote “I won’t be seen to be this monster that you all make me out to be, and i can’t have people thinking you’re my slave as you all keep saying i am treating you as” something like that, i paraphrase but it’s something along those lines. ) and she has accepted that i go out when and for how long i want and she has stopped giving me a hard time if i go out for like 5 hours every time. i usually go out for up to 2 or 3 hours but if I’m going to one of my events in manchester with jake it might be 5 to 7 hours. i still have to cook when i get home.
She had agreed to do the cooking on the days i go out and is happy to just cook for herself as she knows i will have eaten my dinner when out but now since she got ill with the flu and i had to do all the cooking again she hasn’t gone back to cooking since she got back well again.
So now I’m back to doing the cooking every night even on the days i go out, so i have to be back by a certain time again.
i think that’s everything
and now I shall reply to this bit. I’ve never had a chance to belong to any group because my mum wanted me to be with her all the time. she said, and i quote “you can’t be away from me for too long, you have to look after me. i can’t be too long alone or i might fall/break my hip/have a heart attack/have a stroke” and the like. if i mentioned doing anything like that she’d say “oh i see so you’re more willing to look after this that the other when you’ve got a disabled mother at home that needs you. you can’t go around doing this and that when you have a disabled mother who needs constant care”
“Needs constant care”.
If she needs constant care then she needs to be in a care home! You have every right to go out, and I would suggest that you say to mum “I’ll get something to eat when I’m out so you will have to do your own meal tonight”. Things like beans on toast or scrambled egg are quick and easy. She is clearly capable of cooking but CHOOSES not to. To get Carers Allowance you only have to do 35 hours a week, which includes being on call. That leaves you with 133 hours a week!
she said she refuses to go in a home. She said she is capable of doing certain things but she gets me to do it because “the more i do , the more pain I’m in and it builds up to unbearable pain” so she tries to do as little as she can get away with so she doesn’t aggrivate the pain and end up where she can’t do anything at all and I have to do everything. So in other words her logic is that she wants me to do as much as possible so she can do as little as possible so she doesn’t end up where she can’t do anything and I have to do everything. Also since she got better, I tried telling her i want her to start cooking on the days i go out again but she refuses. Then she complains because I cook/give her her food later than she wants it.
I don’t know how many hours a week I do
Keep a diary of how many hours you care for? I did this and was quite shocked. Days where the chemist delivers mean I have to be available all day as husband often falls asleep and they cannot leave medication outside the back door. I cannot easily collect as 56 Fortisips are mega heavy. Also if a GP/NP due to call, I have to be in all morning or even all day until they call as husband deaf and would not hear the phone. I also need to listen to make sure I update any medication. Then there is the washing and general maintenance = booking blood tests and hospital appointments and GP appointments. Sorting out medication . Yes a lot of the time I am ‘on call’ but it makes arranging anything social or having any kind of paid or vol work, a huge challenge. I think you need to establish much clearer boundries with your mother as you have been posting for a while and do need to try and establish more of a life for yourself. I agree with BB if your mother needs constant care then a home is the only viable option. With regard to the cooking when you are out, just ignore her. You have EVERY right to a life of your own and if she wont accept this, then you have to tell her it will be a home as you are going to disengage. Harsh words I know but believe me, I have had to work mega hard to get some life outside of caring as I really was on the verge of sinking into clinical depression. I know too well how easy it is for me to type this and how very hard for you to implement the suggestions as I have been in your position. But you owe it to yourself to try.
Thanks, you are right that it is hard as she doesn’t see anything wrong. If I just ignore her and don’t do her any food she will go mad and throw some logic my way as to why I should do it and I always fall for it as she is sooo convincing. Like I said she can do no wrong and she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour over the years.
I dunno about putting her into a home. It means I would have to pay for it and keep up payments to keep her in there and apparently it’s right expensive and I’m not willing to spend what little I do get on that. It means less for groceries and bills I am to take over the home myself as she won’t be there and her income is the main income as she has the most in savings and gets pension plus disability. my income is far smaller so there’s no way I can take over both bills, groceries and care home expenses and have any extra left over for treats and luxuries!
Did you know that I’ve not been on holiday since I were 12? I am now 32. And the reason has always been money and excuse been fear as mum is scared to travel.
There certainly won’t be any chance of a holiday if my situation were to change and I were supposedly free of her.
I have decided to do what BB suggested ages ago and just secretly find myself a new place and leave, maybe without a word as she suggested. She told me to just go out and never return. Not even tell her in advance that I’m leaving.
I told my boyfriend this and one minute he said I should give her notice as it’s only fair so that she can get together whatever she needed to be on her own. She asked of me the same thing when I first told her I was going to leave home back in 2022 november.
Then I met this new friend called Lucas and he has told me that he will let me come and move in with him because after explaining my situation he was mortified at the treatment and how I am living.
(I don’t think I have mentioned to you guys that the house we are living in is a big old house which over the years has developed mould and damp and it’s so bad now it covers walls and there is some in every single room. mum’s room, the living room, is the worse with black and white mould. she has breathing problems and I have eczema which is hard to manage now. It’s so bad that I think it’s thanks to said mould and damp being so bad now. Caused by years of cooking with nowhere for the steam to escape, no flu, no window open. Years of windows being shut and drying wet clothes on radiators when heat on and now a few years with no heat at all, plus leaks due to holes caused by pests chewing such as squirrels in the loft which mum refuses to get rid of!.
The eczema on my face is SO bad now and it’s quite bad on my body and even the steroid cream aint working no more and I feel physcially rough and miserable that I am sleeping all day.)
And he said that he would send movers to come collect my stuff bit by bit to his house so that I can move in when I am ready (as mum said i have to take all my stuff in one go because i cannot come back to collect the rest and she wont let people in to collect it such as white van or mover people)
So both J n Lucas has offered me that.
After we chatted Lucas said I better just secretly move my stuff out bit by bit and then just go out one day and never come back and J agreed even tho before he said I should give her notice!
I said I should give her notice but I just know that if I did that she would make my life hell between the day I tell her I’m moving and the day I leave. But if I just go without a word and just don’t return home by night she will call and text, cry and call my dad and the police to go find me. If I am found and brought back and have to face her for whatever reason I will have a lot of explaining to do.
It’s hard but I think I’ll just have to tell her and give her notice. I haven’t decided what to do yet,…
I am in 2 minds about moving in with Lucas because I’ve only known him since august last year and we’ve only met up 3 times in that time and officially at the furry meet in january. we are to meet again this saturday so I have to get to know him longer before I decided to move in with him. In the meantime I am in touch with Elly from the charity who is helping me move out and get therapy and a carers assessment as the doctors was useless at all of this. I have my first therapy phonecall later on at 7 pm.
I still haven;t given them my proof of identity to the housing woman yet because my routine is so all over the place i sleep most day and awake all night and morning.
Luckily my mum doesn’t disturb me until I get up and then she wants me to get her drinks, food and clean and tidy the place all night.
I am going to say my hours are 2 hours for cooking and then the odd giving mum drinks and tidying. it doesnt take long as im so burnt out my body physcailly refuses to do anything else but the absolute essentials like giving mum food and drinks and just tidying up the kitchen and living room.
mum also has incontinence and accidents but she has stopped asking me to change her nappies.
she has a wee buckets so i empty that out every day and rinse and wipe it and spray it
Do you organise and administer her medication?
I honestly do not think YOU would have to pay for your mother’s care. It will come out of her pension/savings and investments. Do you really want to keep a large old house on? Also if you move out, you cannot be forced by the police to return home as you are an adult.
No I don’t. There was so much of it that I got confused and she has them morning noon and night so i was unable to do that so she took on that role.
Well she refuses to go in a home.
I do not really wanna take on a big old house, not one that needs a lot of work doing on it. My mum loves the house so much that she would rather see me keep it after she dies and live in it than to sell it to developers to be demolished.
As bad as she may have been I don’t feel right going against those wishes, and I kind of agree that it would be ashame to knock it down but I don’t know what to do. If I keep it and have it done up, fixed up, tidied, cleaned, redecorated and sold it’s a lot of work and money spent and then the new owner might have it knocked down anyway!
Or I might get ripped off by builders like my mum has been over the years so I don’t know if it is worth it.
so I’d say it was more of a burden than a blessing unless I saw screw it and do what my dad wants and sell it to developers/builders for more money but I’d feel bad.
It is a tough one.
I didn’t think the police would drag me back but they still have to probably go report back to my mum and if she found out i was well but just ran away she’d be annoyed and hurt if i didn’t contact her. i may be forced to talk to her and face the consequences
I think you would benefit hugely from counselling, someone who can talk things through with you and help you sort out your priorities. I found it was life changing when trying to manage my mum’s expectations when I was ill myself. You will never be expected to pay for mum’s care by Social Services, but if they decide she needs full time care then the house would almost inevitably have to be sold to pay for the care especially if you were not living there. House renovations are very expensive, how could you afford them? Is your father still alive? Who actually owns the house?
I will get councellling yes… i can’t sell the house if she is still alive she owns the house and if she doesn’t wanna leave and go into a care home and sell it she won’t do that. she will refuse so i don’t know what would happen. i was talking about if she died and i inherited it. i don’t know what i would do with it because like you said i couldn’t afford to do it up but I’d feel guilty having it levelled
You have to be clear that what you and mum want is less important than what she needs.
From what you say the house needs a lot of work to make it habitable.
You can’t afford it, mum either can’t or won’t sort it out.
How long before it becomes uninhabitable for either of you?
Houses need looking after. One small leak can cause thousands of pounds of damage.
Mum may be able to ignore the state of the house and the damage.
Like it or not YOU are ultimately the one who is going to be left with it.
With no job, no income, what are you going to do?
Selling is the only option left.
If it becomes uninhabitable in extreme circumstances Social Services can remove mum for her own safety and the house will be sold!