By the way somebody at some point gave me a suicide hotline link. I just wanna let you all know that I have never been and am not suicidal.
When I said about harming myself I just meant that when my mum was being extra aggressive and difficult I got so frustrated that I bashed myself over the head with my own hands… not suicide self harming. I’m too much of a coward and have a low threashhold for pain to do any of the hard core self harming don’t worry…
I also love myself too much… not ready to head onto the next dimension yet
Hello, Lord Jeromiah. I am returning to the Forum after a bit of an absence, I noted your topic with interest. You and your mother seem to be stuck in an unsatisfactory situation which you cannot break out of because neither of you knows any better way of life so far. It is most unsatisfactory that you effectively give up your life to care for your mother, only to be constantly berated.
You do have several issues. Bowlingbun has given you good advice in that you should list these issues and form an escape plan to deal with these issues individually. I am going to look at one of your issues - the generally bad relationship you have with your mother.
You have reservations about possibly being selfish, and your mother capitalises on this. Many years ago, I talked to a counsellor about selfishness. She had an easy tactic. Turn the situation round. Imagine yourself in the other person’s position and them in yours. How does it look then?
You mention emotional blackmail. This is the act of appealing to someone’s moral or social values in order to satisfy one’s own selfish desires. People with strong religious or moral convictions are particularly at risk of being victims, and must learn to fend off such manipulation with dignity. In my opinion it is one of the most grevious transgressions of our society and needs to be treated with the contempt that it deserves. Yes, your mother brought you into the world and nurtured you when you were a child. It sounds as though have by now far more than repaid her in kind - yet you get little thanks and much criticism.
Your mother attacked you with scissors! That’s appalling! The next time that happens, grab a kitchen tray and use it as a shield to fend her off. In other words, fight back immediately and non-destructively. Forget photographing it, in the hope that some guardian angel will see it and come and sort your mother out. Life does not work like that, as I think you have found out. Don’t put that sort of thing on social media either; it is not a forum for domestic abuse, and is more likely to disaffect you than help you.
Incidentally, do you have an other relatives, living near or far, who could possibly help in any way?
So there are a few points about your relationship with your mother. I look forward to seeing your next post and how you are getting on. May I repeat a suggestion already made? It would be preferable to continue this topic in the Private Members’ section, where we could all talk a bit more openly. Set this up as a “new topic” in the Private Members’ section, and cross-refer to this topic here. Put a last post in this topic referring to the new topic in Private Members’ section.
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Any update LJ. Mum really needs a care assessment in order to make things much easier on you both for the long term. You can either phone or email the local council social services office to start the whole process. Good luck and make brief summary notes as well. I also found that other people on the Internet were useful leading up to the day I had my care needs evaluation done to determine what I was allowed to have.
They were supportive of me and my entire situation afterwards. I also used various resources to help things be easier on me. And it worked. Generally speaking that is the case. I took notes.
Sorry guys, latest update is now that both me and mum have appointments with the doctor. She wants to see mum about her now bad, painful swollen foot, and she wants to see me to discuss my situation with my caring situation and how things are and how I feel about them all. Of course mum feels threatened by this and thinks they are going to interfere.
When we go on monday, she wants us both to insist that we get seen together, no being seen separately . Of course she wants that because she knows I may blab about how unhappy I’ve been! How bad she’s treated me!
Though she seems to think this is all ok the way she has treated me and that everybody would disapprove of how I’ve been acting.
I have written a list down of things I’d like to tell the doctor but any advice on what I should say incase I missed anything?
I think mum might be fearful they they will interfere and make her move into a bungalow or into a care home. That’s what she seems to fear most of all, that or them taking her slave away!
Write everything down so you can hand it to the doctor. That way, if you forget to say something, it’s there in written form.
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Keep a diary of symptoms. Good luck.
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Alright, thanks for the advice. I have been doing both on my mobile phone and also in my carersUK reflections diary. I’ve been writing in that diary all about what’s been going on over the years as briefly as I can but all the major points of mum’s bad behaviours.
Here’s an update:
So monday came and went and so did our appointments at the Doctor. Mum cancelled her appointment so the doctor rang her to find out what’s going on. Mum said she cancelled hers due to the heat but she also encouraged me to cancell my appointment too. I refused so I have had mine. I could only briefly explain my situation but alas the doctor didn’t get all the details because she kept asking me about several different things. Alas I was late due to my stupid sleep habits and poking myself in the eye which set me back. I had to calm my eye down. I forgot to tell doctor about the stupid sleep habits due to mum keeping me up until about 4 making me get her her last cup of tea. As we know it used to be because she’d keep me up long into the night when I was a teen lecturing me about my fantasy life and about how it was bad and blah blah blah. She used to say they were nice, bonding convos, no they weren’t. I would call them cr*apass conversations.
Anyway, not to worry. I have another appointment with the same doc next monday.
It’s my birthday Friday so luckily no appointments until next week.
In last monday’s session, the doc prescribed me the cream I like and also is going to put me in touch with some nice people who can help me with the whole moving out process.
I’m not sure what they are going to do but I think they may be able to put me on the right path for getting a house or maybe advice on what to do or expect of moving out for the first time ever! Who knows.
In other news I’ve finally been to manchester about 3 times now for the first time ever after years of mum making me scared of it.
There’s so much I wanna do there so this is very good. My new boyfriend took me there in his car so much easier.
I went to my first furry meet on saturday which was great and all but because I was out a long time mum was annoyed. She gave me a hard time when I got back and pretty much going on about ending her life some more as she keeps reminding me she’s gonna do after I leave home.
I told her off about it at last and she just simply said OK she won’t do it. There. That proves she wasn’t really suicidal and she was just doing it to guilt trip me not to leave home.
It was THAT easy.
She said she’s now going to proceed to do everything herself now. She told me not to do anything, because she wouldn’t want me to be the “slave” as she said sort of passive aggressively or whatever you’d describe that way of talking. She gave me a hard time saturday and sunday but Monday and Tuesday she’s been nice, sweet, aggreeable as pie.
It’s been less stressful this way but still suspicious
Good. She is discovering that bullying you isn’t working, at long last. Let her get on with it. Do NOT feel in the least bit guilty, she should never have expected anyone else to do it in the first place. Within a couple of days of being home after major surgery, I was doing my best to run the home again, as much as I was able. It wasn’t anything complicated, but I could peel carrots etc. sitting down, prepare things for the oven, even if someone had to put it in the oven. My son with learning disabilities still remembers with pride how he had to help me one Christmas Day to take the chicken out of the oven, as it was too heavy for me to lift. It’s not doing your mum’s mental health leaving you to do things because she can’t be bothered. When you have moved out she’s going to have to do it anyhow, or pay someone to come in and do it.
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Ok guys, I shall give update.
So as you know, I have entered into a new relationship and first one in 8 years or so. He has been wonderful taking me to places further afield but no more than an hour, hour and a half away from my home to places like manchester (which I haven’t been to except for 2 brief times despite living near/sort of in mcr), blackpool for the first time since I was very young child, southport where my dad came from, and liverpool beach, not the town yet.
I’ve had more adventures now and he treated me real good, looked after me and paid for my meals and some treats and clothes. Just in time for my birthday too so I got 4 presents from him and the birthday trip out which was blackpool. It’s all been amazing but of course mum has had to put her 2 penny worth in and dampen my glee by being difficult and argumentative.
She tried to tell me that from what she has heard from me about my new partner, that she thinks that he is just being on his best behaviour to get me where he wants me and calls him abusive.
I thought this really sh**ty of her and I didn’t appreciate it. I thought she was trying poison my relationship seen as how he threatens to take her slave away from her.
Unfortunately, he has now shown a few red flags so I hate to say she MAY be right.
He seems to be jealous of my talking to other men and is always telling me every man I meet that they are just trying to get into my pants.
He often lectures me about the type of people (mainly men) I speak to. He says he’s not trying to stop me from talking to people and making new friends because lord knows I need them.
He’s just concerned about the type/quality of people I talk to and is worried about my putting myself in danger.
We took him shopping to buy him a new suit and I spoke to a lovely young man at NEXT and wanted to enlist him to play a role in the film I’m planning to make (an amateur short film for youtube and possible film festival in the future).
I asked if he was interested and he said he was and so went off to go get a pen and paper.
MY BF(we will call him J) caught the last bit and said “what;s going on here” so I told him the truth. Nothing was said about it, I gave the lad my details and that was that.
J said nothing about it after but he had a face like thunder and you could feel the tension. He seemed to storm around after that and even pushed passed me to go look in a mirror to look at the suit. He couldn’t gone the other way which had a huge gap but he chose to push passed between me and the rack of clothes.
I felt terribly nervous and uncomfortable after this.
He seemed really annoyed. I guess he didn’t say anything because he didn’t wanna ruin the day we had planned but I knew I’d be hearing about it the next day.
Indeed he sent me a long message waiting for me the next day about how concerned he was about my talking to blokes.
He didn’t mention the incident the day before, but he mentioned other encounters which were innocent.
After that day I felt a terrible sad gut feeling at 4 am but felt better the next day when we spoke on the phone.
He said he wanted to speak more on the phone about his concerns about my talking to other people but he never did bring it up on the phone.
feels as if he is being posessive and jealous.
He now wants to see me twice a week and wants to talk most every day after work on the phone. Mum thought that was weird.
I told this stuff to mum and she confirmed it was red flags. Even my friend did.
Then came tuesday he wanted to go to mcdonalds and i wanted to go to frankie and bennies.
mum said i must win. I told him what mum said and he took me to F&B’S
he seems annoyed when he doesn’t get his own way. could be to do with money though.
i felt a funny feeling the whole time. later on in the car he tried to kiss me 3 times and insisted on doing it even though I was clearly not happy about it, the 3rd time pressing down on me hard it hurt me.
When i told him it hurt me, he sat back in his seat but he glared at me leaning slightly forward for ages. I sat back in the car seat and tried to laugh it off but he was silent glaring for minutes.
He then said, supposedly jokingly “get out of my effing car”
when I refused he said “I’ll drag you out by your ankles and your head wiill hit the floor”
and i jokingly said “oh nice, sounds like fun” sort of sarcastically.
he said “it won’t be fun for you, but it will be fun for me”
i guess he has dark humour but sheeeeesh! It felt serious…ish… this time.
Today we went for a day out in mcr with 2 of my friends and he hit me with a belt but said it was an accident. I am sure it was on purpose.
Update 2: the housing woman who was supposed to be helping me out in regards to getting me a council house failed to remind me of my appointment and it landed on a different day than I thought and she only just reminded me last minute on the day. I didn’t get the text and so I missed the appointment.
I texted her to explain how I didn’t get the text until it was too late and can we reschedule the appointment. No reply. It’s not been 2 weeks or so and I’ve heard nothing from her or the doctor who arranged it and seemed very eager to interfere in our lives and help me out with this whole situation.
They went from all over this, concerned about me and even mum’s health, mental health and situation to now have just left us alone completely. I find this very strange and I’m disappointed.
Wondering whether to ring up the housing woman or the doctor.
Firstly, on this occasion your Mum is right - end the relationship with J now. It’s common for people to go from one controlling / abusive relationship to another and it appears this is what has happened to you. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.
Re housing, you need a calendar for important dates like this. The demand for housing is high and they aren’t going to chase you to keep appointments, when so many people are desperate. Yes ring all those involved but be prepared to wait.
The new partner has now shown his true colours. End it, now. You need your freedom to discover yourself without mum trying to control you. The very last thing you need is another control freak!
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Any update OP. Good luck.
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It’s already hard. Hes the one and only person in my life with whom I can meet in person and can take me places in his car. I’ve been to more places this year than I have in many many years, and I just simply cannot go back to how life was like before with no friends, no people in my life at all apart from mum. The other friends I spoke of B 1 and B 2 live way too far away to hang out with.
I did make 2 new friends recently but they’ve gone no contact.
They had also revealed their true colours, which was that they were after sex or something in the end.
L had abandoned me after he got a new girlfriend and M kept drunk texting me going on about how sexy I am and how horny he was and has now gone no contact. I’m assuming he has found someone that he likes better.
This is the problem I am having: it’s hard for me to find friends and partners and when I get them they either turn out to be no good or they leave.
It’s a terrible fate… most probably continued from my dad leaving me when I was 6. God knows how that pertains to random strangers. Same with like you say about how people go from one abusive relationship, usually with parents, to another, usually a partner/spouse.
I am unsure how/why this happens.
how to break the cycle I wonder?
Even tho he did those things I mention, everything else is all well: communication is open, we talk alot about my characters and interests and he does a lot of the things I want and buys me things and seems patient with me, my friend B 1 even said he seems a lovely guy and is good for me after meeting him and despite my telling her this stuff I mentioned above.
I know I’m probably doing the classic making excuses for him but seriously I know how I am and I’d hate to lose him now and go back to being totally isolated.
Since meeting him I’ve been getting hundreds more ideas for my art/story/music and so on. He has been good for me and I feel that one bad day we had was just a glitch in the matrix as all was fine before and all has been fine since, since I stopped listening to mum. I felt mum was trying to poison me against him so I’ll break up with him and then she’d have me all to herself again. Since I Got rid of the paranoia and stopped believing he was abusive as mum said all has been well. My mindset has been a lot better, I’ve been my normal happy self and he has also been great.
I feel like my bad energy from mum turning me against him made that bad day on that Tuesday happen.
Like I said to mum I’m aware of the red flags that have popped up and I WILL be careful, but right now I can’t break up with him for he’s the best thing in my life for me right now.
I’ve been a lot happier since having someone to hang out with in person and going to fresh new places with. Yes you’d probably say I could go places by myself via public transport but that sucks going alone.
I was so effing miserable last year even tho I went more places,(it was just local places, nothing exciting really) meeting people was a right barstard and I got so frustrated my mental health was terrible.
I hope and pray nothing bad will happen regarding J but if it starts to get bad any more times I will get rid of him.
The same reply above applies to your message too. I was going to quote the 2 together but didn’t.
I do agree with you though. I certainly don’t need another, however, it’s really hard for me to be alone anymore. I’ve been alone for much of my life. Friends have come and gone. I used to be an introvert who loved only my own company plus that of my fantasy life characters/friends/family whatever they were to me and believed that that was all I needed and I wish I felt that way now, for it’d be alot easier since friends/partners come so very NOT easy for me. remember easy come easy go? For me it’s not so easy come, extremely easy go! as with an example I gave to Melly1 above.
Took me many years to find the 3 B’s but alas they all live 5 hours away and thus I only get to see, well all I’m left with now is B1, merely once a year! I’ve never met B2 and as you all know by now the male B betrayed us and is no longer a part of our little long distance friend group.
I have another suitor in the mits, we will call him JD as his name also starts with J, so J2 or JD your choice!
He doesn’t live too far away from me but he seems reluctant to meet, always making excuses, same with another suitor D.
They both seem to like me a lot but there’s always SOME reason or other as to why they cannot meet me. This time it was cannot take any days off work and then a holiday. He’s back home now so we shall see if he makes up any other reasons not to meet
Do you see everyone as a potential “suitor”? How about doing an activity where you can just build up a group of friends, male and female?
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You are very vulnerable. Please do not hate me, but do you really think you are ready for a healthy relationship right now? I have to agree with BB try to build up a circle of trustworthy platonic friends.
I am in an abusive relationship and frankly the only reason my husband managed to get control over me, years ago, was by isolating me. So I would literally beg you not to dash in, and ideally have a circle of friends who could alert you to any red flags which if you are ‘in love’ and ‘inexperienced’ you may well not see. You are still very young and have years ahead to find a loving partner and an equal relationship. A good counsellor could really be a godsend right now.
Heya.
Find a new activity and learn a new skill. Most colleges and universities offer a load of options in order to attract more people. Or you can see if the open university appeals to you instead. Other online course providers include Learn Direct and FutureLearn. The U3A has such a wide range of activities for the older folks as well. Ring up your local community college in the morning. Also take a look at their own website or email in addition to get more details. Best wishes.
Whatever you opt to do make it worthwhile. In other words please decide wisely beforehand. Have a good look online for further information on finding out about your course options. Sit down and then make some brief summary notes. Get a feel for how the actual university or college in question works. Visit in person if possible. See the facilities and try to talk to other folks. Preferably staff and some of the current learners.
Arrange a meeting to discuss you with the course team. Learn as much as possible in advance. Learning never stops. And it is not only something that is done in a stuffy school classroom either. Consider your personality, skills and interests. Flick through a course brochure.
Read it at least once and very carefully to determine if the selection of of provided courses are suitable for you or not. Use your common sense. There are hundreds of options. Go for it. I’m not stopping you. But do first of all make sure that you can cope with the full course workload on your own. That is my advice. Bear that in mind here as you decide. Courses cost money.
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I hope you guys all get this and I think y ou’re right that I could really really benefit from a really good genuine group of fantastic friends more than a relationship but alas, alas, everybody I’ve ever met either doesn’t like me or only interested in me for sexual purposes.
It was easier as a kid to make friends but even those weren’t true good friends. They’d tattle on ya as soon as you didn’t do what they want and end the friendship when you accuse them of being ashamed of you to their other friends… yeah. Never have I ever had a best friend or decent friends to speak of. I’ve been isolated since I were born with only false friends and family members around me.
Even my favourite person, my grandma, did me the dirty when I was a toddler. Because she didn’t like my mum, I had to suffer.
I Had a group of unrelated friends for the first time when I were 11 but they all stopped bothering with me when the main one who latched on to me moved further away. Although the rest remained local they didn’t bother keeping up playing with me.
I’ve even been to classes when I were a kid and a couple when I were in my 20s and didn’t make any proper keep in touch friends there. ballet and stage when I were a kid and 2 art classes and a zumba class when I was in my 20s and they would usually ignore me, not include me in conversations or class outings (they knew I couldn’t go to the city center and yet they still insisted on having their latest outings since I joined be in the city, despite the fact that they said they normally have them local)
You do seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. Whenever I join a new group, I’m always very quiet to start with, it takes time to get to know people, I just want to be “me”. I don’t tell anyone about any of my exploits to start with. My friends in Crete say I’m a “different person” to the one that went to the hotel the first time. Joining an existing group isn’t easy, my way is to help someone who just needs a gentle hand, offering a squirt of sun cream if they’ve left theirs behind when we go to the beach, I’m the one that always has change, etc. Don’t give up too soon, and do something that gives you pleasure for yourself, swimming, yoga, woodwork, whatever, but do it because you want to do it for yourself. Maybe get a copy of a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff, to help you realise where you might have gone wrong in the past so you don’t make the same mistake in the future. I found it really helpful.
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I joined a zumba class when I was about 27 to both try to lose weight and for the social aspect and learn something knew. I was desperate to find some sort of dance class and there were just non local so I thought zumba dancing would be a good start. I joined them at 7 15 pm every tuesday. Unfortunately this collided with my going out day. So of course I had to cook, eat and then go to the dance class and it’d been a long day and I was super tired and full of food. Anyway everyone was to arrive by 7 15 but the actual class didn’t start until way later whilst everybody waited for everyone to arrive. I would deliberately come later so the class would be starting. The reason for this was because everybody would be standing around in the hall chatting and I was always just stood there bored out of my mind and feeling stupid because I was never involved in the conversations. It was always a select few that would dominate the conversation including the dance teacher and her selected assistance (just customers but clearly loyal/best friend type people who’d been coming for a long time).
In the very beginning it wa fun. I had made friends with all the current members and was always included in the convos when it was a small group, but then when more and more people started to join the groups got so big they’d be separated into smaller chatting groups standing around (usually after the class) All the poor newbies were ignored and ended up standing around like lemons. They didn’t even speak to eachother. There was one regular who’d been coming for years, a big pearshaped red headed woman who was having her 10th baby and lectured all the women much older than her about why childbirth is not painful and those women who fuss and scream when going into labour were JUST being dramatic! She said this because she felt little pain when she’d had her 8th 9th… the older women had faces of thunder and went quiet… I knew what they were all thinking… I was all like yeah, of course, y ou do realise mate that every woman is different and I doubt those women who find it extremely painful are acting like it’s worse than it is by just being dramatic. It’s obviously going to be painless for those with wider hips versus those who have narrower hips…
Everyone was thinking it, nobody said it. This woman was a nurse. I think a midwife.
After being ignored at the chatting stage after class I decided to make my excuses to go home after I pay, as did a few other newbies.