I’ve been caring for my 92 year old Mum for the last 20 months or so since my Dad passed away. My younger sister and eldest Neice share the caring duties as far as they are able, but I am retired and consequently take the lions share. One of us stays over every night on a rota basis, and watch over her for the vast majority of the daytime.
I’m looking to introduce external carers to ease the situation as it is taking it’s toll on my marriage. My husband has a number of physical health issues, and is also quite fragile mentally. I would really appreciate some help and advice as to how best to discuss this with Mum, as I fear that she will feel hurt and upset.
Mum is now a very great age, and with that it is inevitable that she needs a lot of care, more than family can now provide. You are not as young as you used to be either!
It is NOT up to mum to say who cares for you. It is up to you to decide how much, if any, care, you can provide for her, when your husband should be your top priority.
Start by having a family conference without mum, when you can all talk honestly about the impact caring is having on all of you.
Please can you tell us how much care mum needs?
Why does she need someone with her overnight?
In some circumstances, the NHS will provide care free of charge?
Does mum own or rent her property?
Have over £23,000 in savings?
Claim Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Atttorney?
Hello and welcome!
Please tell us more about your cared for person. What is the nature of their impairment? Is it a physical or cognitive issue?
Hi bowlingbun
Apologies, I’m so new to all this I’ve only just seen your response!
Thank you for taking the time to engage with me.
Mum needs help through the day with meal preparation, shopping and cleaning etc
My sister is not comfortable with leaving Mum overnight in case she were to fall or feel unwell. I actually feel that sge would be ok,but after 20 months or so Mum has now come to expect that one of us will be there.
Mum owns her property and has than £10,000 in savings.
I have recently submitted a claim for Attendance Allowance, just waiting to hear now.
My sister and I have enduring power of attorney, but this has not been invoked as yet. Mum is still able to make decisions for herself.
Hi Thara
Mum has alcohol related brain damage (recently diagnosed following ct scan), she drinks lot of sherry!
Her behaviours are much the same as would be expected with dementia.
She has moderate cognitive impairment, and very poor vision due to untreated cataracts and macular degeneration.
If she gets AA it will increase her income, not just the AA but additional pension premiums. Do you manage her benefits?
Does she have a falls alarm? Pendant alarm from Social Services.
Your marriage means you should not stay at mum’s overnight, but in your own bed.
The dementia means that residential care will be inevitable towards the end of her life. The more outside help, the longer she can stay at home.