I’m new and need help

Hi everyone so I’m new here and need some advice.

My grandad has Parkinson’s disease and my gran has Alzheimer’s disease, they have had no care package in place until now (carers start Monday). My grandad is an alcoholic, he drinks so much, easily 2 or 3 litres of vodka a day, that in August me and my mum found him barely breathing on the floor so had to call 999, he spent 2 nights in hospital and then sent home, the same night that he was sent home we found him in the same condition and had to call 999 again, this time he was admitted to hospital for 4 weeks to go on a hospitalised alcohol detox, when this was completed he was sent home at the end of September, this same night we had to phone 999 as he was completely disturbed, going to the shop in his pyjamas to pay for vodka with a remote control, trying to climb out of windows, storming around the house with a knife trying to open doors, by the time 999 arrived and took him back to hospital he was threatening to kill people and hitting everyone. He eventually got diagnosed with wernicke-korsakoff syndrome, he had to be highly medicated with all sorts of anti psychotic medication and the hospital were preparing to put him in to a secure home where he could get full time care and never access alcohol again. He slowly started to join the real world and the hospital decided he would be able to go home, but that he could never drink alcohol again. At the end of October he came home and yes you can guess it we are in full alcoholic mode again, he’s on 2 - 3 litres of vodka a day. Yesterday I told him he has to stop drinking or my gran will have to be placed somewhere safe as she’s unable to look after herself she has severe Alzheimer’s disease and he will be in hospital again so the house will have to be sold and he turned around and said I’m gonna burn the house down. Our social worker is off work sick. What do we do? My main concern is my helpless very sick gran is living with this man. He’s still on all his anti psychotic medication but with all the alcohol they won’t work properly anyway. I will never forgive myself if he killed my gran. Who is there to contact?

Ring Social Services immediately. They have a duty to protect at risk vulnerable adults.

Definitely ring social services. It’s an emergency. Also I wonder if you could ring Al -:an. They are support for families of alcoholics. Possibly may be able to advice you?
0800 008611

Social services have said it’s not an emergency until the emergency occurs. What I’m telling them is it is an emergency that I want to prevent, I don’t want my gran to be dead when I find her next. They’ve said if he’s dangerous call 999 but this man is very very clever and completely twisted. Every time the police show up he’s like a different man.

Sadly, it seems blazingly obvious that they can’t go on living in their home, whatever care package is in place!

BOTH need to be in full time residential care now. That will keep your poor gran safe, and at least ‘contain’ your granddad. He is clearly a highly advanced alcoholic and it is useless to do anything other than either let himself drink himself to death (but ONLY himself - ie, he must NOT endanger his wife) (or burn the house down!), or keep him somewhere ‘secure’ where he can’t access alcohol (personally, I think that’s a bit cruel by now - if vodka is all that keeps him happy, let him drink it - BUT, not to endanger others or cause you and your mum stress).

It is absolutely outrageous that he was ‘sent home’ and if the house has to be sold to pay for their care, well, it has to be sold.

I wish you good luck. There is a LOT of collective experience on this forum to guide you how to INSIST that SS do NOT leave them ‘at home’. Start talking the magic word, which is ‘safeguarding’. SS have a duty of care to ensure they are safe.

Luckily, if your grandparents are home owners, SS are keener on putting them into residential care as SS themselves know they won’t have to pay for it! It’s when SS has to pay that they keep trying to keep folk at home, even when totally unsuitable, as it is for your grandparents.

Talk to the care-team when they arrive next week - they too are experienced, and will swiftly see how impossible things are for your grandparents in their own home.

Oh yes, the Catch 22 of ‘not an emergency’! (My post crossed with yours).

Do you think your gran would ‘volunteer’ to go into a care home herself? Is she still deemed to have ‘legal capacity’ for her dementia?

If she said she WANTED to go into a care home, and was self-funding (as she probably will be?), then at least SHE would be safe. If your granddad burns the house down with him alone in it, does that matter so much??? (I’m not entirely joking!) He is ‘life-limited’ because of his severe drinking - ‘keeping him alive’ does NOT seem a priority to my mind! Not in comparison to your poor gran, who presumably had to put up with him for decades…time she had an easier life of it.

The biggest problem is that my grandad is her carer, he is deemed to have mental capacity and can make all the decisions regarding himself and his wife.
None of us have any power of attorney or anything to override the decisions he makes so if he says she stays at home we have no choice but to live with that.
We have all given up on him, our first thought is just getting my gran out of there and safe.
No my gran would not volunteer to go in to a care home, she is actually the total opposite and resists any help. She has no idea she has this horrible disease, rarely speaks and doesn’t move off the sofa. The only good thing in all of this is she has no idea her husband is ruining her life, YET!
The poor woman has had 50 years of physical and verbal abuse off this man, but he is all she’s ever known, he’s always been the one to control things financially sadly so at this moment all she is now is trapped!
I’m hoping the carers going in next week changes everything and they report back that there is huge problems or that he ends up in hospital before he does anything stupid! I just hate the thought of us all having to sit and wait.
Thank you for your advice.

Now is the time to have a look at the LA website, search for “Adult Services Complaints” and fill in the online complaints form, which will then go to the LA Complaints Officer, not the local office. You could also send a letter to the Director of Social Services.
Explain that in your view, your grandmother is a vulnerable adult, and as an alcoholic, your grandfather is unsuitable to be a carer, and that therefore there should be a “Best Interests Meeting” to safeguard her. Also ask for her to be given an advocate. Should they decide not to take action, and she comes to any harm, then you will sue them for NEGLIGENCE.
Then try to record grandad doing whatever he does, so that you have clear evidence. I’d be tempted to get a covert camera too, as this is all about protecting gran.
Hopefully, he will be horrible to the carers, who will then see the “real” man and have him taken away!!!

Another possible angle is that although your grandfather may have financial PoA, does he have Health and Welfare PoA? So, he can control what is spent on (or vicariously ‘by’) your poor gran, but can he control where she lives (ie ‘health and welfare’)? They are not necessarily the same thing!

I wonder if you could film him ‘having a go at you’ (or, ideally, having a go at his poor wife) or film him when he’s ‘dead drunk’ etc etc. If you had visual evidence that might build up a safeguarding case for you with the SS.

One member of the forum had a mother who was UTTERLY vile to her, but never in front of witnesses etc. So the member managed to film one of her vicious verbal attacks on her, and played it back to her GP - who was horrified! Also, when the mum had to go into hospital, she threw another ‘vicious wobbly’ right in front of the nurses when the daughter ‘refused’ to take her back home again (where the mum treated her as a slave). Again, the nurses were shocked, and it was glaringly obvious the mother was a really really nasty piece of work, and not the ‘sweet old lady’ that she appeared to others…

It does seem to me that IF your grandparents own their own property (I think you said they did?), SS should be ‘inherently’ less objecting to your gran going into residential care, as SS won’t have to pay for it!

PS - it’s a shame that drunken bullies like your grandfather get NHS treatment!!!