Hi everyone it’s been a few days.
I have had some difficulties, mainly with work which caused me to have abit of an episode but I’m okay. Basically there is a problem at work with the blind pole, the wall is rotting behind it and it’s hanging on by a single bent screw. It may only take a vibration for it to fall and it could hit the window and smash it. I told my boss at work but no one seemed interested so it was causing me some panic. I don’t know why my collegues weren’t really bothered about it.
I also ended up in a situation where my boss said something which really upset me. She asked me to do something and kind of digged into me. She compared me to a colleague and though I get along, I was really offended by it. I think it’s because I have been struggling so long really. With me it’s a lack of appreciation from anyone, no one to say “well done” at the end of the day and mean it. No one to cuddle and no shoulder to cry on.
I did a story last week and it almost brought a tear to my eye. I had previously done an article about the local hospital calling out for twiddlemuffs for people with dementia. I got a call about two weeks go from this craft group, who said that they saw the article and made loads. They invited me to see them. They told me they did them because they saw that article. I know there was effort all round, but to hear of someone responding like that. A few days earlier I also got pulled up by a contact in the street, she thanked me for the previous memorial article about her dad. She invited me in her shop and gave me a pack of handmade bath bombs. Sadly it’s all gone amiss by my work collegeues not that I strive for recognition. Lately it just feels like it’s just another story to fill a gap.
I also managed to do something I haven’t done in over three years before covid. I went to a stand up comedy gig with my sister. We saw the comedian jack whitehall, he has long been on my wish list to see live. It was a great gig and I remembered how I used to go to gigs like this practically every week at one point. That was the first in three years.
It was really funny.
There was abit of an incident half way through though, and I noticed a fair few people get up in short succession. I was abit weary considering it was a venue that holds thousands. Shortly after security seemed to be on to something. I saw two guards on wallow talkies and I became very nervous but nothing happened. When the show finished there was a distinct burning smell outside the venue though. It’s scary how that ran through my mind but I suppose expected.
How times have changed.
I stand on my own two feet the majority of the time. However I think people forget how little I have sometimes.
At work I’m the 26 year old surrounded by people in their 40s two of which have children, all three have a mortgage and a partner. Then there is me on my own. I have no partner, very little family and a few friends. I have little money and no one to pick me up if I fall really. I’m not saying the cost of living crisis doesn’t affect them I know it will but it affects me differently my
I know the whole forfill your own destiny thing and I get it. I’m quite strong and independent, but we all fall sometimes.
I seemed okay but with mum things have been rather stagnant until today. I never heard anything from the social worker in the end despite being told she would ring me. I left it.
I didn’t really want to go out today, I had to force myself to go out and get some eggs to make omelettes for tea. I went out and everyone in the shop was acting feral which scared me. I went home in abit of a panic and tidied up. It was a nice day and I felt bad because I couldn’t cope with people but I didn’t want to be cooked up on a day like this.
My sister called me and said do you want to go for a drive which seemed like the appropriate way. We went for a drive along the country roads on my way to work and stopped at a farm which was having an open day where we saw and fed some goats.
The day was okay until I got a message from mum telling me about some pip forms. I later dropped my sister off and went to my mums to get them. I was searching for the usual evidence.
I’ve got to admit ever since I have been on edge. I know I’m going to have to deal with these forms and thought I know how it’s mum I am contending with. It’s just another thing I don’t want to deal with but have to. I wish pip would just leave her alone, surely if she has carers then that should prompt the dwp to know that she is disabled. Once again services don’t work together. I wish pip would just decide that if people have certain conditions nothing will change and leave people alone, also if someone is over a certain age leave them alone.
I called mum to make a start on these forms, but she told me she was sick and didn’t want to carry on.