I have had a difficult week

Hi everyone it’s been a few days.

I have had some difficulties, mainly with work which caused me to have abit of an episode but I’m okay. Basically there is a problem at work with the blind pole, the wall is rotting behind it and it’s hanging on by a single bent screw. It may only take a vibration for it to fall and it could hit the window and smash it. I told my boss at work but no one seemed interested so it was causing me some panic. I don’t know why my collegues weren’t really bothered about it.

I also ended up in a situation where my boss said something which really upset me. She asked me to do something and kind of digged into me. She compared me to a colleague and though I get along, I was really offended by it. I think it’s because I have been struggling so long really. With me it’s a lack of appreciation from anyone, no one to say “well done” at the end of the day and mean it. No one to cuddle and no shoulder to cry on.

I did a story last week and it almost brought a tear to my eye. I had previously done an article about the local hospital calling out for twiddlemuffs for people with dementia. I got a call about two weeks go from this craft group, who said that they saw the article and made loads. They invited me to see them. They told me they did them because they saw that article. I know there was effort all round, but to hear of someone responding like that. A few days earlier I also got pulled up by a contact in the street, she thanked me for the previous memorial article about her dad. She invited me in her shop and gave me a pack of handmade bath bombs. Sadly it’s all gone amiss by my work collegeues not that I strive for recognition. Lately it just feels like it’s just another story to fill a gap.

I also managed to do something I haven’t done in over three years before covid. I went to a stand up comedy gig with my sister. We saw the comedian jack whitehall, he has long been on my wish list to see live. It was a great gig and I remembered how I used to go to gigs like this practically every week at one point. That was the first in three years.

It was really funny.

There was abit of an incident half way through though, and I noticed a fair few people get up in short succession. I was abit weary considering it was a venue that holds thousands. Shortly after security seemed to be on to something. I saw two guards on wallow talkies and I became very nervous but nothing happened. When the show finished there was a distinct burning smell outside the venue though. It’s scary how that ran through my mind but I suppose expected.

How times have changed.

I stand on my own two feet the majority of the time. However I think people forget how little I have sometimes.

At work I’m the 26 year old surrounded by people in their 40s two of which have children, all three have a mortgage and a partner. Then there is me on my own. I have no partner, very little family and a few friends. I have little money and no one to pick me up if I fall really. I’m not saying the cost of living crisis doesn’t affect them I know it will but it affects me differently my

I know the whole forfill your own destiny thing and I get it. I’m quite strong and independent, but we all fall sometimes.

I seemed okay but with mum things have been rather stagnant until today. I never heard anything from the social worker in the end despite being told she would ring me. I left it.

I didn’t really want to go out today, I had to force myself to go out and get some eggs to make omelettes for tea. I went out and everyone in the shop was acting feral which scared me. I went home in abit of a panic and tidied up. It was a nice day and I felt bad because I couldn’t cope with people but I didn’t want to be cooked up on a day like this.

My sister called me and said do you want to go for a drive which seemed like the appropriate way. We went for a drive along the country roads on my way to work and stopped at a farm which was having an open day where we saw and fed some goats.

The day was okay until I got a message from mum telling me about some pip forms. I later dropped my sister off and went to my mums to get them. I was searching for the usual evidence.

I’ve got to admit ever since I have been on edge. I know I’m going to have to deal with these forms and thought I know how it’s mum I am contending with. It’s just another thing I don’t want to deal with but have to. I wish pip would just leave her alone, surely if she has carers then that should prompt the dwp to know that she is disabled. Once again services don’t work together. I wish pip would just decide that if people have certain conditions nothing will change and leave people alone, also if someone is over a certain age leave them alone.

I called mum to make a start on these forms, but she told me she was sick and didn’t want to carry on.

Maybe try counselling in order to deal with the incident at the concert.

Yeah. I wasn’t really expecting that to happen. Like I say I used to go to gigs every week even multiple times a week. I suppose it would only be natural to be on your toes when security look like they are responding to something like that. I’m not saying it wasn’t a valid response to have, but it might have been abit extreme. Nonetheless it happened.

I think sometimes you forget how vulnerable you are in these places. It’s not so much who is trying to get in, more who is hanging about. I’ve got to admit that was a very new response and unusual for me to have, but it demonstrates how much things have changed for me. I have a councilling appointment sometime in the next couple of weeks anyway.

Im not being defeatist and I will end up going to more gigs. I’ve got tickets to a concert in June. It’s not going to stop me. It is just something that really puts you on your toes.

Tonight I had the first panic attack I have had in a few weeks. It only lasted about two minutes but it was so intense and scary. I have since taken some meds after to hopefully prevent another.

The day started out so normally. I woke up and played on my games for abit. Then I decided I wanted omelettes for tea so I had to get some eggs. It’s not as if I didn’t have anything in either. I should have stayed at home. I went to the shop and it was too much for me. The drive was okay.

Then I heard the news from my mum which triggered me. It’s hurt me to think that the powers that he have sent these forms near to a bank holiday so now it’s extra days of worrying compared to just a weekend. They have no respect. It’s just so hard.

Coolcar, do you sit by the window at work?

Well done on the dementia twiddle-muffs story - what a great outcome, for the people who will get to use them and the people who enjoyed making them and helping others. Lovely recognition too for the memorial article. I understand you’d like recognition
from your boss and you should have - however the feedback from the public is to be treasured too.

I used to teach in a mainstream and then a special school. Rarely did we receive recognition from the heads that related to what the important stuff we achieved - how the appreciation from parents and the progress we saw in the children made it worthwhile. Some recognition for all out hard work from our bosses would’ve been nice too mind!

I know the DWP helped BB fill out a PIP form for her son, so it doesn’t have to be you. Others could help her. I hate those forms - ridiculous number of pages too. ( I fill them in for S.) I keep a copy of what I wrote and hash it up again if requested. Still begrudge the time though.

Farm open day sounds lovely.

I don’t sit by the window at work, I’m right at the back of the room. No one sits next to it, although customers do stand near it when they come in since it’s near the front desk. I was so nervous about my things. if this window goes even on a weekend no one will know it has happened. There is no alarms, no cctv nothing. The window is massive too. I know it’s not my problem, but it’s generally a huge stress to me.

It’s not that I want recognition out of ego really. The fact that people thank me in public means a lot more to me than my boss saying it. To my boss it’s just another item in the newspaper, but to these people it’s a celebration to get in the paper. To see their faces when they are is quite exhilarating. I’m not sure what I am on this Earth for but if it is sharing peoples successes in the newspaper then great.

It’s hard because I often feel so alone in this world. I feel like there is no one to catch me if I fall. It’s just me.

Mum couldn’t have been more annoying too. I was at her house searching through recent documents to use as evidence. Mum wasn’t really helping when I asked her where is the OT report. I got a few docs but the rest will have to be obtained. I then called mum later on to ask her doctors name and I was talking to her about what her carers did to help her. She kept saying she was ill and trying to get rid of me.

I then get a video call an hour later. Mum is at the pub again. I instantly knew why she was trying to get rid of me. She is not an alcoholic she just likes going to the pub but not in a drinking way. I had ago at her when I walked in too. I said the form comes first not the bloody pub. Yet she does that. It really winds me up. She hasn’t done it tonight, but I also think she lies about getting drunk for attention.

My evidence is that she never has a hangover and always seems fine. For someone who says she doesn’t eat much and drinks alcohol surely she should have some sort of a hangover. Even my little sister drinks and the amount of times I’ve picked her up on a Sunday morning and she’s being hungover.’

It’s a nightmare really. I just think anyone who is assessed as needing carers should be entitled to pip automatically. I hate to be harsh but there are plenty of people the dwp can go after for work (not those already working and on uc), leave the disabled people and their families alone. If there was a change to mums condition I would have bloody told them, their forms literally say you must tell us. So the fact that we haven’t told them ….

The forms are a little easier than the usual since it is a review. They are asking if anything has changed. I think the only main change in her overall condition is the fact that she has had an OT report and is on the list for assisted living, and now has a carer instead of me. However they still need evidence.

It’s just another stress I don’t need right now.

Just be glad you’ve got something other than being nothing more than the councils slave, despite having carers. At this point I can’t work as I have to watch everything they do or they wouldn’t wash her properly, dress her appropriately, brush her teeth, heat he dinner up properly etc. I have a degree in economics wasted because of the last 5 of my early 20s being a slave. The way we’re treated as informal carers is disgusting, and all so the council can save a few quid despite paying taxes that are meant to pay for these services. Makes me sick.

I agree but I don’t want to put too much hate into these people because I will sound like a mad conspiracist.

I have not met my mums carers but mum does say that they are nice people so that is great. In this situation I believe the carers to be everyday folk probably on minimum wage or a few pounds more and will be struggling themselves on their wages. (I know I am.) yes you get crap social workers and some that can be horrible, but I’m fortunate not to have to deal with bad ones. As far as I am concerned they have a great relationship with mum and seem to be helping her with her needs. Obviously they can’t do everything and that is where I step in; mainly tech support.

The care teams at social services are usually the ones who are complete pen pushers, but not all. My mums previous social worker was brilliant, she told me I should consider being a social worker because of my knowledge. I told her no. I’m not particularly rebellious, but I will always challenge stupid rules. I would be the worst person in the world to deal with red tape. I am the sort that always feels bad if I can’t help anyone, so it would just get to me too much. Social workers are probably like MP’s, they say if you want to be one, you probably shouldn’t be one. Instead leave it to others.

I have always struggled with daft rules and I do challenge people in these situations. At school once a teacher told another student some confidential information about me. I just said to the teacher “why did you say that?” It wasn’t the most confidential information, but it was supposed to be in confidence. I was later called to the head of year and I was banned from the room where she worked. It just so coincided that the room was where you bought your school uniform from. I then stopped coming to school in my jumper, and when I was confronted I just said, “well I need a new one, but you won’t let me buy one.” That put an end to that rule. I wasn’t a bad kid by no means, and I was very respectful of teachers. There were a few I didn’t get along with, but the rest were great. My dad may have told me to do it which is very funny. Dad always said you don’t argue, you get smart with people. If anyone ever goes for you confuse the hell out of them. Obviously there are better ways to deal with that, but at 16.

As adults I feel that we may deal with our roles somewhat better, however I do feel sorry for children who end up as carers with little support. To exploit an adult is one thing, but to do it to a child is just dispicable

Today I took respite in a community garden. I helped to water and feed the birds and plants. It was fun.