I feel trapped but I am in love with my partner he's too needy of me

Carers' health and wellbeing
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Hi this is my first post here.

I’ve been my partners carer since he became ill with Long Covid 2 years ago in October 2022. He already has PTSD from childhood, diverticulitis and Hydrentis Suppurativa (HS) skin condition BEFORE developing long covid at age 51.
He’s 53 now and I"ve had to give up my job, my car and it feels like my mental health is going now too because of having to be his carer.

He’s been through a very extreme amount of horrors and abuse in his life from childhood severe beatings from his father one almost killed him at age 7 and sexual abuse from his adopted brother as well as emotional and verbal abuse from both his father and older brother ,he was badly beaten by a gang of teenagers when he was 10 year’s old .

He tried to hang himself when he was 10 years old but the noose snapped and various other suicide attemps in his teenage years.

He’s had a really troubled life so when we met 3.5 years ago we instantly connected because of both our individual mental health conditions ( I have ADHD) and we both have children from past failed relationships.

He is honestly the kindest, funniest most interesting man I’ve ever met ,but…ohhhh maan does he LOVE to talk.

He rarely shuts up, it drives me insane but because he is soo poorly suffering with long covid symptoms affecting his memory, his concentration, his body cramps all over, his breathing struggles, he gets chronic pain and chronic fatigue from doing next to nothing but watching tv every day.

I’m exhausted.

2 years of chasing doctor’s, treatments, all sorts I’m burning out now.

I am now his appointee for his dwp benefits as he has physical reactions with his anxiety from talking about his illness to anyone, his PTSD has gotten worse due to him being unable to exercise or walk or socialise like he used to to cope with his PTSD.

He has medical cannabis now which I am relieved he has from curaleaf privately prescribed we buy with his PIP money to soothe his PTSD and long covid symptoms.

I’m awaiting carers assessment from myself and an assessment for him to hopefully be allocated a mental health support worker from the local council because he’s burning me out.

We have both been through rough childhoods and therapy. His trauma is faaar worse then my past trauma but yeah…he’s definitely more in bits then me.

He’s overcome car accidents, pneumonia , motorbike accident, seveal times, swine flu, worked all the hours under the sun, being knocked out several times in his fighty past, had drink and drug addictions in his 20’s early 30’s ,played lead guitar in several bands over the years he’s lead a really full life!

I kind of feel like he’s done with living now, as long covid isn’t one he feels able to bounce back from.

He’s one of the most funnniest and intelligent yet utterly dependent and totally accident prone , trusting and genuinely kind males I’ve ever met in my life. His family are extremely understanding and supportive of him. He’s been through the same abuse as his mother and sister suffered from the wrath of his father they were all living in fear of him.

I know it is a lot ,but just needed to share my load somewhere.

My two boys age 7 and 17 are amazing and love my partner too. Half terms been really boring for them.

I just hope we get more care support soon as I’m genuinely very depressed at the moment but it’s not from lack of love , it’s because I’ve lost myself and feel overwhelmed.

I’m a quirky person into heavy metal and going to gigs ,festivals, working as a support worker but none of these things happen anymore.

I’m 40 and perimenopausal too, been on HRT about 4 months now still getting used to that plus my Adhd it’s a LOT.

If you’ve read this far…thank you. Just needed to not feel so alone anymore.

:heart::pray:

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Heya.

Welcome to the forum in order to start with. I wonder if you have had a care needs assessment done or not. You can ring your local council to start the process. I hope you are claiming personal independence payment. If not then Citizens Advice has a lot of useful facts on the claim form in question and how to fill it in. Good luck. Make some brief notes in addition to answer questions on the form. Once this is done you can start looking for care providers in question here. You can do this.

There are lots of good clubs for adults nationwide. Try Age UK, lots of helpful information on there. It might also help your partner to be more independent as well. Often your local council has information on useful adult courses. Look at their website, email or call for details. It is always good to take a break from caring, we all need to for our own mental health. I’d start by looking at the information provided by Age UK first of all. It is nice to meet you.

I hope this is useful. For more information on clubs and societies try looking at your local council website or ask around. Tell me about the last time you actually got out of the house.

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Hi @Carestoomuch and welcome to the forum. I care for my wife - who has a spinal cord injury - and my eldest son who has a number of issues, including severe depression. I have another son who lives in a supported living environment. He has severe autism and the three of us also support him in different ways - most of his “hands on” support is from workers.

Phew! You’ve got a lot going on there! Sounds as if you’re getting things moving for your partner in terms of the assessments and you’ve certainly had good sense in asking for a carers assessment too. The waiting is hard, though.

We have a good crowd of people using the forum so I’m sure I won’t be the last to welcome you aboard. We also have a “Roll Call” - it’s a sort of a chat over the garden fence where we talk about pretty much anything. Feel free to drop in for that!

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Hi @Carestoomuch

Welcome to the forum.

Yes can relate to the constant chatter … in my case it’s it’s often S constantly vocalising.

Do your children belong to any young carers groups?

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@Carestoomuch, welcome to the forum. You are certainly dealing with an awful lot there, no wonder you feel exhausted and burnt out.

It’s great that you’ve already got the ball rolling so far as carers and needs assessments are concerned, understandably the wait for these is frustrating.

I would say first and foremost, be kind to yourself. If possible try to carve out some me-time for you during the day. Caring can very quickly become all-consuming as you are finding and it’s important to do a few things which are just for you. It might be worth looking into trauma counselling, you may be able to access this via your GP although it will be short-term time limited and as with everything else, there is likely to be a long waiting list. If you can afford to go privately, many therapists in the UK offer a sliding scale for people on low incomes. The following website is a useful place for finding this information out.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

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@Carestoomuch…hi, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you and your partner are going through and have been through a lot. You’ll find so much support in this forum, it’s good that you’ve reached out as your health is just as important as your partners.

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My private counselling was regarded as a long term need. Funded by Social Services following a Carers Assessment.

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Hi everyone, thank you for all your wonderful comments and caring/helpful replies.

I have indeed contacted the local council about a week ago and awaiting a proper assessment for him and myself with our individual needs.

I’m trying really really hard to be everything he needs me to be and he gets angry at me like a child when I say to him I feel upset about him always wanting more always needing more to be happy.

It’s not just him it’s me too.

We both have dopamine deficiencies.

I know how hard it is for him and me because we both have soo much past trauma in our heads and it’s my fault for not feeling very nice hearing about some of the really self indulgent ways he’s been like with other women.

It’s not him now but it feels soo hard to feel like he’s not mocking my own moral compass. Everything is a laugh and a joke for him a bit too much sometimes and because of his trauma he takes me feeling hurt to heart and gets offended because I’m offended.

It’s 6am in the morning on a Saturday morning and I can’t sleep because he’s made me feel like I’m just another stupid girl.

I know it’s not him, its his PTSD and my ADHD clashing. Just feels a bit hurtful.

I wish I didn’t get offended and upset with how he is sometimes and I also wish he wouldn’t get the same offended upset back.

We both need individual counselling.

Had some good news yesterday though, he’s finally been awarded full enhanced rate for mobility so we’ve applied for a new car we can both drive.

(I’m an automatic only driver due to my adhd) he has an old manual he bearly drives I can’t touch so hopefully that will arrive in the next 4-6 weeks which is a blessing.

I know we both have pasts and we both have a lot going on in our heads.

I just NEED someone helping us that realises how much of an irresponsible child he can be and how lost he is in the past and fantasises too much about ideal kinky situations that stimulate both of us but leave me feeling unwanted (not his fault).

Just feel bad today.

Sorry for huge vent.

Really need to talk to someone about our individual needs for dopamine including our sexual desires.

Such deeply personal stuff I’m sharing here. Sorry if this offends or triggers anyone xx

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No offence taken.
It is totally unfair for him to expect you to do more and more to make him happy, making you feel bad and taking away your self respect in the process.
Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness.
What do you like doing to make you happy? Sewing, dressmaking, is my only hobby. I could sew all day given the chance. I started just to get trousers long enough for me, but by the time I was 21 my husband called it my Occupational Therapy. That was OK, he was a vintage motor bike enthusiast. When we lived in Australia he restored a bike in the spare bedroom of our ground floor flat as it was air conditioned!

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