Nervous breakdown again

I’m 60 and sold my house to live in and care for Dad who has multi serious health and mobility issues.
I’ve since been priced out of the property market here since recent ridiculous market rises. I cannot move.
I have a new partner and our relationship is on the rocks because I cannot move.

These are trivial compared to the breakdown of my marriage and loss of all contact with my only child for 13 years now. That still tears me apart every day.

My mother also passed away& my partner is being treated for cancer .

I have a PTSD and major depressive illness medical record and no job prospects . I have a small pension but it’s less than the carers allowance I also get. I am dependant on Dad for the roof over my head therefore . I face having to move alone hundreds of miles away from here when he passes and lose this home as well while dealing. With his loss . I still haven’t processed my mother’s loss or my obvious failure as a father .ive had ongoing panic attacks for years and spent 20 years on anti depressants . I have spent four years tapering down from those horrid drugs and finally I took the last dose 2 months ago.
The stress level is dangerous and I’ve had yet another nervous collapse. My partner is understanding but has issues in her life she is dealing with and is backing away from all this for reasons I understand . I have been isolated so long because of full time caring I have no friends . The covid risk keeps me from socialising as Dad’s at serious risk if I catch anything .
I can’t go into full details it’s hurting just typing this much . I cannot trace my son. I still haven’t been able to grieve my mother and I don’t trust any gp to do anything except put me back on drugs I fought so hard to get rid of and I feel are responsible for steeling who I am and destroying my family and my life .
Yesterday I calmly drove to a cliff top and sat there freezing and completely exhausted with life .
Today I am safe. But feel hopelessly lonely .
I’m a grown man . How did my life come to this .There are no answers I haven’t tried , all doors are slammed in my face . I can only wait with life on hold and take care of my wonderful Dad and then move far far away alone and try to rebuild my life for the second time .
I’m sure others have worse to deal with but I’m feeling hyper anxious and keep falling apart. , how can I help Dad when feel this way . I need to get my life back but I can’t leave him alone to die here .
I don’t mean to whine . I’m at the end of my rope . I know others face worse and I wish everyone well. I’ve nobody to talk to .

I understand your feelings. Something needs to change.

Tell us more about dad - these are very specific questions, not nosey or random.
Does he own or rent his house?
What illnesses does he have?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Are you an only child?

When did you last have a Carers Assessment?
When did dad last have a Needs Assessment?

I’ll be back later, brain damaged son home and tea to cook!

Hi Bonny

First things first. Whenever you’re struggling, call this number: 116 123. It’s Samaritans. They don’t judge, but they do listen.

There are other services too, but let’s start with that one. I get what you mean about getting drugs from the GP. But you can ask about counselling, which is much more likely to help.

Right now that’s all I’d suggest. Small steps - get some support. Then worry about the other stuff: it’s actually less important right now because it can be left for a bit. Once you have some support you’ll feel more able to tackle the other stuff.

It felt like the person I had been for the last 20 years of my life had died and been replaced with a shell. Happiness, excitement and laughter were replaced by anxiety, apathy and desperation. All the people I loved and cared about before suddenly felt like complete strangers. I couldn’t bring myself to have a conversation with anybody except my mom, and even then I felt like I was talking to a stranger who just looked like her …

Very bizarre. Five months of that and I went back to normal just as quickly as I got ******** up in the first place.

To clarify it didn’t feel like a depression. I’ve been depressed before, this was different. It was literally like having your personality and sense of self do a complete 180 practically overnight, and dealing with the confusion and anxiety that comes along with trying to adjust to the “new you”, even though you can clearly remember who the “old you” was but you don’t know what happened to her or how to get her back.

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