I don’t even know if I’m in the right place

I’ve never posted on a forum before so please accept my apologies if it’s not on the correct thread.

I need to tell my story but if I tell a person face to face I’m worried it will look like I’m a monster.

My mum (64yo) has been looking after my grandad (92yo) for as long as I’ve been alive. Until 6 years ago he was very independent, living alone just around the corner from my parents. Then he had a bout of pneumonia and became very sick. Mum started caring for him, four times a day up and back, meals mainly but also getting him up and putting him to bed.

Around two years ago his health was deteriorating and she was making up to 12 trips per day/night. It wasn’t sustainable, and I hated the thought of her running the roads at 4am.

My sister and I decided to take the plunge and we bought a large house together. We moved our parents and grandad in. The idea being mum would only have to nip up and down the stairs rather than the road and we could all chip in with his care.

This has been the situation now for 18 months. But it’s hell on Earth. Grandad is a completely different person than we used to know. He targets my mum in vicious verbal assaults constantly. He is nice as pie to everyone else but he doesn’t realise we hear how he speaks to mum. It’s constant arguments (we have had the instructions from the pros, not to engage, but that looks very different in real life when he is spewing this bile at her)

We don’t have £1000 a week to get him into a home and now his health is so much better (ironically due to the care my mum has given him) he doesn’t qualify for any medical placements.

Social services basically told us if he doesn’t want to go in a home, we can’t make him. Even if he drives my mum to suicide. We showed the case worker a bag of pills she has on stand by.

I know this comes across as evil. But it’s honest. I need to have him removed from this house before something happens that can’t be undone.

Sorry for the rant.

Hi Kay … welcome to the forum

After reading your posting , it seems like a classic " Trying to shut the stable door after the horse has bolted "
scenario … a decision was made , then acted apon … and it has now turned out to be the wrong one ?

Did you seek advice from anyone … AGE UK for instance … before creating the existing situation ?

My question is quite simple but not so the answer.

What " Type " of answer are you seeking ? … housing / caring … which is the main priority ?

Others will be along to extend their welcomes and , no doubt , dig down in order to come up with some
practical answers … even solutions which you may , or may not , agree with.

Thank you Chris From The Gulag,

If I’m totally honest, I don’t even know what type of reply I’m after. Maybe if anyone in a similar situation is further along and (wistfully hoping) had a moderately successful outcome.

We were all 100% ignorant. I thought I knew this man, but obviously his level of independence meant we only saw his social, life of the party persona. My Nan died 30 years ago and apparently told my mum several home truths about her husband which mum refused to believe. Now it turns out she was completely truthful.

Families. Unbelievable.

Thank you for your response.

Your welcome.

Others will be along … hopefully with some " Palatable " solutions ?

Be wary of the " One size fits all " variety … hardly any of them do in " YOUR " situation.

Everyone’s situation is … unique … to them !

Hi Kay, welcome to the forum.

I hope we can find some solutions, but a bit more information would help.
Can you list everyone living in the house first. Giving relationship to you, age, and disability, if any, or work, if any. ie:-

  1. Grandad 92 Personality problems!
  2. Mum 64 Carer

And so on.
How is ownership of the house arranged? Does grandad own some of the house?
If so, what was arranged for his share of the house when he died?

Next time grandad is being nasty, record it on your phone, and get everyone else to do this as well.

I’m very worried about mum. Make sure you all support her to leave the room whenever he starts on at her. He has no right to do this, it could be called DOMESTIC ABUSE.

If he needs support, then he must pay for it.
NO ONE can be forced to care for anyone else not even a wife for her husband. So mum does NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING for dad.
Take away her bag of pills, she cannot be left with this safely.
Do you all share the same GP practice?