Advise please.. Auntie Full time Carer

Hi There

Please could I have some advise.please.

My Auntie has looked after my Nan who is 98 since her early 30’s
My auntie made a choice not to get married and have a family and has lived with my Nan for all of her life .
Recently my Auntie looks very tired… and poorly herself. She has to get up with my nan 5 + times in the night as my nan has had an accident.
My Auntie feels she cant leave the house because my nan starts crying and gets stressed out

My Auntie had fallen out with everyone closest to her as she says everyone else has a life and has had children and looking after nan is what is expected of her.

My mother goes down every day to sit with Nan which is more than what my other auntie and uncles do but my auntie takes all the anger and stress out on my mom who comes down every day to see nan and offers to stay overnight so my auntie can rest or offers to do jobs for her around house.

At the moment my auntie doesnt speak to my mom because of the stess of lookimg after my nan. She says nobody helps her but refuses help with is offered

My nan is at a big age and has diabeties and borderline dementia and can be hard work sometimes in regards to her mood swings…

I feel so sorry for my auntie… she has had breast cancer twice which my mom helped her through it… and no living with my nan ia hard.

My mom offers to help and stay there but the help is dismissed.

If my auntie goes out for an hour my nan gets upselt and starts panicking

I really need some advise how to tackle and overcome this.

The family is divided with my auntie being bitter towards everyone.

My mom does a lot more that others. My uncle lives in another country and visits my nan once every 2 years and my other auntie doesnr make an efford but its my mom that is made to feel awful when she seens nan everyday and offers…

Hi Stephanie … welcome to an extremely quiet forum as I type.

Numerous stories of family members sacrificing their own lives to provide care for another family member.

( Several million in fact ! Me amongst that number. )

Human nature for many … how does another family member on the outside view this ?

Normal for the one doing the caring to be isolated , and lack support from other family members.

I could post several links but … in this instance , probably futile.

One I will post … AGE UK … at least get your grandmother on their radar :

( Wills / power of attorney / mental capacity / safeguarding / full range of benefits & allowances being claimed / Council Tax disregard / discount …
all relevant should you / your aunt want to explore further ? )

Others will be along to add their insights , and advice / guidance.

One aspect that caught my attention … your aunt’s residential status.

If your grandmother died , or had to move into a care home , what would happen to your aunt ?

Is the roof over HER head safe in either event ?

( What does it matter what the family think ? Whose doing the actual caring ??? )

Hi there

My Mother feels down also because she cant do any more than age does. She goes round everyday… offers the help to stay with nan overnight so my auntie can have sometime to herself but my auntie is very angry and bitter towards my mom and starts to shout at her saying she dosent need help.

My auntie is stubborn… She says nobody helps but when help is offered she wont take it.

The house is now under my aunties name. The house was council but my auntie brought it around 20 years ago


One link … a guide to outside support services … what’s available , and who supplies them :

If your aunt refuses outside help , the question of safeguarding arises … the interests of your grandmother.

One that needs expert advice … AGE UK.

I will assume that your aunt does NOT hold a power of attorney ?

See my Nan is really well looked after.

Shes been lucky to be able to stay at home. My auntie does an amazing job caring for her


From the caring aspect , no problems then … everything above board and ship shape ?

More a question of family interaction … or lack thereof ?

Yeah theres no issues with how my nam is cared for. My Auntie does an amazing job.

Its just how my Auntie has pushed everyone away as the Caring for my nan is takimg a toll on her health physically and mentally.
The help is there but she is stubborn and refuses it.

For example… she needs a new knee. She struggles to walk. We explain that she needs to go drs but her reply is… " well if i have a new knee then whos going to look after nan and its whats expected of her"

We all then say we would stay with nam whilst u get better and stay overnight but she said she can look after nan herself.

Its just a circle we keep going around.
She wont accept the help but then tells friends and neighbours that my mom is selfish. Even though my mom is down everyday and offers to sleep over so she can rest.

When my mom goes on holiday my auntie is awful to my mom and says things like " its alright for some"…
Even though my offers her and nan to comw away with them for a break.

Apart from the health issues , would have described me to a tee during my own 10 year stretch as a lone carer.

A lone carer / lone caree relationship is somewhat unique when it comes to human relationships.

I just dont know what to do.

I have tried to sit down with both of tem to sort it out but i think so much hurt has beem said from my auntie that theirs no making up.

Im concerned for my auntie both mentally and physically but shes being so stubborn.

Her thought process is currently well if i break down i break down… if i die i die …

Yep … par for the course … for a lone carer … being territorial is apt for most.

Do u have any advise on how to overcome this?


Unless the " Family " took collective action to remove your aunt from caring ?

In which case , would your grandmother feel abandoned ?

It’s down to the " Family " to sort out … even the local social services IF the issues raised demand their attention … safeguarding again …
for the benefit of your grandmother … and aunt who has sacrificed herself to step up to the plate as carer … I assume no other family
member wants to step into your aunt’s shoes ?

My mom would step in her shoes.

But my Auntie wont allow her to

A Mexican stand off ?

There’s only one route for your mother IF she has concerns … safeguarding ?

What is needed is someone outside the family to take the pressure off Auntie, someone who can do the chores for Auntie (how old is she?)
Who is handling nan’s finances? Does anyone have Power of Attorney or DWP Appointee?

If Auntie needs a new knee (I’ve had two replacements) then I’m not in the least surprised that it’s affecting her mood!

Aunty probably thought mum would live until a maximum of 75-80 years old, then she could enjoy herself after her mum passed away, but realistically her best years have long gone, she herself is now disabled. Is she claiming any disability benefits herself?

Nothing can turn the clock back, what she did out of kindness has now horribly backfired. I too am in a not too dissimilar situation!

There is NO SHAME in having someone in to help her and mum. Her mum really sounds as if her dementia is serious, the more help she and auntie accept, the longer she can stay in the house, but realistically, whatever happens, there may be no alternative but for nan to move into residential care where there is a team of carers round the clock to help her.


it’s completely understandable that caring for a family member can take a toll on their health, physically and mentally. Have you considered outside help for your nan? for example, getting a carer to come to the house a few times a week could lift a massive weight off you and families shoulders. Your auntie can still be in the house if your nan wants her there, but having an extra pair of hands, especially if their qualified in caring for people, could help you guys out a lot, and hopefully relieve any tensions. there are quite a few agencies out there that can help you find a carer : https:/

hope this helps!