Thanks for your continued support.
I’m sure Mum has enjoyed her short time alone. Although I think it’s early days for her too. She has feelings of guilt and worries that Dad will be ok.
Guilt for sending him and she feels awful that she as to bother my Sister and I with her problems. Always apologizing.
@MrsAverage “She was grinning broadly front centre. Busted!!!”
Worries of dad being ok will be difficult to stop, ( if I’m anything to go by!) But then we worry in life if all our loved ones will be ok when changing routine etc, don’t we.
Guilt will ease with encouragement, and practice. Sorry to use myself as example. The 1st time I even had a day meeting a friend for cuppa,I was riddled with anxiety. Hubby was fine, being looked after, the 2nd time easier, then did a couple of day trips out of my home town. Turned the guilt to sad. Sad that he want able to enjoy with me. Glad though that was able to have something to enjoy for myself. Realised it wasn’t just a want, but a need.
Hope your mum can adjust, then you will be able to settle more too. Mum apologising to you is a need for her, needs reassurance that she isn’t a burden. Better than parents who demand and expect!!
No apologies needed. Far from it !
You have clearly gone through these emotions so best placed to give advice/thoughts.
I don’t know your back story but hope your well. I appreciate your wisdom on these matters.
Glad to be a help.
My 1st thread is ’ new to dementia journey’ Started March 2016. Far too much for you to read now! Lots of followers though.2nd thread is ’ end of dementia journey, new to?’ The forum allowed me to vent,tell the ongoing ups and downs the torment etc.
I hope you will keep telling us of your situation, and maybe how your mum feels because it helps others.
You are a wonderful son, as I can assure you, some poor residents in the nursing home never had visitors, because families couldn’t cope with the decline. That’s not a criticism but it is a fact.
Feeling guilty I have not been back to update you, especially after all the generous help and advice you gave me at the time.
Don’t get me wrong I have intended to come back on so many occasions but I never quite made it for one (lame) reason or another.
@Pet66 you wright so well. Your thread is heartbreaking to read along with so many others on the forum. That said it is so very helpful and informative for other forum users to read. Really does bring it home that although it feels like your the only one struggling with this there are many many others.
Back to Mum & Dad.
Dad is still not keen " at all " on attending the Daycare center. It is a toil every Monday. I tend to go down an hour before to have a brew and sought of get him used to the idea.
E.g… Not rush in, try get his coat on and then have him whisked off out the door !
Makes no differance really it can still take an hour of convincing.
Although Dad makes us jump through hoops to get him there he as only missed a couple of visits.
Dad as deteriorated some more in the preceding months. So a lot more confused and much harder work to look after. The night times are so very hard especially after a long day looking after him. Dad is up and about at all hours if Mum does get any sleep she can never tell what state the Kitchen maybe in.
The washing machine is on constantly as Dad is struggling with his water works Bed wetting and trouser changes. He hates to wear the pads and has become quite aggressive at times. More so with Mum.
Getting Dad to change any clothing is very difficult. “SHOWER” this is an epic task ! Most times lots of effing jeffing and fists raised.
A month or so ago my Mum had a Copd flare up she never had one before. She had to go in Hospital for 2 weeks. My Sister and I took nights/days about to stay with Dad plus visit Mum. I did realise looking after Dad full time was hard. BUT night and day ! Oh boy I was so glad to see my Sister at dinner time the following day.
Anyhow Mum got over that episode but she still as regular break downs. I can’t convince her to arrange to have someone sit in with Dad for a couple of hours a few days a week so she can get out. My Sister as just been away for two weeks and I don’t think they have been out of the house more than a couple of times “without us” Dad’s mobility is getting very unsteady.
I guess I could waffle more but I think you get the jist of where we are upto.
Gary, now is the time to start looking at residential care I’m afraid, as dad is clearly now going downhill fairly quickly.
Mum’s COPD attack shows that it is time for her to retire from caring, for the sake of her own health.
She can still see dad, but can come home to a quiet peaceful home knowing he is in safe hands.
The key issue as to where he goes depends on finances I’m afraid.
Do you or mum have Power of Attorney for dad? Does he have over £46,000 in savings?
Are you living with mum and dad?
Do they own or rent their home?
Make a list of all the EMI (Elderly Mentally Infirm) homes in your area, in order of proximity to mum’s home, and get some basic information. The Care Quality Commission website will help find them.
Find out how much they charge, if they have a day service, or respite service. This is a good way of introducing someone.
I must say I felt quite uneasy at reading that part of your reply " now is the time to start looking at residential care I’m afraid " It is inevitable and I totally agree. I think just reading it for the first time puts a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach.
It is an elephant in the room to be honest, no one wanting to say it. Especially as Mum has and still is resistant to outside help even when in crisis.
Like you say I am of the opinion that by having someone sit in with Dad a few hours, a couple of days a week plus some respite would be a gradual ease into the care home environment.
To answer some of your questions
1 No we don’t have Power of Attorney for Dad. He doesn’t have more than £46.000in savings.
2 No I don’t live with them.
3 Yes they own there Home.
Could you explain why Mum would need Power of attorney ?
I had the loveliest mum in law, never a cross word between us, but she developed dementia. To cut a long story short, father in law refused to look at local homes, there was a crisis, and she had to go into a home the next day. The only place available was 18 miles away, which caused endless problems until she died. There was a suitable home a mile away, but no vacancies at the time.
The best homes have waiting lists, that is why you need to look IN ADVANCE of needing one. Day care or respite care is a way of everyone getting used to the idea, but homes are privately run, and each one is different.
As they have under £46,000 in savings, Social Services should pay some or all of the fees.
It’s too late for dad to grant POA to anyone, but make sure mum does hers as soon as possible, because if she doesn’t, it’s going to cost a lot of time and money later. Do NOT ignore this advice. I could write an essay on this, but have a sore finger!
I won’t go into long drawn out chat about POA. Please really consider it for your mum, as I had to go down the court of protection route for hubby. Far more intrusive, and strict. ( & expensive!).One week he seemed fine about POA, the next, he had a real decline in capacity and had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe Google the reasons. Then you and mum can draw your own conclusions.
Thanks for the advice re the POE. Although I would not look forwards to broaching that subject with Mum.
As suggested I will Google it too.
Sitting service and some respite I think would be an help for Mum but she is still resistant to the idea. Only mentions respite when she is frantic exhausted/ in tears. When that passes and she feels better it’s not option.
You may have to be really firm with your Mum about respite etc. I am sad that I wasn’t with mine. Maybe just say that you have organised it and this is what is happening?
My Mum now has dementia which I think in part was due to disturbed sleep and social isolation. I am not saying this to scare you , as who knows, she may have got dementia anyway. It is just that often that the cared for person’s needs take over absolutely everyone else’s. There HAS to be a balance.
It is awful and tragic that Dad is unwell, but it isn’t anyone’s fault. Your Mum running herself into the ground isn’t gong to make him better, just will perhaps make her ill too, which is what happened to us. I wish we had faced all this head on at an earlier stage rather than being plunged into crisis for months on end with Dad ending up in hospital for 9 months. The sad likelihood is that Dad will , in all probability, need more care than Mum can offer at some point. Hard as it is now, it is better to have plans in place or to try and head it off by ensuring that Mum gets a break.
But I do understand, my parents were equally stubborn! It really isn’t easy. At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. It is hard.
I have been in similar shoes with a mother with dementia, which only helped to exaggerate the stubbornness. I failed to get her to go to a daycare centre, I managed respite when desperate by putting her in a taxi and telling her we were going shopping. I then cried all the way to the airport!! But, without me there, mum settled down and although not happy, survived to tell the tale.
Some months later when residential care was really the only option (and yes, I too had that feeling), I knew what the home was like, that mum would survive and equally important the care staff already knew her.
The reason I am saying this is that respite can be a form of preparation for the future when dad’s needs are so great that nursing care is the only option. At the later stages of dementia, as you are no doubt realising, one person’s devoted care is just not enough.
In your shoes, I would visit some homes to get an idea of what is available in the area. you may never need them but like a Boy Scout, it helps to be prepared.
Wishing you well, a dreadful situation. If you have any questions, fire away.
Definitely do POA soon for your Mum. You can download the forms and do it yourselves. It is so much easier in the long run to be able to manage their finances, their health and access to GP to discuss things with them, and if needed property sales in the future etc etc etc.
I had to do it for both parents in the end. Both very stubborn, and saying we will never not be able to control our finances!! To cut a long story short it has been invaluable as I have needed to use it to liase with the hospital, nursing homes, finances, council, utilities, pensions and finally to sell my parents home legally. None of the above will deal with you or give you information unless you have it.
Please explain to your Mum it is to ‘safeguard’ her. My Dad was terribly conned on his bank account and by a double glazing firm as he started to get confused sometimes. He just didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t control it all anymore.
I would also go to look at some nearby homes for your Dad. I hated doing it but was lucky enough to get some good advice from this forum. One good piece of advice was to ‘go for ease of visiting’ and not choose one too far away. Also look at the review sites and try to visit as many as possible to have some shortlisted. It will help you in the long run as when I looked I knew there were definitely some that I didn’t want my Dad to end up in.
Gary, I’m very sorry to hear about dad.
He is at peace now, but it will be very difficult for you and mum to adjust to the situation. I speak as a widow myself.
Please come back if there is anything at all we can help with.