How can I make my mum more understanding

My Dad is 91 and has Dementia. My mum has never been the ‘caring’ type but does look after my dad well. Problem is she won’t seem to listen to the fact that dad doesn’t understand his actions and isn’t the person he was. Dad frustrates the hell out of her at times and is verbally abusive to her. He also has a daily routine of taking things apart, breaking things, stripping the bed etc. I have tried to explain to mum that he has no idea what he is doing but she still speaks with him as though he’s doing these things purposely. Tonight he has stuffed the fitted sheet from the bed down the toilet. Mum has asked him why he’s done it and he has denied all knowledge. This has angered her and she has shouted at him, making him more verbally aggressive. Due to circumstances I am living with my parents and almost trying to keep the peace. Any suggestions would be gratefully received. Thanks

Hi Robert and welcome
Living with someone who has advanced dementia can frustrate even the calmest of people- speaking from experience! If your mother is elderly herself she may be losing a little of her own reasoning as well.
Two bits of advice for a quick starter- have you registered on the Alzheimer’s Society’s forum “Talking Point”. Really useful plus loads of info to download from main website. Not just for Alzheimers but all types of dementia.
Secondly , another thing close to my heart- if you are living with parents- can I just check if you have reached the magic age of 60 and if not do your parents own their own home or are they tenants? Very important to know where you stand if they are owner occupiers and you are under 60.

Hello Robert, welcome to the forum
Sometimes, family, can go into denial that their loved one has dementia. As you probably know it’s a very heartbreaking emotional thing to accept. Do you have admiral nurses in your area? They helped me when my husband was first diagnosed.
Difficult one this, for me to ask, but could your dad have some time in a nursing/ care home, for you and your mother to have respite? I believe your mother may need professionals to explain that he really doesn’t understand what he is doing.
I’m sorry this is happening to you both.

Robert, welcome to the forum.

It sounds like your mum is really struggling, and the time is fast approaching for your dad to move into residential care.
I know it’s not what anyone wants, but it may be what he needs, supervision and carers around 24/7 because he’s only going to get worse and worse, I’m afraid.

Caring for someone with advanced dementia at home is incredibly difficult, even for someone much younger than mum.
Now for a few questions, to help us give you the best advice.

How old is mum?
Do your parents own their home?
Do your parents have over £46,000 in savings?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
When did they have their last Social Services Assessments, Needs Assessment for dad, Carers Assessment for mum?
Is dad receiving Attendance Allowance?
Hs the exemption from Council Tax on the grounds of “severe mental impairment” been claimed? (Can be backdated to the date of diagnosis!)

Hello Robert
Just seen your post and wanted to register sympathy with you and your mother. I looked after my mother when she had dementia, albeit not full time, and now I look after my husband who has dementia. I am a patient person but there are times I raise my voice with my husband. I also walk away when I can no longer tolerate the conversation. It is so very tiring having to endlessly deal with unreasonable behaviour and there is only so much a person can take. Your mother is fortunate that she has you to help - from the things you describe I imagine it would be unbearable to manage alone - but, help or not, anyone would have the extreme serenity to swan through this type of situation without a few choice words being uttered. And, from experience, it really can feel as if these crazy things are being done deliberately, to torment the carer, even though with hindsight we realise this is almost certainly not the case. I do hope that your mother manages to have some free time (ie not under the same roof) at least occasionally.
Keep posting - it may help.