My mother who is 74 this year and was my best friend blatantly has dementia. I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis for 2 years. I’m 42, only child and single and have moved back home. She is fairly violent to my dad and he just hides away. I feel like I was put on the earth solely to care for both my parents (my dad has also been unwell not dementia related). I wanted to kill myself at Christmas and had a nervous breakdown. Since then I just feel worse and worse and am sad all the time. I feel so alone. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by posting this but I just feel so sad. Whenever I come home she’s still awake and there is always drama. My self esteem is at a complete low and I feel so worthless.
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Welcome to the forum, everything seems extra bad in the middle of the night. I’m awake at this hour as my arthritis is playing up. I’ll be back later, and so will others who have had similar problems. If no one believes how bad things are, and it is safe to do so, consider filming mum to show the doctors. In one case I remember, this led to a doctor calling an ambulance for an immediate admission.
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Dear @Anonprincess2025
You are NOT worthless. You sound exhausted, ground down and in need of a break.
It sounds like you’ve no one to talk to about all of this - do you have any local support or friends?
Talking things out can help:
Helpline and other support | Carers UK.
I’m worried that you’ve had a nervous breakdown, and considered harming yourself if you feel like this again - here are some people you can talk to whatever time of day it is: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/
In case this helps What is an Admiral Nurse and how can they help? - Dementia UK
Admiral Nurses are specialist dementia nurses who provide free, expert advice, support and understanding to help families care for their loved one.
You may not feel able to take a break, but if you’re going to carry on caring - if that’s your choice - then you’ll need to recoup some energy somehow. Have you talked to your doctor about yourself?
You’ll find that there’s a lot of friendly people here in the forum. You don’t have to feel pressured to write or to have any goal here. You’re not alone
Sending a big hug
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Anonprincess, your caring has to end. If dad is cowering away and not dealing with mum, that leaves you looking after mum, dad and the home. No time at all for you. In effect you have been reduced to being a slave, which is not acceptable.
Now for a few questions which are very relevant even if they seem odd.
You mention dad is poorly. How old is he, what health issues does he have?
Do you get on OK with dad? What does he say about mum’s aggression?
Do they own or rent their home?
Do they have over £46,000 in savings? Just yes/no, it’s a limit for certain care.
Are they both claiming Attendance Allowance?
Social Services should have offered you a Carers Assessment. Has this happened?
Unfortunately many councils are delaying a lot of things at the moment. I’m currently battling my own LA!
Do they own or rent their home?
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@Anonprincess2025 you are not worthless and you are not alone. It is frightening becoming the carer for your parents. You must demand more help, not easy to do when you don’t have the strength to get out of bed or face the day.
Take each day, get strength from sharing your feelings here, in a safe place. @Victoria_1806 has given some good links, and hopefully you can see that there is support. You don’t feel there is I am sure, but slowly take strength, You are worth more than you realise and you deserve better.
Speak to your doctor and her doctor, you need to be supported. You didn’t know why you joined the forum and I think that I felt the same. It was just nice to get support from those who have walked this path before.
The main advice will be to take care of your needs, you are too young to be feeling like you are at the moment.
Keeping letting us know how you are feeling, sharing helps, sending big hugs
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@Anonprincess2025 Thinking of you. You are most certainly NOT worthless. Victoria has given some good links. You have my sympathyre getting a diagnosis too.
One suggestion is to see if you have a local Support for Carers? If so they often have meetings locally. If this is a challenge some also have Telephone Befrienders - these have often been carers themselves and can offer non judgemental advice and support.
Counselling may be worth pursuing? Safe place to discuss options.
Please remember you cannot be MADE to care. YOU deserve a life of your own too.
I am an only child so I do have every sympathy when it all comes down to YOU. But the bottom line is that you cannot continue to care if you do not care for yourself.
Would you consider asking for an emergency appointment with your GP? Do not ‘hold back’ and explain how desperate you are feeling. There may be help available but not always easy to negotiate your way to it.
Cyber hugs from me. You will get lots of sympathy and support here. Many if not most of us have been in your place when we have wondered if life is worth living but we have fought our way through this and survived.
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I think everyone here found Carers UK and the forum when we had hit rock bottom and were desperate.
Twice I was on the verge of “driving off into the sunset” when my hyperactive son was at his worst. His first eight years were absolutely terrible, I was pleading for help and offered parenting classes, when his brother was next to me perfectly behaved.
I told them I’d run a Brownie pack of 24 girls single handed when I lived in the outback of Australia, even that didn’t make them realise that I wasn’t the problem!
Life for a few years was absolutely terrible, until went to a new school and the very experienced teacher realise I wasn’t the problem.
I remember the first day of term when she took one look at me and told me to go home and go to bed, then to forget all about the state of the house etc. as I needed rest and sleep. The first understanding comment I’d had in years.
There is only so much that ONE person can do.
It’s time to get tough with Social Services. Go to the LA website, search for “Adult Social Care” then “formal complaints”. Explain how desperate you are and need URGENT help.
These referrals will then go via a central Complaints Department, not the area office, which in my case is useless.
Always communicate via email as then you have proof of what you said.
There will be other people who may be able to help you, a lot depends on where you live.
The Citizens Advice office might be able to make suggestions.
Also think about Age Concern/Help the Aged.
Also contact the Alzheimer’s society.
The New Forest where I live may be a National Park but some services are very spread out.
We all have a breaking point, I met mine again years later when I was recently disabled, recently widowed, a son with severe learning difficulties, a housebound disabled mum and a business to run, plus 30 tons of lorry spares to sell as my only source of income.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help mum, I simply couldn’t. I’d done too much for too long. As you have done.
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@Anonprincess2025
Another welcome from me.
You sound exhausted. Also very caring.
My late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. In despair I wrote to his GP outlining my concerns about hubby’s memory etc and explained how many UTIs he was having. Each one seemed to cause a decline. Just a suggestion, write to your mother’s gp and emphasis the violence she is directing at your dad and how you are exhausted. I take it she has had tests for for UTI?
It’s very difficult watching someone decline and my heart goes out to you
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@Anonprincess2025 as a start, I love your user name! I only recently joined the forum, but am finding it really worthwhile. Everyone is so supportive, you don’t get judged for what you say, so are free to say how you are feeling and what’s happening in your life. With all the combined experience of caring, there is also lots of really good advice and suggestions offered. We also often have a laugh.
I felt really low after Xmas, when things got very challenging with my Mum who has cognitive and other issues, and I was not sleeping. I contacted my GP who gave me sleeping tablets, and a link to Cornwall Carers group. From there I went on a Caring for dementia carers course, run by Promas, which was brilliant. It taught me how to better look after myself, how better to cope with Mum plus some really useful links for help. From there I found this forum, plus I’m going on a sleep course and then counselling through the NHS from next month.
I also send you cyber hugs. I hope you are able to get some local support, so are able to have a break from caring even it’s just enough to allow you to recharge your batteries and get a bit of “anonprincess” time.
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@Anonprincess2025 - I have been trying hard to get a dementia diagnosis for my father (age 94) who is showing many symptoms and was finally referred to a memory clinic 2 weeks ago but with a 2 month waiting time. Following one of many call outs for falls and regular bouts of confusion/wandering/mood swings and memory loss, the duty call out medic (a paramedic attached to the surgery), made an urgent referral to the local mental health crisis team. The following day two mental health doctors attended and after all the usual tests, gave a formal diagnosis of mixed dementia (combination of Alzheimer and vascular). Although now finally recognised, there is little that can be done other than provide continuing support to dad and to mum with whom he still lives, for as long as possible but at least I now know what I am dealing with.
Twice my father’s GP called an ambulance to have him admitted due to concerns over symptoms of dementia, a further fall and personal safety. The first time Paramedics checked him over and said there was nothing A & E could do for him. The second time he was admitted to A & E but discharged back into the community as again there was nothing medically they could do for him. Dementia is such a difficult illness as it is more about social services care than medical care until there is an accident or incident when either the sufferer or their partner is admitted due to injuries.
Is dad claiming any disability benefits? If so, he is now EXEMPT from Council Tax. Easy to claim.
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He is thank you and does have exemption
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