Hi I am a carer for my husband who is suffering from anxiety and depression. I have had feelings of guilt about how I feel about it and wanted to talk about it but didn’t feel there was anywhere so I’m glad I found you all
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@SweetBriar73 Welcome to the forum! I hear you. Feel free to share as much or as little as you like. Guilt is a VERY common feeling for lots of different reasons. FYI I made ‘should’ a swear word and as soon as I did I realised how it set up so many unrealistic expectations, or how it felt like ‘others’ criticising…when actually we’re the ones walking in our shoes everyday.
Big hug. You’re not alone
Do you or your husband have support in any way? Do you have friends/family that you can tag into help?
If you want a little distraction and general laughs join in Roll Call or just read through the messages. https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-september-2025/127758?u=victoria_1806
Everyone here is lovely, with a lot of diverse experiences. So nothing you can say will be judged or criticised here! We ALL get it. xoxo
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Hi thanks for replying. We do have some good MIND groups where we are. They have good groups thatcIm encouraging my husband to go to but nothing for careers. I just needed to vent as I was feeling down and found this forum when I was looking v for somewhere. My family and friends although they are a phone call away aren’t physically close by.
The roll call sounds good. Do I just reply and say hello?
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Yep - I just tagged you to make it easy
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Have you asked the LA for a Carers Assessment?
In my area (Hampshire) I eventually had funding for gym membership and counselling.
My counselling was primarily aimed at managing my disabled mum’s expectations. It was very useful.
My husband and I married young and had a very happy marriage, never argued, always shared and discussed everything. I was devastated when he died suddenly when I was 54, I’d never lived alone and had no one I felt able to confide in. My counsellor was hugely supportive, concerned only about me, not what I should be doing for someone else!
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Hi Bowlingbun someone mentioned something about a carers assessment. I’ll have to ask about it again. Thanks. That must have been awful re your husband. Hope you are recovering
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@SweetBriar73 welcome to the forum. My husband has recently become mentally unwell and I suffered the guilt you talk about. I was (am) angry about it, we should be enjoying life and it has been stolen away. I was able to come here and safely say this without being judged.
I am glad you are getting some support for him and hopefully he will begin to feel better.
This is a really supportive place and it has helped me set boundaries and look after my self too when I realised I had become a carer.
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Yes the future being stolen away is the worst of it really. I was ( and still am) planning to work for another 10 years or so, see the kids into adulthood then have a lovely fun well deserved retirement. Now I feel like my last years of my children’s childhood has been mired in worry and stress ( I’m weird as I enjoy having teenage kids more than when they were babies!). I hope my husband gets better but I don’t think we’ll be sailing around on endless saga cruises together! How is your husband? Is he responding to treatment do you think? How long has it been going on?
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I think feeling sad about what you planned no longer being possible. I was sad, angry, and a little lost. We are older, I am still working but retiring soon. Luckily we had kids early so when they were adults we travelled a lot but we planned so much more.
My husband’s first suicide attempt was March 24 and there have been three more, but the blessing is my kids are old enough not to be living with it. He is slowly getting better but refuses to engage with support that is offered. It took me a while, with the support here, to just get on with life. I do everything but I refuse to sit in with him and be sad. I have just returned from a week away (with Saga) and it was a lovely break.
You will feel guilty and others will perhaps think you are, but you will find on this forum that so many of us realise that no-one understands what being a carer for a loved one involves. We can’t switch off and go home, we live with it 24/7.
I do still cry a little for what has been lost, ambiguous grief they call it I think. Like when a partner gets dementia. You still live with someone that used to be your partner, but isn’t.
Is he taking part in support groups to help him deal with his anxiety, as I know that you can live with it and depression can be something you can live with. So you may get your Saga cruises.
Live in hope, but there will be sad times and protect your, and your kids, health too. Sending love
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Yes, I was recovering from major surgery at the time, so was my disabled mum. Then 3 months later I was disabled when a boy racer lost control. For years I couldn’t walk. Now I have 2 knee replacements, a different life, just home after 2 weeks in Crete. Somehow I’ve survived.
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Yes I think the kids being around is good and bad- as in I worry about the effect on them but they are a distraction and I still have to take them to things, chat to them etc.
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@Tiredanne I am so very pleased that you went on a cruise. Very proud of you and grateful as you give me hope for MY future when I am finally free of ‘The Senile Toddler’.
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@Alison_1970 it was a lovely trip and several women who had been carers for many years who were now free and able to travel. I think this forum has really helped me stay strong and it is so supportive here and no judgement.
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